I'm out of surgery and in my room! I feel like ten times better than I expected to! Those prayers you all have been sending my way ate working!
THANK YOU!
I'm still not up for visitors but tommorow I should be. I'm at Utah valley hosp.
Love,
Lynsie
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
the update
Surgery is 5:30 am tommorow!!! I'm currently being kidnapped by my little sister for an evening of fun. Tristan has been doing so good and I am so happy about that! I have so many wonderful friends and family that are supporting me right now. Thank you all so much! I am not sure when I'll be ready for visitors, but I will post updates and send texts when I am ready. Thoughts and prayers are appreciated!
So, LETS DO THIS Already!!!!!
Love,
Lynsie
So, LETS DO THIS Already!!!!!
Love,
Lynsie
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Another Story...
Mood: just for fun
Listening to: an OLD mix comprised of; 311, the soundtrack to the newer romeo and juliet movie, the spice girls and sublime.
Enjoying: a large mug of water through a straw. (I'm trying to get myself in "hospital mode". ;)
Side Note: don't you love it how music can literally bring you back to a certain time and place and make you truly relive memories?
Story:
When I was about 13 I met this boy, we can call him Mex, who introduced me to his friends. He was a Native American, he got the nickname from someone who was trying to be rude, but he kept it and wore it with pride. He was a semi pro/pro rollerblader. (think X games, ramps, rails, etc-... not that guy in short-shorts that rollerskates up provo canyon looking like Kip from Napoleon Dynamite.) He and his friends really liked this band 311. We used to drive around together and find parks and buildings and stadiums and office complexes and schools and stop and video them while they skated. They edited the home videos and added all this 311 music to the background. We all thought we were SO COOL. ;) We had so much good clean fun; no drugs, no sex, no illegal behavior (unless you count the random acts of nudity... and for the record I am pleading the fifth on that one, if you were there you would too!) I guess, the only exception was if we had seen it in reality bites then we reserved the right to try it. Pretty close to innocent though. ;)
I remember a time when this group of friends and I went up to SLC to a skate competition at Salty Peaks (?). There was plenty of 311 played at the comp. One of the cute girls that came with us had her hair parted in a FAR to the side swoop bang. (This was WAY before the swoop was popular... yes, we were THAT stylish... and don't even get me started on Sublime...) By the end of the day up in SLC we all had gotten some serious sun! I usually just continue to change races. (ie: my skin is olive and I have no clue why so I claim ALL races, and I rarely ever sunburn.) The Rads are bro and sis and they have white-blond hair, blue eyes and, you guessed it, FAIR skin. They were essentially bright red. Mex was a super dark tan. Most of the other skate boys had red and white farmer-tans, their sweat soaked shirts were thrown off hours ago. I looked over at my cute shy friend with the swoop bangs and started to laugh. I asked her if I could look at her forehead and see if she got a tan line from her bangs! OH MY HECK! SHE DID!
It was classical teenage joy over nonsensical things. This memory came back to me crystal clear during one of the songs I just listened to. We had so much fun together. Suddenly, all of these fun memories of this old group of friends just kinda flooded me.
I remembered that we also used to make home movies during the evenings as a group of friends, usually listening to 311, drinking gas station cappicinos with loads of sugar and creamer and snackwells cookies driving around in Vince (the volkswagen) who always had SEVERAL vanillaroma trees hanging from the rear view mirror.
We would arrive on our different movie shooting sites and film horror movies. I always got to be the girl who is being chased by the murderer. It was so fun. One time Josh (one of the skater boys) was filming and he zoomed in and out on this humongous zit on my nose. (I had just picked at for at least an hour before I came over so I poured a pound of cover up on it and pretended it wasn't there.) I had no clue he was filming that way, he didn't even laugh! He was stealthy when it came to practical jokes. The little tease filmed the entire movie using his zooming skills. When we got together at the end of the night to watch our new "film" it was ROLL ON THE GROUND funny to watch! I think my lemon even peed her pants while laughing during this one. (see, sometimes people pee their pants...)
What a great group of kids. I had so much fun with them. Recently, thanks entirely to blogger and facebook, I have been in contact with this group of friends again. Just in time too... It is so crazy... three of us have chronic illnesses and deal with pain on a daily basis
My Lemon: lymes disease, a rare bacterial infection/parasite, tonsilitis, appendicitus, endometiosis, AND a new baby guy
Mex: graves disease, radioactive treatment, removal of thyroid, medications, muscle weakness, extreme weight loss, major fatigue,
And me: well, you all know my chart :).
It is crazy how comforting it has been to be able to talk to these guys. Some how our history together makes their advice to me truly priceless. I am so honored to have them in my life again, and feel like they are angels who have so much to teach me! I am so glad to have their experiences to learn from.
There are, of course, some people from the old "crew" that are no longer around for one reason or another. Unfortunately, some of those reasons include losing them for a while... while they wait for us on the other side. (Love you Joshy.) Josh's viewing had a small tv playing our homemade skate videos and a little boom box playing 311 and spice girls. It melted my heart. I am so glad I have the comfort of my faith in times like that.
Some of the other reasons we grew apart as friends include normal things like being married, having kids, going away to school or for a job, etc-. One guy owns his own business designing, making and selling baby shoes and accessories and is willing to give me some tips and help to start up my bags business!
Another girl had a baby with really severe reflux and when he was about 3 months old she got in a really bad accident and had to wear a FULL BODY CAST for some horrible amount of time. She was unable to hold her baby while he screamed and screamed from reflux. She talked to me about postpardem, really honestly. It was so refreshing. I listened to all of her stories about the time when she was in the cast, and felt like it was helping me to cope with the idea of not picking tristan up for 6 weeks after my surgery next tuesday. Her stories made me have faith that I will be okay, and that SO MANY WONDERFUL PEOPLE will be here to help me. :) The cute girl who got the sun burn bangs is my friend on facebook, she has little ones and shares tips on being a mommy.
The mom of one of the girls lives in my ward right now and she had something like 10 kids, and 8 of them had really severe colic. All of her boys have experienced serious health complications and, to top it all off, all of the boys have a rare bleeding disorder. This woman is such a saint. She gives me comfort and advice and has so much experience.
It is neat to look into the eyes of a mother who has grown children and see the way that being a mother has shaped her. Some women turn out to be strange works of art, a little twisted here or there and perhaps even a little abstract at times, but always beautiful for their complexities and strength. Other women turn out to be stunning beacons of selflessness. And selflessness is quite possibly the most attractive feature that any person could ever have. I like to think I am shaping into a good mixture of the twisted and the beautiful. What's life without a little character anyways?
It is wonderful to have so many kind women, of all ages and backgrounds, talking to me and sharing their insights and advices and comforts. I am honored. :)
So, long story even longer, I am having a good day. I felt so much love and support and kindness today from all of you! Thank you! Turns out my seizures are most likely caused by severe anxiety. (In 2006 I had a series of severe anxiety attacks and when I talked to the doc about these recent ones he reminded me that they were very similar to what happened these last few days.) I am getting anxious, but I am still VERY VERY hopeful.
love,
lynsie
p.s. Go kiss your babys, all of you mommies and daddies! xoxo
Listening to: an OLD mix comprised of; 311, the soundtrack to the newer romeo and juliet movie, the spice girls and sublime.
Enjoying: a large mug of water through a straw. (I'm trying to get myself in "hospital mode". ;)
Side Note: don't you love it how music can literally bring you back to a certain time and place and make you truly relive memories?
Story:
When I was about 13 I met this boy, we can call him Mex, who introduced me to his friends. He was a Native American, he got the nickname from someone who was trying to be rude, but he kept it and wore it with pride. He was a semi pro/pro rollerblader. (think X games, ramps, rails, etc-... not that guy in short-shorts that rollerskates up provo canyon looking like Kip from Napoleon Dynamite.) He and his friends really liked this band 311. We used to drive around together and find parks and buildings and stadiums and office complexes and schools and stop and video them while they skated. They edited the home videos and added all this 311 music to the background. We all thought we were SO COOL. ;) We had so much good clean fun; no drugs, no sex, no illegal behavior (unless you count the random acts of nudity... and for the record I am pleading the fifth on that one, if you were there you would too!) I guess, the only exception was if we had seen it in reality bites then we reserved the right to try it. Pretty close to innocent though. ;)
I remember a time when this group of friends and I went up to SLC to a skate competition at Salty Peaks (?). There was plenty of 311 played at the comp. One of the cute girls that came with us had her hair parted in a FAR to the side swoop bang. (This was WAY before the swoop was popular... yes, we were THAT stylish... and don't even get me started on Sublime...) By the end of the day up in SLC we all had gotten some serious sun! I usually just continue to change races. (ie: my skin is olive and I have no clue why so I claim ALL races, and I rarely ever sunburn.) The Rads are bro and sis and they have white-blond hair, blue eyes and, you guessed it, FAIR skin. They were essentially bright red. Mex was a super dark tan. Most of the other skate boys had red and white farmer-tans, their sweat soaked shirts were thrown off hours ago. I looked over at my cute shy friend with the swoop bangs and started to laugh. I asked her if I could look at her forehead and see if she got a tan line from her bangs! OH MY HECK! SHE DID!
It was classical teenage joy over nonsensical things. This memory came back to me crystal clear during one of the songs I just listened to. We had so much fun together. Suddenly, all of these fun memories of this old group of friends just kinda flooded me.
I remembered that we also used to make home movies during the evenings as a group of friends, usually listening to 311, drinking gas station cappicinos with loads of sugar and creamer and snackwells cookies driving around in Vince (the volkswagen) who always had SEVERAL vanillaroma trees hanging from the rear view mirror.
We would arrive on our different movie shooting sites and film horror movies. I always got to be the girl who is being chased by the murderer. It was so fun. One time Josh (one of the skater boys) was filming and he zoomed in and out on this humongous zit on my nose. (I had just picked at for at least an hour before I came over so I poured a pound of cover up on it and pretended it wasn't there.) I had no clue he was filming that way, he didn't even laugh! He was stealthy when it came to practical jokes. The little tease filmed the entire movie using his zooming skills. When we got together at the end of the night to watch our new "film" it was ROLL ON THE GROUND funny to watch! I think my lemon even peed her pants while laughing during this one. (see, sometimes people pee their pants...)
What a great group of kids. I had so much fun with them. Recently, thanks entirely to blogger and facebook, I have been in contact with this group of friends again. Just in time too... It is so crazy... three of us have chronic illnesses and deal with pain on a daily basis
My Lemon: lymes disease, a rare bacterial infection/parasite, tonsilitis, appendicitus, endometiosis, AND a new baby guy
Mex: graves disease, radioactive treatment, removal of thyroid, medications, muscle weakness, extreme weight loss, major fatigue,
And me: well, you all know my chart :).
It is crazy how comforting it has been to be able to talk to these guys. Some how our history together makes their advice to me truly priceless. I am so honored to have them in my life again, and feel like they are angels who have so much to teach me! I am so glad to have their experiences to learn from.
There are, of course, some people from the old "crew" that are no longer around for one reason or another. Unfortunately, some of those reasons include losing them for a while... while they wait for us on the other side. (Love you Joshy.) Josh's viewing had a small tv playing our homemade skate videos and a little boom box playing 311 and spice girls. It melted my heart. I am so glad I have the comfort of my faith in times like that.
Some of the other reasons we grew apart as friends include normal things like being married, having kids, going away to school or for a job, etc-. One guy owns his own business designing, making and selling baby shoes and accessories and is willing to give me some tips and help to start up my bags business!
Another girl had a baby with really severe reflux and when he was about 3 months old she got in a really bad accident and had to wear a FULL BODY CAST for some horrible amount of time. She was unable to hold her baby while he screamed and screamed from reflux. She talked to me about postpardem, really honestly. It was so refreshing. I listened to all of her stories about the time when she was in the cast, and felt like it was helping me to cope with the idea of not picking tristan up for 6 weeks after my surgery next tuesday. Her stories made me have faith that I will be okay, and that SO MANY WONDERFUL PEOPLE will be here to help me. :) The cute girl who got the sun burn bangs is my friend on facebook, she has little ones and shares tips on being a mommy.
The mom of one of the girls lives in my ward right now and she had something like 10 kids, and 8 of them had really severe colic. All of her boys have experienced serious health complications and, to top it all off, all of the boys have a rare bleeding disorder. This woman is such a saint. She gives me comfort and advice and has so much experience.
It is neat to look into the eyes of a mother who has grown children and see the way that being a mother has shaped her. Some women turn out to be strange works of art, a little twisted here or there and perhaps even a little abstract at times, but always beautiful for their complexities and strength. Other women turn out to be stunning beacons of selflessness. And selflessness is quite possibly the most attractive feature that any person could ever have. I like to think I am shaping into a good mixture of the twisted and the beautiful. What's life without a little character anyways?
It is wonderful to have so many kind women, of all ages and backgrounds, talking to me and sharing their insights and advices and comforts. I am honored. :)
So, long story even longer, I am having a good day. I felt so much love and support and kindness today from all of you! Thank you! Turns out my seizures are most likely caused by severe anxiety. (In 2006 I had a series of severe anxiety attacks and when I talked to the doc about these recent ones he reminded me that they were very similar to what happened these last few days.) I am getting anxious, but I am still VERY VERY hopeful.
love,
lynsie
p.s. Go kiss your babys, all of you mommies and daddies! xoxo
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Think of Niagra Falls, a fast moving river, a faucet running...
If you are not already aware, I ALWAYS end up saying too much, embarrassing myself (and sometimes you!) and talking about things that are normally NOT TALKED ABOUT.
so, consider yourself warned*************
Last night:
I was really really nauseous all day long, and finally had Adam give me an IV of phenegran and fluids. As soon as he got it all set up I started puking EVERYWHERE.
It was so weird! I was throwing up completely instinctual. There was no part of my mind that was controlling the movement of my body. (As far as I could tell.)
Suddenly, in what felt like about two hours of falling backwards through the kitchen floor while shaking violently, I looked up to see Adam and Tristan standing above me, but I could not figure out what had just happened, how I got to the floor.
I started crying, although nothing hurt, amazingly. It was just shocking. I caught my breath and asked Adam if I has just passed out. He said yes. I then started to grab the chair and pull myself up.
***warning... graphic content*** ;)
While trying to stand up I noticed the floor was all wet... same with my pants, my undies...
Oooooooooooooh crap!
I peed my pants?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
WTF
(by the way, that stands for What The Frodo... don't know what you were thinking ;)
As soon as Adam noticed the puddle, he got a scared look on his face. Now, when your firefighter/paramedic husband gets a worried look on his face in a situation like this YOU KNOW you should be worried.
Apparently, I had a small seizure. This is kinda like what happened a few weeks ago, but we thought it was the hormone pills. I have not been taking them at all. I barely even take an ibuprofen these days!
After the seizure I had a really hard time opening my left eye. There was no other movement impairment on the left side, and Adam checked my pupil and stuff to see if it was a stroke. We decided to drug me up and put me to bed.
I woke up this morning to the most EMPTY house! Adam was gone, just me and T. I think I have grown too attached to having Adam home everyday!!! I was a little nervous that I might seizure again, so i decided not to drive anywhere. By about 10:00 AM I was having a really hard time using my left eye again and then I puked and puked and fell on the floor in the bathroom downstairs. My phone was upstairs. i felt the shaking, the falling backwards sensation, the warmth of me peeing myself, then a few moments of nothing, then I saw the upside down view of Tristan screaming crying at the child gate at the bathroom door.
What in the world is going on? Have you ever heard of someone passing out when they vomit? I wonder if I just have so much anxiety about surgery and stuff and then I caught this little flu bug and now when I puke it just sets off a seizure type thing.
wow
I think i am gonna fake like i have tourrets now, just to seal the deal. ;)
Love,
Lynsie
p.s. please please tell me someone out there has peed themselves as an adult! That was some really embarassing honesty I just put out there!
p.p.s. my loving sister leslee is taking the entire day off work tommorow to be with me and drive me to crest and help me with tristan. I LOVE YOU MESSIE! xoxoxo
so, consider yourself warned*************
Last night:
I was really really nauseous all day long, and finally had Adam give me an IV of phenegran and fluids. As soon as he got it all set up I started puking EVERYWHERE.
It was so weird! I was throwing up completely instinctual. There was no part of my mind that was controlling the movement of my body. (As far as I could tell.)
Suddenly, in what felt like about two hours of falling backwards through the kitchen floor while shaking violently, I looked up to see Adam and Tristan standing above me, but I could not figure out what had just happened, how I got to the floor.
I started crying, although nothing hurt, amazingly. It was just shocking. I caught my breath and asked Adam if I has just passed out. He said yes. I then started to grab the chair and pull myself up.
***warning... graphic content*** ;)
While trying to stand up I noticed the floor was all wet... same with my pants, my undies...
Oooooooooooooh crap!
I peed my pants?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
WTF
(by the way, that stands for What The Frodo... don't know what you were thinking ;)
As soon as Adam noticed the puddle, he got a scared look on his face. Now, when your firefighter/paramedic husband gets a worried look on his face in a situation like this YOU KNOW you should be worried.
Apparently, I had a small seizure. This is kinda like what happened a few weeks ago, but we thought it was the hormone pills. I have not been taking them at all. I barely even take an ibuprofen these days!
After the seizure I had a really hard time opening my left eye. There was no other movement impairment on the left side, and Adam checked my pupil and stuff to see if it was a stroke. We decided to drug me up and put me to bed.
I woke up this morning to the most EMPTY house! Adam was gone, just me and T. I think I have grown too attached to having Adam home everyday!!! I was a little nervous that I might seizure again, so i decided not to drive anywhere. By about 10:00 AM I was having a really hard time using my left eye again and then I puked and puked and fell on the floor in the bathroom downstairs. My phone was upstairs. i felt the shaking, the falling backwards sensation, the warmth of me peeing myself, then a few moments of nothing, then I saw the upside down view of Tristan screaming crying at the child gate at the bathroom door.
What in the world is going on? Have you ever heard of someone passing out when they vomit? I wonder if I just have so much anxiety about surgery and stuff and then I caught this little flu bug and now when I puke it just sets off a seizure type thing.
wow
I think i am gonna fake like i have tourrets now, just to seal the deal. ;)
Love,
Lynsie
p.s. please please tell me someone out there has peed themselves as an adult! That was some really embarassing honesty I just put out there!
p.p.s. my loving sister leslee is taking the entire day off work tommorow to be with me and drive me to crest and help me with tristan. I LOVE YOU MESSIE! xoxoxo
Saturday, June 13, 2009
I just... ATE a bug!
No, but really I just broke my toe.
Oooooooooooooooooooooouch!
Maybe I'll watch Overboard tonight while I ice it. I LOVE that movie.
Love,
Lynsie
Oooooooooooooooooooooouch!
Maybe I'll watch Overboard tonight while I ice it. I LOVE that movie.
Love,
Lynsie
Friday, June 12, 2009
summerfest
i dont think i can fully remember my first summerfest. that was a long long long time ago. but i remember quite a few of them since then.
summerfest is the annual Orem City festival, fully loaded with carnies, local "talent", shops, carnie food, rides, a parade, fireworks and really amazing short shorts and bad bad haircuts. (my own haircut being one of the WORST of the night, and that is truly saying something!)
we brought the dogs and T in the jogging stroller and went to pick up the little girls at adams parents house. it was fun and interesting to go to summerfest today.
there was sweet corn and churros and soft serve ice cream and kettle corn and scones and the smell of the exhaust from the classic cars as they all pulled out one by one as the rain began.
So many different people. so many different stories. and there i was, in the crowd, just another "story".
People stopped us almost constantly to pet the dogs. "are they friendly?", "do they bite?", "are they police dogs?", "are they twins?"... we started to feel like our own little parade.
it was fulfilling and wonderful to watch a fearful child approach the dogs filled with apprehension, wanting so badly to touch the dogs, but scared to death of them because of their "image", or you may even say "prejudice". if you have ever owned a german shepherd, or pitbull, or rotty, you know what i am talking about. it almost hurts the first time you hear the neighbor kids saying; "my mom said that the webbs dogs will kill you if you touch them", "i heard that the black one ALWAYS bites". and so on. you think to yourself, "i have worked my butt off to train this highly intelligent dog and it is quite possibly smarter than your mom...grumble grumble...".
summerfest 2001 was when i saw adam on 8th north and he backed up his car at the stoplight just to say hi to me. i was really really impressed. we hung out every single day for a year after that night. summerfest has a special little place in my heart.
it was fun to watch the people, and to remember the different stages of childhood, preteen, teenager, know-it-all 18 year old, newly married, brand new parents... all of the things i had been once before at this very same place. i laughed as i saw the cute girl with dreadlocks and a patchwork halter top dress by the ferris wheel. i remember that phase of my life... it was actually pretty fun. :) that's when i really learned how to sew! it was my only job. then there was the black and blue under the eyes friend i saw with her brand new baby. so tired. i wanted to force her to sleep right then! i don't think i will ever forget those early days with tristan. it was SO hard! (but so worth it too). then i saw the newlyweds, the couple on their first date, the group of super pretty and bratty teenage girls with the preppy/skater boys at their beckon call, the nerdy fourth or fifth grader that was following us around, in love with our dogs, and talking about wanting to be a vet someday... these were just a few of the people i saw myself in. then i started to see parts of myself in people i wouldn't usually think i had anything in common with. the look of joy in a mothers eyes as her kids performed on the stage, the dad at the ATM who walked away with a crumpled up receipt and told his three little girls they would "get special ice cream, as soon as we get home", the older woman who was fanning herself with vigor from her obvious heat flashes, the large Polynesian man with his pit bull, the down syndrome little boy with the brown hair and brown eyes who started doing sign language to me when he saw me, the old man that made my soft serve. it was beautiful. i was finally seeing it.
zion
i had heard it said a million times, but never quite knew what it felt like to truly be one with others. there i was, walking around summerfest and seeing myself in all of the other people around me. i was peaceful and felt a love and compassion for each of those people. they are, after all, my brothers and sisters. i know i have believed this for a long time, but i dont think i ever really saw it for myself this clearly. it was really beautiful.
within a few moments my thoughts drifted, as they usually do, to humor. i noticed that adam was super uncomfortable because of the three boys that were singing the jackson five remix in their costumes on the stage. i knew that this situation called for humor, STAT! we engaged in humorous banter as we passed the crowds and eventually made our way to the car.
i noticed something different about myself when i sat in the car... i was really really happy!
how long had it been? i mean, i know i was really really happy when tristan was born but... had it really been that long? how sad!!! i think i am finally starting to feel settled, emotionally. i am not gonna lie, it has been a really hard 10 months. i guess part of me thought that i would never feel the way i did before all of this ... stress and surgeries. i am so glad i stuck it out! it feels so good to have hope and faith. i am so excited to have my surgery. it is the light at the end of my tunnel. (but don't worry, not THAT light...) ;)
now, if only i could remember this happy feeling always. hmmm, i guess thats what this blog is for!
love,
lynsie
summerfest is the annual Orem City festival, fully loaded with carnies, local "talent", shops, carnie food, rides, a parade, fireworks and really amazing short shorts and bad bad haircuts. (my own haircut being one of the WORST of the night, and that is truly saying something!)
we brought the dogs and T in the jogging stroller and went to pick up the little girls at adams parents house. it was fun and interesting to go to summerfest today.
there was sweet corn and churros and soft serve ice cream and kettle corn and scones and the smell of the exhaust from the classic cars as they all pulled out one by one as the rain began.
So many different people. so many different stories. and there i was, in the crowd, just another "story".
People stopped us almost constantly to pet the dogs. "are they friendly?", "do they bite?", "are they police dogs?", "are they twins?"... we started to feel like our own little parade.
it was fulfilling and wonderful to watch a fearful child approach the dogs filled with apprehension, wanting so badly to touch the dogs, but scared to death of them because of their "image", or you may even say "prejudice". if you have ever owned a german shepherd, or pitbull, or rotty, you know what i am talking about. it almost hurts the first time you hear the neighbor kids saying; "my mom said that the webbs dogs will kill you if you touch them", "i heard that the black one ALWAYS bites". and so on. you think to yourself, "i have worked my butt off to train this highly intelligent dog and it is quite possibly smarter than your mom...grumble grumble...".
summerfest 2001 was when i saw adam on 8th north and he backed up his car at the stoplight just to say hi to me. i was really really impressed. we hung out every single day for a year after that night. summerfest has a special little place in my heart.
it was fun to watch the people, and to remember the different stages of childhood, preteen, teenager, know-it-all 18 year old, newly married, brand new parents... all of the things i had been once before at this very same place. i laughed as i saw the cute girl with dreadlocks and a patchwork halter top dress by the ferris wheel. i remember that phase of my life... it was actually pretty fun. :) that's when i really learned how to sew! it was my only job. then there was the black and blue under the eyes friend i saw with her brand new baby. so tired. i wanted to force her to sleep right then! i don't think i will ever forget those early days with tristan. it was SO hard! (but so worth it too). then i saw the newlyweds, the couple on their first date, the group of super pretty and bratty teenage girls with the preppy/skater boys at their beckon call, the nerdy fourth or fifth grader that was following us around, in love with our dogs, and talking about wanting to be a vet someday... these were just a few of the people i saw myself in. then i started to see parts of myself in people i wouldn't usually think i had anything in common with. the look of joy in a mothers eyes as her kids performed on the stage, the dad at the ATM who walked away with a crumpled up receipt and told his three little girls they would "get special ice cream, as soon as we get home", the older woman who was fanning herself with vigor from her obvious heat flashes, the large Polynesian man with his pit bull, the down syndrome little boy with the brown hair and brown eyes who started doing sign language to me when he saw me, the old man that made my soft serve. it was beautiful. i was finally seeing it.
zion
i had heard it said a million times, but never quite knew what it felt like to truly be one with others. there i was, walking around summerfest and seeing myself in all of the other people around me. i was peaceful and felt a love and compassion for each of those people. they are, after all, my brothers and sisters. i know i have believed this for a long time, but i dont think i ever really saw it for myself this clearly. it was really beautiful.
within a few moments my thoughts drifted, as they usually do, to humor. i noticed that adam was super uncomfortable because of the three boys that were singing the jackson five remix in their costumes on the stage. i knew that this situation called for humor, STAT! we engaged in humorous banter as we passed the crowds and eventually made our way to the car.
i noticed something different about myself when i sat in the car... i was really really happy!
how long had it been? i mean, i know i was really really happy when tristan was born but... had it really been that long? how sad!!! i think i am finally starting to feel settled, emotionally. i am not gonna lie, it has been a really hard 10 months. i guess part of me thought that i would never feel the way i did before all of this ... stress and surgeries. i am so glad i stuck it out! it feels so good to have hope and faith. i am so excited to have my surgery. it is the light at the end of my tunnel. (but don't worry, not THAT light...) ;)
now, if only i could remember this happy feeling always. hmmm, i guess thats what this blog is for!
love,
lynsie
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
It happened.
It's one thirty in the morning. I just finished talking with Adam. I finally broke down and did the whole "what if" thing.
-What if we could somehow get pregnant?
-What if surgery changes me forever?
-What if there is another child for us?
It hurt my heart. I laid there in bed for about two hours with my heart racing. I finally woke adam up by saying, "honey, should we try to get pregnant."
He shot straight up in bed, the way I had always imagined he would wake up at the firestation when he heard the tones go off.
I have the sweetest, most patient and kind husband. He is so amazing. He listened, held me while I cried a little bit, soothed my aching little heart and helped me to get a hold of all my emotions and thoughts and nerves and just to CALM DOWN. It was really nice.
I guess I just had to actually know that I had given it a real, honest, clear and complete thought. And I did, we did. We talked about it a lot. For a long time. It was great because we talked so honestly about everything. We examined the situation for all the different things it could possibly be, Adam entertaining some of my "creative" anxiety driven worries. We asked ourselves some really hard questions.
What we came up with was a warm solution. It just fit. It was so strange and emotional and then so peaceful. I imagined the stories I had heard in church when I was little about when the spirit tells you something and if it is good you will feel it inside. If it is not, you won't.
We felt it, the peace of a sure answer. The armor of confidence, support, love, honesty and commitment.
We are doing the surgery.
I KNOW it will be okay, and that someday I will get the chance to be a mommy again.
I will be the best damn mommy in the world to Tristan... he will be blessed and happy and loved.
I will be good to myself, and love Adam and follow him as he leads our family. He is so amazing.
I will not look backwards, I will move forward. I will not have any regrets.
At least, this is what my heart tells me, and this is what I want.
love,
lynsie
-What if we could somehow get pregnant?
-What if surgery changes me forever?
-What if there is another child for us?
It hurt my heart. I laid there in bed for about two hours with my heart racing. I finally woke adam up by saying, "honey, should we try to get pregnant."
He shot straight up in bed, the way I had always imagined he would wake up at the firestation when he heard the tones go off.
I have the sweetest, most patient and kind husband. He is so amazing. He listened, held me while I cried a little bit, soothed my aching little heart and helped me to get a hold of all my emotions and thoughts and nerves and just to CALM DOWN. It was really nice.
I guess I just had to actually know that I had given it a real, honest, clear and complete thought. And I did, we did. We talked about it a lot. For a long time. It was great because we talked so honestly about everything. We examined the situation for all the different things it could possibly be, Adam entertaining some of my "creative" anxiety driven worries. We asked ourselves some really hard questions.
What we came up with was a warm solution. It just fit. It was so strange and emotional and then so peaceful. I imagined the stories I had heard in church when I was little about when the spirit tells you something and if it is good you will feel it inside. If it is not, you won't.
We felt it, the peace of a sure answer. The armor of confidence, support, love, honesty and commitment.
We are doing the surgery.
I KNOW it will be okay, and that someday I will get the chance to be a mommy again.
I will be the best damn mommy in the world to Tristan... he will be blessed and happy and loved.
I will be good to myself, and love Adam and follow him as he leads our family. He is so amazing.
I will not look backwards, I will move forward. I will not have any regrets.
At least, this is what my heart tells me, and this is what I want.
love,
lynsie
Monday, June 8, 2009
So much to do
today my brain feels like it wants to jump out of my eye socket. Is my body really that bad of a place to live that all of my organs are trying to jump ship?
in other news...
adam may have been offered a job working for guardian air in Alaska as a paramedic.
Hmmm hmmm... yes, I did really just write that. It has still not soaked into my brain, and looks really funny in writing, but it is a real possibility that we are talking about in the five minutes before we fall asleep when he holds me with his "cast" arm and I have my heating pad on my tummy and we finally get a few minutes to ourselves to talk. Not very much time for thinking about things that are so serious, but then again, it is almost dream time, so I like to think that we both dream about it sufficiently and thus if it is meant to be it will happen. Today I think I will look at the weather forecast and search for houses to rent. did i mention that he would make almost three times per month what he makes here??? And that he can put his job and retirement and benefits and everything here on "hold" for up to three years???
ALASKA!!! FREAKING ALASKA!!!!
Okay, next story...
I am sewing up a storm, and just finished the cutest bag I have ever made. i think i might get a little bit too attached to each of my sewing projects. i sit down there in my sewing room, finally able to relax and think, and i create these artful purses. I LOVE IT. it is so peaceful and fulfilling to me. Lara is the lucky girl who will get this one. (I will post a pic on my purse site later today) I think I will make this bag bigger and put bottle holders and a large diaper zipper on the backside. It is the PERFECT diaper bag!!!
My love adam is so tired today. he is asleep behind me right now in our bed. We have so much to do today. i am in charge of the volunteers and sponsors for the provo triathlon (three days before my surgery) and I was offered a really neat opportunity to sell my diaper bags to some nationwide boutiques. (THANKS KICKER!!!!) so I have been feeling pretty productive, but still have that haunting feeling that i haven't done enough... hate that feeling! sheesh!
we need to get adam a full cast today and fill out a boat load of workers comp papers and sick leave papers for his work. Did i mention that i am so grateful to have him home??? I need to get the insurance on his motorcycle finalized today and get them a picture of the bike. We need a new insurance co but i am afraid of switching right now since I filed BK, and I don't know if they will check our credit when we change and give us a really crappy policy. know any good insurance co's? We have our house and two cars and a motorcycle to insure. Anywho... I am rambling on now, maybe I will use this post as my to do list later today. that might just work. see, i am a multi-tasker now! We desperately need to help adams dad finish his bathroom project and i have a list a mile long of things that both he and i need to sell on KSL, just need to post them. ;)
NICK IF YOU ARE READING THIS THEN GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND FIX YOUR FRONT DOOR KNOB ASAP... I WILL GIVE YOU HELL WHEN I SEE YOU NEXT ;)
(Nick is Adams dad... he loves the heck outta me, even though i harass the heck outta him. i guess he is really MY DAD... wow that is a funny thing for me to say. My Dad... i like the sound of that! :)
What else, what else... hmm pay the mortgage, make sure the subaru payment was made, get groceries, check on my bike at sbr, dream about being skinny again and working out, cancel my 24 hr fitness membership before they start auto drafting my bank account in july, drink water, dream about being skinny again, show love to Adam and Tristan, see if anyone needs a hand or a shoulder or a hug today, check on my sick friends, call my brother and sis in law in NY, tell my little sister I love her, call my grandparents with dementia (again) and remind them that i love them a lot, i only missed grandpas birthday because i had surgery that day, i had a baby in july, i love them, i am missing the family reunion because of another surgery, i love them, i am not mad at them, i didn't want to miss grandpas birthday I HAD TO...(dementia is a hard one...) tell my mom i am proud of her, call jedd and brook and make plans to play with puppies, call brady and allison and keep brady positive even though he wrecked craigs jeep, make plans with my long lost emily and milo, and finally...
clean my house??? maybe not today.
thank you for indulging me ;)
love,
lynsie
in other news...
adam may have been offered a job working for guardian air in Alaska as a paramedic.
Hmmm hmmm... yes, I did really just write that. It has still not soaked into my brain, and looks really funny in writing, but it is a real possibility that we are talking about in the five minutes before we fall asleep when he holds me with his "cast" arm and I have my heating pad on my tummy and we finally get a few minutes to ourselves to talk. Not very much time for thinking about things that are so serious, but then again, it is almost dream time, so I like to think that we both dream about it sufficiently and thus if it is meant to be it will happen. Today I think I will look at the weather forecast and search for houses to rent. did i mention that he would make almost three times per month what he makes here??? And that he can put his job and retirement and benefits and everything here on "hold" for up to three years???
ALASKA!!! FREAKING ALASKA!!!!
Okay, next story...
I am sewing up a storm, and just finished the cutest bag I have ever made. i think i might get a little bit too attached to each of my sewing projects. i sit down there in my sewing room, finally able to relax and think, and i create these artful purses. I LOVE IT. it is so peaceful and fulfilling to me. Lara is the lucky girl who will get this one. (I will post a pic on my purse site later today) I think I will make this bag bigger and put bottle holders and a large diaper zipper on the backside. It is the PERFECT diaper bag!!!
My love adam is so tired today. he is asleep behind me right now in our bed. We have so much to do today. i am in charge of the volunteers and sponsors for the provo triathlon (three days before my surgery) and I was offered a really neat opportunity to sell my diaper bags to some nationwide boutiques. (THANKS KICKER!!!!) so I have been feeling pretty productive, but still have that haunting feeling that i haven't done enough... hate that feeling! sheesh!
we need to get adam a full cast today and fill out a boat load of workers comp papers and sick leave papers for his work. Did i mention that i am so grateful to have him home??? I need to get the insurance on his motorcycle finalized today and get them a picture of the bike. We need a new insurance co but i am afraid of switching right now since I filed BK, and I don't know if they will check our credit when we change and give us a really crappy policy. know any good insurance co's? We have our house and two cars and a motorcycle to insure. Anywho... I am rambling on now, maybe I will use this post as my to do list later today. that might just work. see, i am a multi-tasker now! We desperately need to help adams dad finish his bathroom project and i have a list a mile long of things that both he and i need to sell on KSL, just need to post them. ;)
NICK IF YOU ARE READING THIS THEN GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND FIX YOUR FRONT DOOR KNOB ASAP... I WILL GIVE YOU HELL WHEN I SEE YOU NEXT ;)
(Nick is Adams dad... he loves the heck outta me, even though i harass the heck outta him. i guess he is really MY DAD... wow that is a funny thing for me to say. My Dad... i like the sound of that! :)
What else, what else... hmm pay the mortgage, make sure the subaru payment was made, get groceries, check on my bike at sbr, dream about being skinny again and working out, cancel my 24 hr fitness membership before they start auto drafting my bank account in july, drink water, dream about being skinny again, show love to Adam and Tristan, see if anyone needs a hand or a shoulder or a hug today, check on my sick friends, call my brother and sis in law in NY, tell my little sister I love her, call my grandparents with dementia (again) and remind them that i love them a lot, i only missed grandpas birthday because i had surgery that day, i had a baby in july, i love them, i am missing the family reunion because of another surgery, i love them, i am not mad at them, i didn't want to miss grandpas birthday I HAD TO...(dementia is a hard one...) tell my mom i am proud of her, call jedd and brook and make plans to play with puppies, call brady and allison and keep brady positive even though he wrecked craigs jeep, make plans with my long lost emily and milo, and finally...
clean my house??? maybe not today.
thank you for indulging me ;)
love,
lynsie
Thursday, June 4, 2009
really???? are you joking???
i just came home from the grocery store to my house on fire.
did i jinx myself, or what?
i'm trying to remember if i broke a mirror recently or something.
here's the story;
i was boiling bottle parts downstairs (we have two kitchens) and my little sister came over. i visited with her and transferred the boiled clean bottle parts from the hot pan onto the drying racks and reloaded the pan with the remainder of tristans special bottles. (they have a million parts) i put i on the stove and asked adam to watch it for me. i even made a pretty big deal out of him keeping an eye on it. then i went upstairs and talked and laughed and joked with my little sister while tristan was being a cute little monster. adam somehow went upstairs and fell asleep on our bed. i didn't notice. then adams little sister came over. she had just had a frustrating event at his parents house (a few blocks away) and went storming out the front door in what was intented to be a dramatic exit only to find that there was no car outside for her to leave in. she started walking to our house. when she got here i offered to take her to the grocery store for a short break. we loaded up tristan and headed out. we took our sweet time at the store, laughing and joking, we even posed with tristan for a picture with the radio station and got free sodas! i filled a prescription for adam, we saw adams other sister there with her little girl. we talked to them for a while. i then took caty home and headed back to our house. when i was pulling in the driveway i could hear the smoke alarms going off. i knew exactly what had happened!!!! OH SHIT! (sorry) that was what i said as i ran inside screaming adams name carrying tristan in my arms. there was smoke and moisture so thick in the air it was hard to breath. i yelled out for adam again... he was not answering. OH SHIT!!! i threw the child gate out of the way, ran downstairs (still carrying tristan) saw that there were no flames, yet, just smoke and tons and tons of water damage. i "shera'd" the pot off the stove and out the back door on to the lawn. (maybe i really am a superhero?) then came in and turned the stove off and ran upstairs to find adam. i was sure he was passed out from CO poisoning. he woke up right as the smoke detectors turned off. i had every door and widow in the house open. (once again, super hero).
so maybe the house didn't really light on fire, but it was really really close. and i had to scrub the entire ceiling/walls/cupboards downsairs because they were covered in dark yellow watermarks and blisters of paint and water and smoke. after i was done cleaning i joined the family and animals on the lawn. so greatful that my little family was safe.
really brings perspective to me... right when i need it.
i am so glad that everything is okay. it could have been so much worse. i guess that is my lesson right now. everything IS okay, and it could be so much worse. i just need to weather this storm and show gratitude to all those who love and support us SO MUCH.
thank you, really truly, thank you. i love you all so much. i don't know how i would even make it another day without you and your kind words of encouragement and support. it really means the world to me.
so maybe i'll make the radio and the news today! ;)
love,
lynsie
did i jinx myself, or what?
i'm trying to remember if i broke a mirror recently or something.
here's the story;
i was boiling bottle parts downstairs (we have two kitchens) and my little sister came over. i visited with her and transferred the boiled clean bottle parts from the hot pan onto the drying racks and reloaded the pan with the remainder of tristans special bottles. (they have a million parts) i put i on the stove and asked adam to watch it for me. i even made a pretty big deal out of him keeping an eye on it. then i went upstairs and talked and laughed and joked with my little sister while tristan was being a cute little monster. adam somehow went upstairs and fell asleep on our bed. i didn't notice. then adams little sister came over. she had just had a frustrating event at his parents house (a few blocks away) and went storming out the front door in what was intented to be a dramatic exit only to find that there was no car outside for her to leave in. she started walking to our house. when she got here i offered to take her to the grocery store for a short break. we loaded up tristan and headed out. we took our sweet time at the store, laughing and joking, we even posed with tristan for a picture with the radio station and got free sodas! i filled a prescription for adam, we saw adams other sister there with her little girl. we talked to them for a while. i then took caty home and headed back to our house. when i was pulling in the driveway i could hear the smoke alarms going off. i knew exactly what had happened!!!! OH SHIT! (sorry) that was what i said as i ran inside screaming adams name carrying tristan in my arms. there was smoke and moisture so thick in the air it was hard to breath. i yelled out for adam again... he was not answering. OH SHIT!!! i threw the child gate out of the way, ran downstairs (still carrying tristan) saw that there were no flames, yet, just smoke and tons and tons of water damage. i "shera'd" the pot off the stove and out the back door on to the lawn. (maybe i really am a superhero?) then came in and turned the stove off and ran upstairs to find adam. i was sure he was passed out from CO poisoning. he woke up right as the smoke detectors turned off. i had every door and widow in the house open. (once again, super hero).
so maybe the house didn't really light on fire, but it was really really close. and i had to scrub the entire ceiling/walls/cupboards downsairs because they were covered in dark yellow watermarks and blisters of paint and water and smoke. after i was done cleaning i joined the family and animals on the lawn. so greatful that my little family was safe.
really brings perspective to me... right when i need it.
i am so glad that everything is okay. it could have been so much worse. i guess that is my lesson right now. everything IS okay, and it could be so much worse. i just need to weather this storm and show gratitude to all those who love and support us SO MUCH.
thank you, really truly, thank you. i love you all so much. i don't know how i would even make it another day without you and your kind words of encouragement and support. it really means the world to me.
so maybe i'll make the radio and the news today! ;)
love,
lynsie
you have got to be kidding me
today adam found out that his thumb is broken, on his right hand. this means so many things... since he is a firefighter/paramedic he will now be forced to take time off until it is healed. since it happened at work and he filed a report he will be able to get 2/3rds of his pay covered for his time gone (appx 4-6 weeks) but has to use sick time for the 1/3rd remainder. he has NO sick time, we have dipped into vacation and holiday time already this year with all my surgeries and bad days. wow. you have got to be kidding me.
oh well, i guess it can be seen as a strange blessing in disguise. now i don't have to call him home from work with my crying and pain. he will already be here with me, in his own pain and torture. to adam this is torture. he is so concerned about money. i guess i can't blame him, considering all that we have been through this last year. i tried to calm him down and tell him that somehow this will all work out, but sometimes people just want to be upset, and need someone to be upset with them. so instead we drove around and made fun of people around byu then went to brick oven and spent money. we know, we are brilliant. ;)
tristan is being a complete monster today, but in a cute way. his personality is changing. he is trying really hard to communicate with us and babbles in his falsetto voice at unimaginably loud decibles. what a freaking cutie. three people this week have called him a girl. SERIOUSLY... could he look/act any more like a boy? always in brown and blue and growling and biting. i guess maybe the falsetto voice is catching people off gaurd... that and his faux hawk... oh well, they are the weirdos that work at brick oven, flirt with their 45 year old married manager and dress like a 45 year old polygamist. did i really just write that? maybe i should repent... sometimes being this close to byu makes me do bad things.
so on with our day, and on we must go. there is no stopping to cry or feel bad about our situation. we are now officially both Joe from joe vs the volcano. "that hat is wearing you, Felix." I am a little soul sick, he is a little depressed. we are both here for eachother and not going anywere. we got tristan, our little miracle, and he might be a little monster but he is MY little monster and i love them both.
just watch for us in the news, the headline will read something like "rare lighting strike hits one single home in Orem."
:)
love,
lynsie
oh well, i guess it can be seen as a strange blessing in disguise. now i don't have to call him home from work with my crying and pain. he will already be here with me, in his own pain and torture. to adam this is torture. he is so concerned about money. i guess i can't blame him, considering all that we have been through this last year. i tried to calm him down and tell him that somehow this will all work out, but sometimes people just want to be upset, and need someone to be upset with them. so instead we drove around and made fun of people around byu then went to brick oven and spent money. we know, we are brilliant. ;)
tristan is being a complete monster today, but in a cute way. his personality is changing. he is trying really hard to communicate with us and babbles in his falsetto voice at unimaginably loud decibles. what a freaking cutie. three people this week have called him a girl. SERIOUSLY... could he look/act any more like a boy? always in brown and blue and growling and biting. i guess maybe the falsetto voice is catching people off gaurd... that and his faux hawk... oh well, they are the weirdos that work at brick oven, flirt with their 45 year old married manager and dress like a 45 year old polygamist. did i really just write that? maybe i should repent... sometimes being this close to byu makes me do bad things.
so on with our day, and on we must go. there is no stopping to cry or feel bad about our situation. we are now officially both Joe from joe vs the volcano. "that hat is wearing you, Felix." I am a little soul sick, he is a little depressed. we are both here for eachother and not going anywere. we got tristan, our little miracle, and he might be a little monster but he is MY little monster and i love them both.
just watch for us in the news, the headline will read something like "rare lighting strike hits one single home in Orem."
:)
love,
lynsie
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
what a day
first of all, let me just apologize for the missing capitol letters again. yes i am that anal. it is really really bugging me and making writing not as enjoyable. i need to fix it asap.
on with the post;
let me start by saying that i thought about starting an anonymous blog for about thislong today. i dont really know why... i just felt like maybe i could be more honest that way without fearing that people would worry about me... or even worse, judge me. lets be honest here, we all think about that. i know i have judged people before without even thinking twice. i dont know why i do it, must just be human nature. i wish i didn't judge people. today when i was driving to crest with tristan in the jeep we listened to reggae music pretty loud. i had my camo pajamas and a cabelas hat on. my jeep is not little. in fact, it SCREAMS redneck. and i actually helped build it. ruined three sets of nails puttin the lift on :) anyways... driving to crest i was smiling really big, and i saw a man on his bike on the sidewalk and i smiled. i didn't notice anything at all about him but that he was a man, on a bicycle. the shocked and shy look on the mans face quickly pulled me from my happy place. i shook my head a little and realized that this man was not used to people smiling at him. how sad. then i thought of possible reasons. he had darker skin than i did, and that is saying something! but i don't care about skin color. why would anyone really care about skin color??? i can't believe people do that still! maybe he thought i was gonna kidnap him and take him out to my redneck ranch. maybe I am the scary looking one. you see... i seem to REALLY CARE about judging people, and them judging me. call me crazy. (you know i'll answer!)
ANYWAYS, i decided against the anonymous blog and am now bravely going were no lynsie has ever gone before; the gosh darn honest truth. can you handle the truth? can you handle the lowercase sentences???? ;) here goes nothin.
We went to the doc today. The long awaited ob/gyn visit to determine if I would have the partial hysterectomy at 26; the answer, yes. Wow. Now what?
I guess I’ll just go downstairs and sew. It is the only thing that helps anymore. I am able to get carried away and not listen to my aching, prematurely aging, and nearing closer and closer to a hysterectomy body and all the pain signals it is sending. Constantly. It feels like my body is at civil war with me right now.
It’s like some cruel science experiment: First postpardem depression, then horrendous nursing wounds, then countless hours of pumping, then no dairy diet, then eat nothing but rice and chicken, then fail at nursing and have major nursing guilt, then insanity from reglan withdrawals (the meds i took to try and get my milk back in), then insanity from sleep deprivation, colic, reflux, 20 extra pounds, repossession on both cars, filing bankruptcy, a three part root canal, return of the evil period… make that period from hell. Followed by no money, lots and lots of stress, no adam, another extra twenty pounds, hormone pills, no daytime activities for anyone but Tristan, everything I do scheduled around his feedings and naps, staying up too late every single night even though he is finally sleeping through the night and ending up putting him to nap a little bit earlier each day because I am so ready for my own nap. Like grown ups need naps anyways. What do I think I am?
Apparently I am a superhero, especially since I am down here in my bat cave sewing, listening to my mother in law as she searches my house for me in her sincere, but awkward, way of showing me that she cares and is worried about me. I really love her. Who wouldn’t be worried about me!!! For hells sake I have been in and out of the hospital and doctors offices nearly constantly since January, and it is JUNE for cryin out loud! Appendix out, endometriosis laproscopic surgery, constantly having a catheter, Percocet… my goodness so many percocets. And Prozac. And Demerol. And more phenagren than any human should EVER ingest. And a whole lotta Metamucil. And a colonoscopy. Ewwwww. That one was gross. At least my innerds are quote/unquote “beautiful”. So glad I don’t have to wear them in a bag on my hip for the rest of my life.
Oh well, looks like the hormones didn’t work, and the pills… well the pills are evil. Even more evil than the period. So I am sewing in my basement, I refuse to take my pain pills, and I just scheduled my hysterectomy.
Adam is so frustrated at me for not taking the pills. Good Lord, none of my friends are buried up in that damn cemetery from sewing, and I can promise you that. But the track those doctors had me on was paved in percocets straight to the cemetery. I finally understand why dad did it. Why he … uhmm uhmm… killed himself. It was the pills. They screw with your head. And the pain doesn’t help either.
I guess sewing gets to my head too. I think SO MUCH when i sew. I just let my mind wander and i finally relax. This is just how I am coping with a very very very difficult situation, not to mention day.
I am a mom, and a wife now. I love my family. At least once i get the surgery and recovery over I can smile and interact with them instead of grimace and puke and hold myself in the fetal position on the floor in the kitchen crying every night, and calling adam home from work every other shift.
I know i will have to take pain pills after the surgery for a little while but i REFUSE to plan the rest of my life around hormone shots and pain pill scripts!!! i know that people might think i am crazy for getting this surgery so young, but really... what is my quality of life right now??? were is this current path going to take me??? is that what i want with my life? is that the memories I want adam and Tristan to have of our past?
NO...
and I GET TO MAKE THE CHOICES NOW, I am a big girl and I am in charge of my life, NOT ENDOMETRIOSIS, NOT DEPRESSION, NOT PILLS, NOT DOCTORS....
just me.
~will i ever write like this again? I'm not sure. it felt good. i don't know if it will be received in the 'tone' i have imagined for it. like most of my text messages and cards and letters, it will probably be misunderstood or taken not quite as i planned. but i don't care. it reads just right to me, and i don't have time to write an anonymous blog and keep writing this blog. i NEED my blog!!! It soothes my soul!
I am no longer going to be a stranger in my own blog world. i am now proclaiming this blog as my personal journal and inviting you to read it, or choose not to. be offended, or feel accepted and understood. you choose. i'm just coping. best way i know how ;) and a hell of a lot healthier than the ways i used to cope!
Imagine… a full access pass into the mind of lynsie webb. I would read about pretty much anyone if I knew they were gonna tell me the entire, unedited truth. do you dare?
love,
lynsie
on with the post;
let me start by saying that i thought about starting an anonymous blog for about thislong today. i dont really know why... i just felt like maybe i could be more honest that way without fearing that people would worry about me... or even worse, judge me. lets be honest here, we all think about that. i know i have judged people before without even thinking twice. i dont know why i do it, must just be human nature. i wish i didn't judge people. today when i was driving to crest with tristan in the jeep we listened to reggae music pretty loud. i had my camo pajamas and a cabelas hat on. my jeep is not little. in fact, it SCREAMS redneck. and i actually helped build it. ruined three sets of nails puttin the lift on :) anyways... driving to crest i was smiling really big, and i saw a man on his bike on the sidewalk and i smiled. i didn't notice anything at all about him but that he was a man, on a bicycle. the shocked and shy look on the mans face quickly pulled me from my happy place. i shook my head a little and realized that this man was not used to people smiling at him. how sad. then i thought of possible reasons. he had darker skin than i did, and that is saying something! but i don't care about skin color. why would anyone really care about skin color??? i can't believe people do that still! maybe he thought i was gonna kidnap him and take him out to my redneck ranch. maybe I am the scary looking one. you see... i seem to REALLY CARE about judging people, and them judging me. call me crazy. (you know i'll answer!)
ANYWAYS, i decided against the anonymous blog and am now bravely going were no lynsie has ever gone before; the gosh darn honest truth. can you handle the truth? can you handle the lowercase sentences???? ;) here goes nothin.
We went to the doc today. The long awaited ob/gyn visit to determine if I would have the partial hysterectomy at 26; the answer, yes. Wow. Now what?
I guess I’ll just go downstairs and sew. It is the only thing that helps anymore. I am able to get carried away and not listen to my aching, prematurely aging, and nearing closer and closer to a hysterectomy body and all the pain signals it is sending. Constantly. It feels like my body is at civil war with me right now.
It’s like some cruel science experiment: First postpardem depression, then horrendous nursing wounds, then countless hours of pumping, then no dairy diet, then eat nothing but rice and chicken, then fail at nursing and have major nursing guilt, then insanity from reglan withdrawals (the meds i took to try and get my milk back in), then insanity from sleep deprivation, colic, reflux, 20 extra pounds, repossession on both cars, filing bankruptcy, a three part root canal, return of the evil period… make that period from hell. Followed by no money, lots and lots of stress, no adam, another extra twenty pounds, hormone pills, no daytime activities for anyone but Tristan, everything I do scheduled around his feedings and naps, staying up too late every single night even though he is finally sleeping through the night and ending up putting him to nap a little bit earlier each day because I am so ready for my own nap. Like grown ups need naps anyways. What do I think I am?
Apparently I am a superhero, especially since I am down here in my bat cave sewing, listening to my mother in law as she searches my house for me in her sincere, but awkward, way of showing me that she cares and is worried about me. I really love her. Who wouldn’t be worried about me!!! For hells sake I have been in and out of the hospital and doctors offices nearly constantly since January, and it is JUNE for cryin out loud! Appendix out, endometriosis laproscopic surgery, constantly having a catheter, Percocet… my goodness so many percocets. And Prozac. And Demerol. And more phenagren than any human should EVER ingest. And a whole lotta Metamucil. And a colonoscopy. Ewwwww. That one was gross. At least my innerds are quote/unquote “beautiful”. So glad I don’t have to wear them in a bag on my hip for the rest of my life.
Oh well, looks like the hormones didn’t work, and the pills… well the pills are evil. Even more evil than the period. So I am sewing in my basement, I refuse to take my pain pills, and I just scheduled my hysterectomy.
Adam is so frustrated at me for not taking the pills. Good Lord, none of my friends are buried up in that damn cemetery from sewing, and I can promise you that. But the track those doctors had me on was paved in percocets straight to the cemetery. I finally understand why dad did it. Why he … uhmm uhmm… killed himself. It was the pills. They screw with your head. And the pain doesn’t help either.
I guess sewing gets to my head too. I think SO MUCH when i sew. I just let my mind wander and i finally relax. This is just how I am coping with a very very very difficult situation, not to mention day.
I am a mom, and a wife now. I love my family. At least once i get the surgery and recovery over I can smile and interact with them instead of grimace and puke and hold myself in the fetal position on the floor in the kitchen crying every night, and calling adam home from work every other shift.
I know i will have to take pain pills after the surgery for a little while but i REFUSE to plan the rest of my life around hormone shots and pain pill scripts!!! i know that people might think i am crazy for getting this surgery so young, but really... what is my quality of life right now??? were is this current path going to take me??? is that what i want with my life? is that the memories I want adam and Tristan to have of our past?
NO...
and I GET TO MAKE THE CHOICES NOW, I am a big girl and I am in charge of my life, NOT ENDOMETRIOSIS, NOT DEPRESSION, NOT PILLS, NOT DOCTORS....
just me.
~will i ever write like this again? I'm not sure. it felt good. i don't know if it will be received in the 'tone' i have imagined for it. like most of my text messages and cards and letters, it will probably be misunderstood or taken not quite as i planned. but i don't care. it reads just right to me, and i don't have time to write an anonymous blog and keep writing this blog. i NEED my blog!!! It soothes my soul!
I am no longer going to be a stranger in my own blog world. i am now proclaiming this blog as my personal journal and inviting you to read it, or choose not to. be offended, or feel accepted and understood. you choose. i'm just coping. best way i know how ;) and a hell of a lot healthier than the ways i used to cope!
Imagine… a full access pass into the mind of lynsie webb. I would read about pretty much anyone if I knew they were gonna tell me the entire, unedited truth. do you dare?
love,
lynsie
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
