The List

( I just couldn't resist re-posting this older pic of tristan in the tub with me.)

Today I started to make a list in my head. It wasn't a good list. It wasn't a productive list. It was more like a "throw myself a pity party" list. I decided after a good long soak in the tub that I would make a different list. Instead of listing all the bad/hard/horrible/unfair/painful things I have experienced I have decided to make a list of all the wonderful/amazing/miracle/beautiful/funny/simple/perfect/easy to miss things.
Things I have experienced. The only problem with the good list vs the bad list is that it would be a lot easier to list all of the bad things, where with the good list it would be impossible for me to list them all. There have been so many good things. I recommend this to all of you. You don't have to post it or anything, but sometimes writing down the good things can really help. Keep the list somewhere, read it when you need it.


1. I am alive, on earth, and have faith and a testimony of the Gospel.


2. I have Adam, forever (this has SO many additional good things that I can not possibly list them all)


3. I have Tristan, forever (same as above)


4. I have people who love me, care about me, pray for me, fast for me and forgive me.


5. I have animals that adore me and are very well trained.


6. I have really straight teeth (post braces)


7. I have witnessed true miracles, seen things that few people have seen, and have a close relationship with Heavenly Father.


8. I survived west nile virus once


9. I overcame my fear of water, with LOTS of help.


10. I broke my nose during the swim portion of a half ironman and still finished the race.


11. My family in law is amazing.


12. I am smarter and more experienced because of the trials I have been through.


13. I can laugh.


14. I have a home and food and clothing and shelter and medicine and a jetted tub.


15. I escaped the world of drugs and alcohol before I became an addict, thanks mainly to the missionaries.


16. My brothers and Sister are all still alive. (Most of the miracles I have seen relate to this)


17. I have endometriosis and yet I was able to have a child.


18. My worst bad dream I have had in years was that everyone went deer hunting without me. When I told that to my husband he hugged and kissed me and promised he would never leave me.


19. I have diligently paid my tithing since my return to church and have witnessed MIRACLES because of it.


20. My husband LOVES his job and is home a lot.


21. My sister and my sister-in-law are my best friends (besides Adam) and I cherish every moment I have ever spent with them.


22. I love to read, and write.


23. There is so much.... I can't possibly sum it up. Maybe another Joe vs the Volcano reference will do: there Joe is, stuck in the middle of the ocean on his makeshift raft for weeks after the sailboat capsized. He is dehydrated, he is starving, he is going crazy, he feels lost and alone. And then suddenly he looks up at the moon. It is huge. He staggers to stand and throws his arms up in the air and musters out a few words, "It's so big, I never knew. Thank you. Thank you."


I think I will write the rest in my journal, they are very special to me.

Writing this list, while it is a bit silly and very obvious, actually helped me out today. Some of you are amazing and have it all put together and never need to have personal pow wows with yourself to overcome a hard day, or year, whatever. But my guess is that some of you are being a little too hard on yourself, like I tend to do, and I really think it helps to think about the good things.

Lynsie

My NEMESIS

It's true, I have a nemesis. He/she is named Frito and is a black and white collie mix. Frito lives next door, but really Frito lives at my back fence line running back and forth, barking, digging holes and scratching my fence. Sometimes I wonder what this little dog has in mind once it actually makes it into my back yard where my two german shepherds wait hungrily, one of them schutzhund level III trained. This dog entered my life when I was pregnant, and therefore had narcolepsy and NEEDED constant naps. It would run the back fence and get every dog in the neighborhood barking and my tired pregnant hormonal body would call animal control at least 4 times a week. They finally gave me the animal control guys cell phone number. Apparently, Frito is animal control Officer Skinners' nemesis as well. He says he has spent the last 4 years trying to catch Frito. After Tristan was born we all know that he cried 38 hours a day and whenever he actually fell asleep I would fall asleep immediately, on the stairs or in the hallway or sometimes if I was lucky I would make to my bed or a couch. Right about then, Frito would come over and make a visit. My baby would wake up screaming from the dogs barking. We bought shock collars for our dogs, I went to Fritos owners house crying and begging them to keep it on a leash, explaining my situation. But, lo and behold, every day the dog would come again. My nemesis. I have been to court, sworn before a judge, and gave a testimony about this dog. The dogs owner has been issued a total of almost $1,500.00 in fines (not just from me) and yet, today, right now, the damn dog is running my back fence and every dog in the neighborhood is barking. I begged Adam to go outside and take a picture, but somehow since there is a tornado today (what's that all about anyways) he declined. What, oh what, shall I do with my nemesis? I am a true animal lover, but I must admit that I have tried to shoot this dog with my red rider bb gun. PLEASE, don't judge me. My brothers used to shoot me with their red riders all the time, it only hurts a little, mostly it just scares you. Anyways, it's funny, you are allowed to laugh at this post, I am laughing. Two days ago the neighbors put a for sale sign up. Maybe we could all pray that they sell their house quick? Is that bad? I think the icing on the cake of this story is that Saturday it was sunny and beautiful outside. I wanted to take Tristan and the dogs on a walk. (Which is a miracle since I have lived inside in my brown robe since January curled in a ball of pain crying.) I got dressed (BIG DEAL), loaded up Tristan in the jogger, let the dogs into the front yard, put their pokey metal choke chain collars on and was cleaning the lenses of my sunglasses while cringing like gollum from LOTR because it had been so long since I had seen the sun, and about to dig their leashes out of the back of the jogger when Butchy ran across the street about 100 yards in front of an oncoming vehicle. The white minivan pulled over, the windows rolled down, and a FIRE BREATHING DRAGON yelled to me, "DON'T YOU KNOW IT IS ILLEGAL TO HAVE YOUR DOGS OFF THE LEASH!!!" Butch is the most friendly dog on the planet and he galloped to her open window and jumped up and licked her face. I am sure she pooped her pants in fear. He left a scratch on her car. I laughed for about an hour. I am still laughing.

The Plan

So, I am now officially on the "no plan" plan. I like the "no plan" plan, and I refuse to admit that it is actually a plan. Kinda like when I let my hair grow into dreadlocks and wore the same stinky dirty halter top patchwork dress and let my armpits and leg hair grow out for four years while I found magical ways to get $50.00 every single day for, well, lets just say if you know what costs $50 a day then you get my point. I did ALL of this while INSISTING I had no plan, when in actuality I was on the "no plan" plan. Do you get what I am saying here? My NEW "no plan" plan involves a lot more shaving and showering and wearing clean clothes. I am just going to wait and see what my next two cycles feel like before I decide to take any hormones or have any more surgeries or get pregnant again. I talked to my doc about it and he was really awesome and supportive. I still feel like I got ran over by a semi truck, but I am laughing a lot more now than a few days ago, that's gotta be good right? I do feel slightly guilty because I cried and asked Adam to call in sick for his two day shift in salt lake tomorrow. I just don't feel ready yet. Maybe I am being a baby. I just really want his help until I heal a little more. I can barely stand up or sit down without cringing and sometimes even crying. He is amazing. Did I mention yet that today he made me a cupcake size angel food cake with strawberry filling, fresh strawberries and a bunch of whipped topping, ALL BY HIMSELF WITHOUT ME EVEN ASKING FOR IT. These are good things ladies, but they also make me worry that he might be worried about me. I need to just quit worrying, really it is wasting my time. The doc asked me yesterday if I have been getting out much, and Adam answered for me, "NO, NEVER". The doc recommended some sunshine, which I interpreted into me going tanning today. While in the tanning booth I must admit I cried. This sounds funny, but bear with me... the song from the movie Ghost was playing, since I could only get KOZY 106.5 to play on the radio in there. The movie Ghost was one of my moms favs when we where little, but she would cry, a lot, and I never understood why. I think I was 7 when I realized that my dad died when I was little, and that that didn't happen to everyone else too. So, I know this is corny but I have been watching American Idol and I LOVE Danny Gokey (the guy that was recently widowed) and there I was sitting in the tanning bed crying over the song from the movie Ghost because I am finally old enough to understand why my mom cried when we watched it when we were little AND I have finally gone through enough in my life that I don't hate my dad for what he did. I understand. It wasn't right, but I understand how a person could be driven to that point and I thank the Lord every single day that I have the gift of the holy ghost to comfort me. Wow, I really got carried away there, what I was trying to say was I think Danny Gokey should sing the song from Ghost. And there you have it folks, the "almost so personal that you are embarrassed for me but also so personal that you feel like you can relate to me" post of the day. Man, I think I like this blogging stuff.

Hi, it's me, nice happy Lynsie...

It's me again. I'm not mad, or mean, or sad or any other negative descriptive word for that matter. Unlike my last post. I am actually quite happy since Adam let me fall asleep on the couch with my heating pad at 7:30 and did all of Tristans night time routine and put him to bed and then came down and told me to go upstairs to bed. I know, he is amazing, and yes I am keeping him!

Today was hard, I feel like I got ran over by a semi truck, and I stopped taking the good pills so now I really really feel all the pain.

Tomorrow I go to the doc to figure out what plan we will go with as far as treatment for endometriosis. I really don't want to do Lupron (the one that is like fake menopause) and I really don't want to do continuous birth control with no placebo pills (that one is like fake pregnancy). I kinda just want to do nothing and see what happens . Maybe things will be better now that I had the surgery.

I talked to Adam about the third option that the doctors and a few of my friends who have endo have recommended; getting pregnant again. This is truly the only "cure" for endo besides a full hysterectomy. When you have endo it is really hard to get pregnant. Right after the surgery is the most fertile time and most women have relief from their endo for several years after each pregnancy. Obviously I am not most women, and ALL of the docs have commented on how odd it is that my endo would flare up so soon after being pregnant. I think I could MAYBE get pregnant again in the fall. MAYBE. I kinda only want one child because I am afraid I won't be able to handle two, since I barely handle the one I have. Adam feels the same way times infinity. I don't really want Tristan to be an only child, but he has lots of cousins that live really close. Am I dreaming? Would it really be easier to have two kids so they can entertain eachother?

I am scared of taking Lupron because I don't want to feel like I am going through a midlife crisis at 25 and get hot flashes and all those other fun menopausal symptoms. I am scared of getting on birth control because I am a fire breathing dragon when I am on it. I am so serious, I wish I had a picture... I don't really want to get pregnant right now because my "nursing wound" is STILL NOT HEALED, and I am still taking crazy people medication for my lovely friend "post pardem depression". My poor husband. He probably just wants his wife back. I want her back too.

Did any of you ever feel the same again after your first child? Is this just a standard phase that ALL women go through or am I somehow alone on this road? I am going to ask Adam to give me a Priesthood Blessing before the doctors appointment and just HOPE and PRAY for the right answer and for a confirmation that we will make the right choice. I always think about a certain conference talk by Elder Neal A. Maxwell. The entire thing really gets me, but part of it that I wanted to share with those of you who don't click over and read the whole thing is this;

"Therefore, true enduring represents not merely the passage of time, but the passage of the soul—and not merely from A to B, but sometimes all the way from A to Z. To endure in faith and doeth God’s will. (See D&C 63:20; D&C 101:35) therefore involves much more than putting up with a circumstance. Rather than shoulder-shrugging, true enduring is soul-trembling. Jesus bled not at a few, but “at every pore.” (D&C 19:18.)"

I have so much to be grateful for, and I am truly working on not just enduring my trials, but "enduring them well". Right this very second I am eating a mint chocolate chip milkshake. I think I am pretty blessed. I think my life is pretty dang good. I know I still have a few tough decisions ahead of me and who knows what else I have in store for me in this life experience, but I am going to choose to be happy and positive about life. Sometimes you might have to remind me I said I was gonna do that though :)
Lynsie

nothin

I don't have anything that I feel like posting today. I hurt, I am coming off a two month long daily partaking of percocet for pain because they had to delay my surgery for so long. Every single bone in my body hurts, I feel nauseous and hot and cold. I still have pain in my pelvic area, and especially at my incision sites. Adam got home from work today, THANK THE LORD. The last two days where SO HARD. I cried in the bathroom a lot while my mother in law played with Tristan downstairs. I still have to catheter myself every time I pee. I bet you could have gone all day without thinking about that, sorry. I am just tired and I hurt and I don't want to go through withdrawals from a medicine that the lazy doc prescribed me just so he could go on vacation and postpone my surgery for a month. Now today I call the Dr office and ask, "how long am I supposed to be in pain from these surgerys?" The nurse answers, "up to 6 months". I ask, "can you prescribe me something for the pain?" She immediately treats me like I am a drug addict and tells me how addictive percocet is. First of all, I didn't ask for percocet, second of all I wouldn't be in this position if their doctor wouldn't have given me percocets since January and scheduled my surgery for march 17th, and last of all OF COURSE I KNOW THEY ARE ADDICTIVE..... I have been to so many damn funerals, including my own fathers, from deaths related to addiction. I don't want another bottle of percocet so I can get high. I want a pain reliever so I can hold my 7 month old, do the laundry, stand up and sit down without crying and have relief from the pain of having my appendix out, endometriosis burned off the inside of my body, a D&C and fibroid removal. Last time I checked those where legitimate things to hurt from. I am so damn sick of being treated like a drug addict. Maybe 5 years ago when 17 of my classmates died from overdose from heroin or oxycontin nurses and doctors should have been a little more careful who and what they where prescribing but COME ON, I just had major surgery. I just want pain relief. I am sick of being treated like a drug seeker. See, it would have been better if I would have posted nothing at all today. Sorry for the doom and gloom attitude. I promise I will be happy today. I promise.

so many classic picture opportunities.... so sad I didn't have the camera.

Ok folks, I've asked you to use your imaginations before and now I must call upon you again to use those beautiful imaginations one more time:

1. Me walking around Harmons last night in scrunched up to my knees sweat pants, with a lovely catheter hanging at my side, mumbling to Adam and Tristan like " wow, that is an amazing product, we better get it" about things like mini automatic wisks and neo-to-go, etc-.

2. The millions of times I have forgotten that I have a catheter in and have it hooked to a non moving object as I get up and move really fast only to be reminded, in the most painful and humiliating ways, that I still must carry my urine around on my leg.

3. The dinner of redvines, mini snickers, swedish fish and peanut butter m-n-m's tossed together in one of the largest bowls we have in our house, that I ate while watching a TLC show about women who didn't know they where pregnant until they had the baby. Man, Adam said I was really upset about the show, and he had to turn it off and pry my candy away from me like I was a kid.

4. Tristan can crawl EVERYWHERE now. He even goes up stairs. He pulls himself into standing positions whenever possible, especially when he sees mommies special bag with the yellow stuff in it.

5. Tristan found a red peanut butter m-n-m this morning on the floor and we didn't notice until it was too late. New thing I learned from this: if they are being too quiet, they are doing something you don't want them to be doing. But, he looked SO DAMN CUTE covered in all the red from the candy. Ahhhhhhhh I love that boy!

6. Sam, our cat, has decided that he will now be an outside cat. Adam is allowing it. I will NOT let my cat (Frodo) go outside un-attended. When Sam gets done with whatever he was doing outside he honestly scratches on the front door, asking to be let back in.

7. Apparently, I woke in the night and went around the house looking for Sam, Adam was following me around, absolutely worried that I had gone nuts. I found Sam curled up on a blanket near the front door. I then told Adam to go to bed and I would take care of Sam for him. Then I stayed up until 3:45 AM holding the cat. That has got to be one of the weirdest things I have ever done!

Okay, now that you have imagined so many lovely pictures that coulda, woulda, shoulda I will give you an update on how we are all doing, post surgery:

I found out yesterday that the GYN did not do anything inside me that would prevent me from having another child, but that chances are we will not be able to due to anatomical things. I have to go to the Urologist tomorrow and remove my catheter. (I'm kinda sad about that, I absolutely love peeing wherever and whenever I please.) He will see if he can fix my bladder/urethra issues. I still have a lot of things to do post surgery to prevent the Endo from coming back. The doc said there were some parts that he just could not remove. Lupron is our best bet, then be on the pill continuously, no sugar pills. (that means NO periods) If those things don't work for me, then I will have a total hysterectomy.

Believe it or not, I am pretty happy today. I got to feed Tristan, carry him on my shoulders, sleep in, my cars A/C is getting fixed for free and I have an excuse to wear hideous and comfortable clothes for a few more days. I honestly feel better than before the surgery, besides the swelling and the incision sites. Happy Happy Joy Joy
xoxo
Lynsie

Out of surgery and HOME SWEET HOME!

Tristan likes to blog too

How freakin cute is his little tushy?

I gave him a red licorice and let him go wild. It was fun!

This is me after the surgery

This is me before the surgery ( and yes, I did cut and color my hair, and it is really cute when I am not at the hospital, I promise!

I had an appendectomy done laproscopically, I had a D&C and fibroid removal done laproscopically. Surgery was like 6 hours. When I woke up I was in intense pain because I could not urinate. It took 8 nurses and a Dr to get me a catheter. They say that in addition to the significant endo that they found they discovered an anatomical defect of my urethra (please feel free to insert a king of the hill comment here.) So I was sent home with a folley cath and have an apt with the OB/GYN at 11:40 tomorrow. I will then be referred to a urologist. YAY, CAN'T WAIT. One thing that is confusing to me is the paperwork they sent me home with. It says he ended up doing an ablation inside of my uterus. This would mean that I can never have another child. I am okay with that, but that is not what we talked about so I am looking forward to figuring that out. My throat hurts like crazy from being intubated.

My family and ward have already brought hugs, yummy food, love, help, and one very special song that I would like to share with you now: The artist is Rachelle Call and the song is "Something Wonderful"

Something wonderful is waiting
To embrace you, I know
When you're tired and feel like fading
And there's nowhere left to go
When tears are falling down
And your heart is on the floor
Keep on walking my friend
Cause something wonderful
Is right outside your door

Something wonderful awaits you
To take you where dreams have never gone
And though you're still in this moment
Holding on...just holding on
And no one knows what you've been through
Or gone a mile in your shoes
Keep on walking my friend
Cause something wonderful is waiting for you

When the walls come down around you
And you want to throw the fight
And the mighty wind surrounds you
On an unforgiving night
Keep looking up to heaven
And you will see the light
And all the reasons why
Something wonderful is waiting to embrace you
And although your heart is on the floor
Keep on walking my friend
Cause something wonderful is right outside your door
Something wonderful is right outside your door

xoxo,

Lynsie

what's the buzz, tell me whats a-happening

Strange, but true, one of my fav movies is J.C. Superstar. I find the title of the movie difficult to say out loud, let alone write in my blog. (I guess it feels sacrilegious or something.) But, none-the-less, I love that movie, play, soundtrack, etc-. One of the main songs repeats over and over "what's the buzz, tell me whats a-happening". So, this song is stuck in my head and I know I need to update my blog and I actually have a few moments while Tristan is napping and Adam is playing Call of Duty 4 online. First of all, THANK YOU for all of you care and concern and prayers. We really do appreciate them and need and love each one of you. I found out yesterday that my surgery will be on Tuesday morning at 5:30 AM. First surgery of the day, that's gotta be good, right? And I will be having my appendix removed, all of the endometrial tissues that are in the wrong places cut off and cauterized, my right ovary separated from my bladder (the endo scar tissue has made it stick together like glue. I will also have a myoectomy, which is just a fancy way of saying he will cut out the fibroid in my uterus. Then I get a lovely D&C, if you don't know what that is just be grateful you don't have to. I will wake up and be in pain, but everything is planned to be done laproscopically so I shouldn't have any big scars. After the surgery we will discuss how bad the endo was, and the likelihood of a reoccurring surgery, etc- as well as have the fibroid sent in to confirm it is not cancerous. If things look pretty "normal" as far as Endo goes then I just have to start taking Lupron injections and a progesterone pill. If I don't react well to those then we have a few options (I've tried every birth control on the planet and I honestly turn into the wicked witch of the west on them, seriously I feel like it should be illegal to have me on them. You might think I am joking, but I honestly threw a rotting apple that I found on the floor in my car out the window and at the windshield of a lady that cut me off on state street last time I was on the pill. HONESTLY.) Anyways, if I don't react well to the hormones then we will try to get pregnant again. Pregnancy is actually one of the best treatments for Endo, it is just really hard to get pregnant when you have it. If we successfully have another baby, then I will have a full hysterectomy afterwards. That's the plan. I feel like I can live with that plan.
Now, back to J.C. Superstar: when Adam and I were first dating I brought him to my friend George's house to watch a movie. George had dreadlocks down to his butt, he and his friends sat around rolling cigarettes and drinking 40's and singing along to every single song in the movie. Adam was astounded, to say the least. I had a lot of fun. When we left that night Adam asked me if I would be hurt terribly if he asked me never to hang out with them again. I agreed, but they did come to our wedding reception! Secondly, have you ever seen Along Came Polly? Right now I am so moody and emotional and in pain and taking narcotics and just very very dramatic. The other night Adam asked me if I would please quit trying to play Jesus and Judas (in other words, stop being the star of the show). I died laughing. Maybe even sharted a little. (Just kidding, that is so gross but if you have seen along came polly then please please tell me you laughed and you got that joke)
XOXO
Lynsie

waiting is, well, really hard for me

I have to wait until monday now to find out when my surgery will be. I am getting more nervous and upset with each waiting moment. At least Adam is home today. I am really sick of pain medicine. I miss the clarity and raw, unclouded thoughts of sobriety. I am really really sick of waiting. Hmmmm, maybe this is one of those millions of times that God has tried to teach me patience. Maybe if I actually learn it right this time he will leave me alone, at least leave the patience lessons alone. HA, who am I kidding, right? I am going to have a good day. I AM GOING TO HAVE A GOOD DAY. I AM GOING TO HAVE A GOOD DAY! There, now I will go have a good day. You should too. :)

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

(Just FYI, this is a total journal entry, don't feel obligated to read it if it bores you.)

Yesterday I had a visit with Dr Holmes. My first visit back to him since I abruptly left his care during my pregnancy. I had planned a beautiful hypno-birthing and I felt like he was not being as supportive as the pages in my instruction manual said my doula or midwife or, heaven forbid, doctor should be to a prospective hypno mom. Anyways, with delusions of grandeur I went out and found a doctor that was willing to humor me about my birth plan. Of course, I ended up with lesser care, an office staff full of useless teenage girls with attitude problems and a really really nice and competent doctor, but not Dr Holmes. We all know I had 38 hours of labor, 9 natural and then I had to get pictocen and begged for an epidural. Tristans little heart rate kept on dropping, he was also face forward. When I finally delivered him I ended up looking like something from the side of the highway. My doctor fixed me up nicely and unfortunately I kept seeing her for Tristan and had the worst nursing advice a brand new mother could ever get every time I would call. (which was admittedly a few times each day for the first two weeks or so.) Anyways, once I finally got Tristan to a pediatrician, we got him diagnosed with GERD and our life became livable again. I thought about Dr Holmes a lot. I wondered how things would have gone if I would have just stayed with him. I know, hindsight is 20/20. I felt embarrassed that I had such high expectations of what being a mom, and delivering a baby would be like. Wow, was I wrong. After the shock wore off and the dust settled I finally started to feel like I could accept everything that had happened and move on. Then I got sick. Not so much "cough due to cold" sick, more like "I feel like I am in labor again" sick. My pelvic area started really hurting. After my "aunt flo" returned from the wonderful vacation of pregnancy and breastfeeding I knew something was wrong. I also knew that meant I would need Dr Holmes again. (He was my Dr for 12 years before I had Tristan, and he has helped with all my weird girl stuff problems.) But, I was scared to call him. Stupid, I know. So I went to a slew of Drs that had no idea. Really long story short..... yesterday I was giving my Dr Holmes a huge hug and bawling on his shoulder while I begged forgiveness for leaving and he laughed and smiled and said he knew I would be back and he was just happy that I was okay and that nothing can replace experience and some people like to learn the hard way (ME). I am so happy to be back with the Dr that knows and understands me and my silly neurotic ways. We don't know for sure if I will need a hysterectomy, but it is definitely one of our best options if the endometriosis is bad. I can't believe I am 25 and facing these decisions. I am scared, but at the same time I feel happy, even brave. I have support, and understanding, and best of all I have Tristan. Most women with endo don't ever get pregnant. So, anyways, I have been thinking about this a lot lately.

Tristan Can Crawl!!!

Wow, look how cool Tristan looks! He must know how to crawl now or something!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you Tristans Crawling Debut!

(Yes, of course he is crawling to the most dangerous object in our house.)