right side up?

i believe i left you hanging... (hope your arms didn't get too tired)

saturday morning last week i got an email explaining that the buyers had backed out on our house. i was emotional and i felt really confused. it was one of those moments when i wondered what on earth was going to happen to us. all of my delicately placed walls were tumbling down around me. it's funny what you use as your cornerstone sometimes. i guess i had built this new future around a new house and had this unrealistic perspective that i couldn't really start living until that piece was in place. now i know what i SHOULD use as my cornerstone when building a future for my family (God, Love, Family, Christ...) and i didnt intentionally start building a "house upon the sand" but non-the-less i did. and the walls came tumbling down...

what would a wiseman do? i am pretty sure he wouldnt cry himself into an anxiety attack and decide that since one single thing has gone wrong now every single thing will go wrong. i bet he wouldnt hyperventilate over fears (warranted or not) that he made the wrong choice having a surgery that might leave him unbalanced and barren for the rest of his life. probably wouldnt let the fear of what life might be like, because he is one of only a handful of 26 year old women without their uterus, bring him to his knees in desperate prayer over and over again even after he has felt comforted. i must not be the wiseman...

i must be more like laman and lemuel... ;)

although i let the news shake me WAY harder than i should have, i can honestly say that i have recovered. who cares? we can stay here, we can sell, we can live off government cheese in a van down by the river as long as i choose to be happy and show love to my family. THAT is the reason i did the surgery, and THAT is the thing i have to remind myself every single day.

my husband, who is luckily a paramedic, told me later that this was one of my worst anxiety attacks ever. (i have severe panic disorder but i have been working on it with hypnosis and relaxation for about 4 years now. i used to take meds during the attacks because they can turn into seizures, but the meds have narcotics in them and when i quit the pain pills after my surgery i threw all my anti-anxiety pills away.) adam held me and coached me through it. he got me to slow down my breathing and then told me to imagine this:

imagine you are in the uinta mountains. you have on your favorite hiking boots and a backpack that is comfortably packed with anything you might need. you have a compass and a map and all the time in the world. you know you are safe. the weather is beautiful. you get to decide where you want to camp. you can hike ANYWHERE. there is NO wrong trail. no matter where you go, you will still be in the uintas, still be safe, still have your map and compass and everything you need to survive. sometimes you will feel scared for a minute and that is fine, just remember that you wanted to go hiking. look around you, see the amazing and beautiful things that God put here just for you. thank him. take time to pray. you are not lost. you are safe. you are growing and learning and traveling.

even just writing that again i started to cry.

he is my compass... i know i have said it before, but he honestly guides me back whenever i feel lost or scared. he is so sensitive and close to the Spirit. my guiding light...

i havent written because i didnt have anything to say. nothing has changed but my attitude. it seems a little embarrassing, rereading my blog posts, how often i am taught this lesson and dont seem to learn it. at least i can eventually be made to change my attitude. it could always be worse ;) its just humbling to see how often i talk about changing my attitude. wish i could incorporate that in the moment BEFORE i freak out and make a little girl outta myself.

we live and learn, right?

upside down? right side up? does it really matter as long as you know who you are, where you came from and where you are striving to return to? (now that sounds like a more stable cornerstone!) i'll build on that, and report back later.

love,
lynsie

upside down

not moving
not selling our house
not sure if i am right side up or upside down;

i learned in an avalanche safety class that i should spit right now in order to determine which way is up...

dang, i just got spit on my face.

sometimes sunday doesnt come soon enough. i cant wait to sit in sacrament meeting and quietly draw closer to the Lord with my family while pondering what we are gonna do. it will at least be a change of venue... my knees are gettin sore!!!

and, with that, i leave you hanging.

love,
lynsie

oh... by the way, THANK YOU so much for your comments and compliments!!! i would love to introduce any of you to abbie and i am sure she would work within your budget to help you feel beautiful too! xoxo

wowzers!

if you dare...

go to abbiewarnock.com and see my photo shoot!!!

love,
lynsie

Oh what a night! So much fun, so many moments of laughter and joy. So many moments of true friendship. Even after all these years; it was like putting on my favorite dress, you know the one that makes you feel amazing and beautiful despite your flaws and imperfections. THAT is what friends are for. I am such a lucky girl! Time has not touched the friendships we shared, and that is greatest suprise I have had in a long time!
Love,
Lynsie

happy thoughts

adam left about half an hour ago to drive down to southern utah for his premium limited entry archery deer hunt. he might be gone for up to a week. but i am happy for him, while i miss him terribly.

he has been applying for this hunting permit for almost 10 years! of course it comes the year that life as we knew it changed abruptly. of course it comes the year i can't go with him. but when i really think about it, of course it came this year... adam really really needed something great to look forward to. there was a lot of this past 6 months that centered around me and a hospital bed, and the 15 months before that were almost completely centered around tristan and the pregnancy. he needed to have some personal time. i can still miss him terribly though...

at least i have an exciting weekend to look forward to. i can't wait to play with my best elementary school friends this weekend!!! it should be an evening to remember, we haven't spent real time together since about 8th grade. thank goodness for facebook and blogger; i don't know if we ever would have met back up!

until friday, i guess i'll just think happy thoughts, like this one:

up south fork, up the national forest access, up the walking path, past the meadow, up the side of the creek, a soft clearing of grass next to a little pond and the creek, i am laying with my feet touching the ice cold water and my fingers digging into the dark black dirt so i can almost taste the pungent smell of it, the sun is high in the sky above me, there is nothing for me to do but relax and listen to the soft sounds of the water.

what are your happy thoughts? i would love to hear them!

(a friend on facebook asked this today)

*think happy thoughts!*

love,
lynsie

(photos taken by adam, in junes garden. we are really gonna miss junes garden when we move!)

super volcanic

I have had mini melt down after mega melt down after supermassive blackhole melt down over the past few weeks. I don’t know what it is for sure, there are too many things going on for me to pinpoint it. I just feel a little sensitive right now, that’s all.

Needless to say, it has been interesting. Lots of good writing material.

(Always a bright side)

I saw Julie and Julia today. “I hate it. I don’t understand it.” You might have to see the movie before that makes sense. ;) It gave me goosebumps. More than once! It was excellent!!!

I had a Vesuvius sized meltdown today. It was like watching Tristan throw a fit over wanting to feed himself the popsicle and throwing the popsicle in the dirt. I knew it was pathetic and wasteful, but I did it anyways. I cried and cried and cried. My emotions shifted like three bazillion times in thirty minutes. I was so tired, I bet I would have sucked on my blankey and self-soothed myself to sleep. (nyam nyam nyam nyam) ;)

I am so lucky I have adam. What on earth would I do without that man. He has got to be the worlds greatest husband, hands down. He pushed his hurt feelings aside and held me tight and listened to me ramble on. (kinda like you guys) it helped so much. He has this amazing ability to pull me into focus, like gravity or something.

Anyways, after the eruption, I went to the movie by myself.

The “movies by myself” thing gives me time to think.

While I was watching my movie today I was smiling so big. It was genuine. It was great. I was laughing and enjoying the movie. At some points I thought to myself, “Hey, I could do something great with my blog.” But then I remembered that I kinda suck at follow through… (cough, cough, purses) hmmm hmmm.

In other news; I went JOGGING today! For the first time in a really long time I actually jog/ran with Tristan and the dogs for almost two miles consistently. It was awesome. I was sweating like something from a peter Jackson film, but I felt the runners high and it was oh so sweet!!! I am absolutely 100% addicted to exercise.

It has been 7 weeks today since I had my hysterectomy. I am now allowed to start gradually working back up to my old fitness routines. In case some of you don’t remember, or are fooled by my bootylicious post baby body, I was training for an ironman when I found out I was pregnant with Tristan.

We had been trying to get pregnant for so long that I kinda thought it wasn’t gonna happen that month. I had just finished the Utah half ironman and lotoja and was gearing up for a late season ironman. I was in great shape! I felt so good. I was going to school full time and getting a 3.9 gpa average while completing all of my prerequisites for nursing school . I realized quickly that I was pregnant. I was so worried when I started getting sick and had to quit my 4 in the morning triathlon coaching gig. By the time I was 6 months prego I was working out again and I worked out up to the day before I delivered Tristan! Breastfeeding was a magic solution to the weight I gained and soon after T was born I was 7 pounds away from my pre-baby weight. Then… my aunt flo decided to come back. And, well, the rest is ancient history.

The important thing is that I have learned to accept myself. Somewhere along the line I had somehow stopped doing that. Not sure why. But I am slightly convinced that it has to do with lack of exercise. Lynsie+exercise=healthy inside and out. I am sure that the whole “not believing in myself” garbage is the main ingredient in my melt-down magma. I am so excited to start exercising again!

Oh ya, did I tell you the house has an offer under review? Yup, my house. My precious house. The precious house that I cant afford anymore and don’t really need because it is too big anyways. The precious house that has sucked 43,000 dollars out of us during the last 3 years and isn’t paying us back a dime. It’s been crazy trying to figure out what we are gonna do and where we are gonna live. I am wanting so badly to get back into a routine and feel like moving is gonna postpone that even longer. I want to be sewing every day again. I miss it, and I want to make all of the purses that I have on backorder, but I have SO MUCH going on right now. Hmmm… I think I need to prioritize again. Just as long as we end up somewhere safe, together, and less expensive. That’s really all I ask. Sound like a gamble to you? Hell, I lived in the back of a vw van for a year, I can do ANYTHING!

You think I might be a bit of a bad gambler? Hmmm… maybe third times a charm. Maybe it’s just been “a good run of bad luck”?

You never know what’s waiting around the bend till you get there!

Love,
Lynsie

go crazy!

The other day someone actually said to me;

“wow… so when did you go crazy then???”

Completely honestly.

It was awesome.

I said something like, “ I dunnu, probably when I was 9 or 10… that’s when it really started, but honestly it is so great to be feeling good again, ya know… feeling ALIVE and at peace.”

I was about to continue by saying, in my best “completely honest” fashion; “ How are you doing with it? It must be hard to be so unhappy and judgy all the time. Just horrible! Well, I hope you go crazy soon… I mean, “get better”. ;)

But my snarky inner monologue silenced itself (amazingly).

I just politely changed the subject to something about the primary parade at the church parking lot across the street.

Hmmm… I wonder how many of you will really get my message here and how many are going, “wonder who it was, probably so and so…” ;)

Love,
Lynsie

pics!

click on this pic to go to a whole bunch of pictures of the birthday boy and our july adventures!
love,
lynsie