because really... all you need is love!

feels like spring

2011-03-26T08:53:00.003-06:00

Phew... glad to have some more distance from all of that compounded stress.Dont get me wrong, life is still pretty stressful around here, but we are dealing much better :)

We sleep more, my energy levels get better and my ability to cope with pain and stress also gets better with each passing day. I had the hyster in june2010. I've been in pain ever since, in more ways than one. I am feeling happy, with a spring in my step right now, but mainly because I limp from all of my pelvis/lumbar/sacrum issues ;o) but STILL, I feel springy and ready to start clean this year again. Its a wonderful feeling after such a tornado of a two years!!! My little miracle is 2 1/2 and 35 lbs. He talks in full sentences now and loves his dad and copies his every move. Our Tristan fits right in. Its more like having a friend around the house now than it was when he was a baby. I must admit its kinda heartbreaking to no longer call him a baby. But he is the biggest boy now, in such an intelligent and socially aware kinda way. He is awesome... soooo much smarter and healthier and stronger than his daddy or I ever could have expected. I feel so blessed, complete and full. I got the kid I always wanted with the man who always wanted us and we truly appreciate every moment. Its so different when its your only child, so different for us; he is our miracle... we don't get mad as easily and the temptation to be a lazy parent is just not present at all. Its different because we have this engraved appreciation in our hearts and on our wrinkled and pre-aged faces... grief has taught us patience which has taught us love which is now showing us about charity and we have felt the warmth of so much compassion. So many wonderful things have come from enduring a few challenges. It just feels like spring :)
love,
lynsie
(p.s. Dead batteries, anxiety, stress, time constraints, not wanting to complain too much, etc- These are the reasons I have not been posting. I had to avoid the blog for a while... it has too much emotional pull for me, sometimes. Life has a way of doing things in cycles. Feels like a new cycle for me, we shall see...)

Moms surgery day/ my b day

2010-04-07T12:36:00.002-06:00

Today my mom had a total hysterectomy with ovaries removed as well. she is pretty young, and it is a pretty intense surgery, but it will save her life. She has had severe endometriosis for nearly her entire life. I am so happy that my experiences and influence could make a positive impact in her life.

There are so many alternatives to surgery, and yet sometimes surgery is the best choice. It can be scary, and there are no sure answers, but you can't just hope that it will go away. I hope that anyone who is suffering from this, or other chronic pain conditions, has the bravery they need to face the challenges and fears and fight back for their health and well being! It's just not worth waiting to go to the doctor... be brave and be healthy! I am proud of my mom :)

love,
lynsie

2010-02-28T11:56:00.004-07:00

I woke up this morning at five, with a big happy smile. I made breakfast, packed Adam a lunch, kissed him goodbye for his shift, did yoga, and finished a craft project. Now I have about thirty minutes until Tristan wakes up. It's a good life!

On a more scholarly note: I applied for my pell grant and scholarships on Friday. I guess I have a 3.975 GPA so UVU is offering me some pretty great scholarships. I had no clue my GPA was that high. My college transcripts are sophmore level with nothing but A's and two A-'s. Somehow I never really noticed that I was doing so well in school. I had visited the technology dept a while ago before deciding on nursing as a degree. I got an offer from the women in technology program... If I wanna change degrees. I just cant think of a good technology career field for me?

I suppose all of you stay at home mommies are feeling the need to finish college and get a career to help ends meet, I know I am. I keep asking myself, "What classes will actually fit my life AND help me earn a degree that will give me a job that pays enough to cover the student loans, that I will inevitibley take out, and the monthly payments after I graduate?". I promise I will let you all know when I figure that one out. ;)

Maybe Ill get enough scholarship money to pay for it all :) ???

I am afraid to make to big of a commitment right now. Is that foolish of me? I went to a few different massage therapy schools on thursday last week and checked them out. I almost signed up for one of them. ALMOST... but then when it all was about to be said and done they laid the schedule out to me in detail and it just wouldnt work. I mapped it out with adams schedule, and I would need 57 school days of babysitters for Tristan. It is at bedtime too... and I just don't want to miss that many bedtimes. So I decided to wait. Massage school is something I will do, someday. I just want it to be the right timing, so I can get the most out of it. The one good thing that came out of it all was finding out how great my grades are and the grants I qualify for.

I think right now I'll just sign up for a few Internet classes and a weekend class. That will probably be my first semester back, after having baby. After all, I only get one!!!

Which reminds me of another movie I like. Here is the story:

Yesterday Tristan and I watched the movie UP.about seven times in a row. I had never seen it before, and watching a movie with a two year old is a marathon, not a sprint ;)

So, the third time through I finally saw the part where they find out they can't have any children. Then I saw the part when he realizes he can be a father figure to the little boy. I totally cried! It was touching, and charming, and close to my heart.

I looked over at Tristan and recalled what a miracle that little guy really is, and held him tight, with renewed joy and comfort in the fact that he is my son.

Love,
Lynsie

PS: Are you my facebook friend? I guess I erased a bunch of people after a virus thing? Anywhoo, I post pics of the Fam and updates there a lot more than I do here on blogger, so add me or comment and I can add you silly! =)

good boy, bood goy!

2010-02-01T12:55:00.002-07:00

lately my 18 month old has been saying two and three word sentences, but he says them forwards and then backwards. its so surprising because he says the right things in the right context. i feel like i am always looking at him with one eyebrow raised; waiting to see what's next! it sounds a lot like gibberish, but he is a little linguist.

i remember when i was 14 i went to boston with my mom and little sister. we drove out to DC and visited a family that had two little toddlers that spoke backwards. it was SO strange! the little boy was named palmer, but he called himself remlap. these kids could play chopin and beethoven better than my piano teacher. they could read and write. they had good manners. they were three and four years old!!! i was a little too young at the time to fully understand how advanced that was, but it left a lasting impression on me.

point of my story:

i think i might need a piano over here... looks like we might have a genius on our hands!

love,
lynsie

efforts at domestication

2010-01-14T14:29:00.002-07:00

despite all of my crafting talents, i have yet to really master the art of knitting.

i learned crochet when i was a very young girl. my fathers mother taught me in an attempt to keep my busy little mind and body still in her house full of collectibles and knick knacks. at least i am pretty sure thats why she had me chain the first row of crochet i ever did. it wasnt long before we both grew fond of our time to sit together and chat while we crochet side by side. i was always told that i have an old soul. i have always preferred the company of those who can carry on a conversation with me... ;) anyhow, i practiced and practiced and practiced my crochet work. i did it at school, at home, at church, in the car, in the store, you get it. i got so good that i could make a granny square with my eyes closed in under a minute! (4th grade, boo ya) yep, i rocked at cats cradle too.

but i never learned to knit.

i met an old friend the other day. she taught me how to knit within a few moments. it was kinda magical, actually. she said she comes from a family tradition of crafting and knitting. she is truly gifted at knitting. her gift extends to teaching, and i was amazed that i was knitting before i even completely understood how. some people have a true gift of teaching, and it is so neat to learn from them! i went out and got some bamboo needles and chunky yarn and i've been practicing my knitting a little every day. its AWESOME how funny a lot of my projects look the first time i try them. i am making adam some socks right now, and the difference between the shape of the first sock to the second is laughable. LOL. oh well, i think i am in a learning phase of life right now anyways. i like comparing the first "rough draft" project to the second or third one. i love evidence of my progress!

since i am not buying any clothing for 2 months, only using or refashioning fabrics that i currently own, i really have to figure this domestication stuff out! adam needs some socks right now and i asked him to let me try to make them before he goes and buys them... no pressure or anything. well, you already know how those socks are going... but you better believe i am gonna keep knitting!

i hope that somehow after this project i will be able to feel more empowered and prepared for the unexpected. i cant help but wonder what it would be like to be in haiti right now? my heart and soul go out to those people in need. how can you be prepared for a disaster like that?

love,
lynsie

"okay, okay"

2010-01-11T21:18:00.005-07:00

tristan went to daycare today for the very first time.

he is exactly 75 weeks old, or 17 months old, or 530 days old, if you wanna get technical... anyways, he is pretty old to have never been to daycare or nursery before.

so i decided i would like a gym membership with daycare, but i was not willing to do a monthly fee, i had to pay for it all upfront. i just don't like associating my workout with money, it makes it harder to enjoy gym when i have a monthly bill, i swear!

so i decided to sell my road bike. don't get me wrong, i thought a lot about selling that bike... i wondered if i would EVER get another road bike like that again? but i know how important working out is to my health, i know what it can do for my mind, body and spirit. i know it can make me a better ME! i also think that the daycare would be a great way for little tristan to get socialized and get to play with people his own size!

so i listed the bike in the classifieds;

and waited

and waited

and waited

nothing... which is kinda weird

so i decided to reduce the price of the bike, to the exact amount i bought it for. of course, that was only a hundred bucks less. i didn't expect it to sell real quick... to say the least. but about ten minutes later i got an email, and a few hours later i had sold it to a young girl and her dad. she wants to go pro with cycling someday. she is good, her dad knows about bikes, they seemed excited to have something to do together. it was perfect! and now, i had enough money for the gym! karma? i like to think so :)

so i woke up this morning excited to head over to the gym, but tristan had other plans... he slept in, till 9:40 am! this is unheard of at our house! he is a little "clock" and he always has been. he put adam and i on a schedule the minute he came into this world! needless to say, our schedule was off by a few hours today :o) we worked it out anyways.

we made it to the gym and i was whisked away from tristan and the daycare, causing major separation anxiety, to fill out papers and meet my free personal trainer/tour guide for the hour. we did an evaluation, set goals, talked about nutrition, talked about my surgeries and stuff and then did a nice workout. it was an intro workout, nothing extreme, but it made me feel motivated!

then i headed anxiously back to the daycare, tristan was crying! he was doing this really super sad cry! they said he saw a little kid leave with his mom a minute before and just started bawling! maybe he thought it was supposed to be me coming to get him? it was so tender!

i held him for a minute and he calmed down. he stopped crying and hugged me and patted me on the back while saying, "okay, okay" (like, it's okay, it's okay) it melted my heart to pieces... i love that little boy so much...

we ended the night by playing peek a boo with the shower curtain in the tubby. he laughed his biggest laugh ever and told me stories all about the little ducks on the curtain and the "bub boos" (bubbles) in the tubby. he found every circle in the tub and showed it to me, telling me about it in sign and out loud. he loves circles! he waited until every last drop of water had drained out of the tub before reaching both arms up high and saying, "all done!" after the tub i rocked with him in the chair and we said prayers, then i sang him a lullaby and got ready to tuck him in. he lifted his head off my shoulder and gave me eskimo kisses, then grabbed his soft blanky and nuzzied with it until he fell asleep in his crib.

as i walked away from his room i felt absolutely full. i felt so lucky. i felt really happy. this is what being a mother means to me.

~i was just thinking about how much i liked today, and how i wanted to remember it. that's why i wrote this down. i wonder if tristan will remember today?~

love,

lynsie

(POST EDIT: the next morning when i went in to get tristan he did eskimo kisses first thing! He totally remembered!)

(SECOND POST EDIT: ya, it's gonna be like that... im just gonna start writing again after months of absence and expect you to both forgive me for leaving so rudely and accept me back without questions.)

work through the pain

2009-12-27T21:17:00.002-07:00

please, for the love of all things hilarious, watch this video

:)

love,
lynsie

the wardrobe refashion pledge

2009-12-23T14:13:00.003-07:00

i took the pledge today!

i listed my purse website as my contact site so that any traffic i get will be directed there instead of here on my personal blog.

follow along! i only pledged for 2 months... because i will not cheat!!!! and then i am going to get tristan some spring/summer clothes and re-sign for a 6 month pledge.

just think...

no more spending money on clothes
sewing projects galore
i can finally force myself to learn tailoring skills and my clothes will fit :)
good for the earth, good for the home

think you might wanna try something like this??? afraid to dust off that sewing machine though? i am planning on having some beginners classes at my house after the holidays. please leave me a comment with your email address if you want to be included in the classes.

i better get back to my sewing... christmas is in two days!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

love,
lynsie

settled in

2009-12-14T20:50:00.010-07:00

tristan is such a big boy now! he is talking, walking and running around like crazy, playing the recorder and drum, singing, dancing, laughing, counting, doing sign language, blowing kisses, using a spoon, and sleeping all night long. its pretty much heaven for a mommy!

adam has been busy with work a lot this past month! we had almost a week straight of daddy at work, but i have this feeling that santa will be glad adam could work extra this month :) adam is in the process of getting his falconry permit from the DWR. he will be getting a falcon in January. it will most likely be a kestrel. i have missed working with wildlife for so long! it's great to live in an area where we can have birds. adam is really excited that i have announced that i want to learn telemark skiing this winter. it is a passion of his. (i am excited too!) he has ski's that attach to the base of tristans chariot so he can pull it behind him while we ski. since there is so much vacant land around us we literally walk out the front door in our boots or snowshoes.

i have been enjoying putting together the house since we moved in. it it's been so nice to be so close to family. it is so wonderful to have this home! i love it!

picture time:

second bathroom

walk in closet

master bedroom

family room

kitchen

dining area

entry way

thats all for now folks!

love,

lynsie

welcome home!

2009-11-05T20:08:00.003-07:00

first day of internet at my new house. its been a crazy, this moving business. in the end it has been SO worth it. ill let you see for yourself...

these are the before pictures, and i will post the after pics as soon as i get a few more boxes put away.

i am so happy to be here in my new home!!!

love,

lynsie

the zen of coping

2009-10-06T21:08:00.002-06:00

my little sister once asked me how i could run. she didnt get the monotony of running for 5 or 6 miles, she didnt understand what i was thinking about besides the pain and work of the act of running, she didnt understand why i enjoyed it. i told her it gave me a "runners high". She looked at me with a skeptical smile and said something about not knowing how she could relate to that. i think i ended up telling her that she would just have to experience it, it would be too hard to explain.

today i went for a drive. two drives, to be exact.

i have been under so much stress recently trying to figure out what we are doing with our house, where we are moving, how we are paying the bills and what on earth to do with my post hysterectomy, semi menopausal, painful and bleeding body. its a big list. its kinda a pity party list, i know. i also know i have a lot to be grateful for and i am definitely not complaining, just venting a little.

anyways, i went for a drive to listen to music, look at the fall colors up the canyon and just zone out. this evening i went on another drive, this time with the heater on and my favorite mix on my ipod, and i drove one of my favorite running routes in provo. after a few minutes i was there... RUNNERS HIGH! i had succesfully tricked my mind into runners high without even having to break a sweat. all of the sudden i remembered that conversation i had with my little sister about how i enjoy running. i thought to myself, "runners high is just like when you zone out on a car drive and sing along to the radio or talk to a good friend, if only i could trick my heart rate into staying at "car drive" levels while i am running!"

after a few minutes i started concentrating on how much running was different than sitting in a car, and my damn cup looked half empty again. (which is sad, i really really really want to run and got put on no exercise for a month or until i stop bleeding) right then i decided i needed to write. it would help me to remember the perspective i had gained while looking at the glass as half full. i needed those half full moments to reflect on. i needed my journal.

i need peace in my life... i need the zen of writing, the zen of running, the zen of coping...

i think i am still just coping... i know i am allowed to move on to a new stage with all of this, but somehow i am holding on to the coping stage for an extended period of time, just waiting for something to let me know that i am ready to move into the living and enjoying stage. i still imagine a future baby in my womb... my missing womb... i still feel pains from the surgery, and the choice. i am still coping.

but when i have moments of zen i realize that maybe i have moved on, maybe i am already living and enjoying. perhaps the fact that i can take those moments, no matter how fleeting they may be, and hold on to them and call on them when i need them IS the sign i am waiting for to let me know i can move on. maybe i am not missing the chance i never took, maybe i am recalling the experiences i have already had? who knows, maybe i am recalling the experiences i have in store... maybe coping is just a part of this life... maybe, just maybe, that darn glass is half full after all.

love,
lynsie

love,
lynsie

leave me alone, i'm lonely ;)

2009-09-24T16:23:00.004-06:00

sometimes i just need some alone time, and yesterday i finally got a day off. it wasn't any fancy trip to a day spa or beach or anything like that... more like a vacation to a sweatshop in asia somewhere. but, nonetheless, it was PERFECT and just what i wanted!

i got to sleep in, but i woke up anyways because i heard tristan and adam laughing downstairs and wanted to be part of the fun. then they left for the afternoon while i cleaned my house and listened to girl music. (pink, gwen, the idol divas.) it was niiiiiiice. adam and tristan brought me lunch and then adams mom watched tristan for us for a few hours while i sewed and adam cleaned the yard. then i shampooed the carpets while adam made me dinner, we put T to bed and then i got a bubble bath, which i ended early and opted for shaving in the shower for the first time in months. then i did a facial, flossed, cleaned my nails, dyed my hair, and finished the laundry. by ten thirty i was SO tired. AND THEN I SLEPT LIKE A BABY!

might sound like a chapter out of your own personal hell, but one mans trash is another mans treasure ;)

its crazy what things can effect my emotions without me even realising it... having the house cleaned and myself groomed is better than prozac and psychotherapy! (trust me)

might i suggest to ALL of you mommies that you take a "vacation" this next week?

mine only cost about $20. the key is to get everyone in your house to understand that you are really on vacation, and that could be tough unless you have the luxury of kicking everyone out of the house for a day. (maybe try wearing a Hawaiian shirt? :)

a vacation for your emotions. those silly little things can turn into a three year old after a 2 hour car ride if you don't let them out every once in a while.

love,
lynsie

bulldog for hire

2009-09-15T11:35:00.002-06:00

if you have ever done a real estate transaction with me (as your real estate agent, lender or title girl) then you might know the bulldog of whom i am referring to. its me, of course, but me on steroids or something. the bulldog is the reason i ultimately quit my real estate career. i didnt like the pit in my stomach i would get after each "confrontation" but it seemed like nothing was getting done until i had one of these heart to hearts with whoever was causing the friction. eventually the emotional toll of this career path was too much for me. even though i was making over 10 grand per month during my most successful period as a Realtor, the money could never pay for what i felt like was being taken away from me. i like to relate it to selling your soul to the devil for 10 grand a month; enticing, but ultimately NOT worth it.

why is it that a woman ultimately has to be assertive and "aggressive" in the professional world in order to be taken seriously? you'd think that after 7+ years in real estate things would be different for me. but I'm a 26 yr old female... betcha if I was a guy things would be a lot different.

i guess its good to know that the ol' bitch is still in there somewhere, and ready to fight on a moments notice. (i am, of course, referring to a female bulldog not a derogatory swear word)

ladys: don't ever back down when you know you deserve respect! dont ever let ANYONE make you feel wrong for standing up for yourself. being aggressive is a skill, and when used right it can level a really uneven playing field!

and so concludes the essence of why i havent been blogging and there are no pictures of the new house i was supposed to move into last week... but you better believe i'm not givin up! i don't believe in impossible, remember?

love,
lynsie

right side up?

2009-08-26T14:59:00.003-06:00

i believe i left you hanging... (hope your arms didn't get too tired)

saturday morning last week i got an email explaining that the buyers had backed out on our house. i was emotional and i felt really confused. it was one of those moments when i wondered what on earth was going to happen to us. all of my delicately placed walls were tumbling down around me. it's funny what you use as your cornerstone sometimes. i guess i had built this new future around a new house and had this unrealistic perspective that i couldn't really start living until that piece was in place. now i know what i SHOULD use as my cornerstone when building a future for my family (God, Love, Family, Christ...) and i didnt intentionally start building a "house upon the sand" but non-the-less i did. and the walls came tumbling down...

what would a wiseman do? i am pretty sure he wouldnt cry himself into an anxiety attack and decide that since one single thing has gone wrong now every single thing will go wrong. i bet he wouldnt hyperventilate over fears (warranted or not) that he made the wrong choice having a surgery that might leave him unbalanced and barren for the rest of his life. probably wouldnt let the fear of what life might be like, because he is one of only a handful of 26 year old women without their uterus, bring him to his knees in desperate prayer over and over again even after he has felt comforted. i must not be the wiseman...

i must be more like laman and lemuel... ;)

although i let the news shake me WAY harder than i should have, i can honestly say that i have recovered. who cares? we can stay here, we can sell, we can live off government cheese in a van down by the river as long as i choose to be happy and show love to my family. THAT is the reason i did the surgery, and THAT is the thing i have to remind myself every single day.

my husband, who is luckily a paramedic, told me later that this was one of my worst anxiety attacks ever. (i have severe panic disorder but i have been working on it with hypnosis and relaxation for about 4 years now. i used to take meds during the attacks because they can turn into seizures, but the meds have narcotics in them and when i quit the pain pills after my surgery i threw all my anti-anxiety pills away.) adam held me and coached me through it. he got me to slow down my breathing and then told me to imagine this:

imagine you are in the uinta mountains. you have on your favorite hiking boots and a backpack that is comfortably packed with anything you might need. you have a compass and a map and all the time in the world. you know you are safe. the weather is beautiful. you get to decide where you want to camp. you can hike ANYWHERE. there is NO wrong trail. no matter where you go, you will still be in the uintas, still be safe, still have your map and compass and everything you need to survive. sometimes you will feel scared for a minute and that is fine, just remember that you wanted to go hiking. look around you, see the amazing and beautiful things that God put here just for you. thank him. take time to pray. you are not lost. you are safe. you are growing and learning and traveling.

even just writing that again i started to cry.

he is my compass... i know i have said it before, but he honestly guides me back whenever i feel lost or scared. he is so sensitive and close to the Spirit. my guiding light...

i havent written because i didnt have anything to say. nothing has changed but my attitude. it seems a little embarrassing, rereading my blog posts, how often i am taught this lesson and dont seem to learn it. at least i can eventually be made to change my attitude. it could always be worse ;) its just humbling to see how often i talk about changing my attitude. wish i could incorporate that in the moment BEFORE i freak out and make a little girl outta myself.

we live and learn, right?

upside down? right side up? does it really matter as long as you know who you are, where you came from and where you are striving to return to? (now that sounds like a more stable cornerstone!) i'll build on that, and report back later.

love,
lynsie

upside down

2009-08-22T19:37:00.003-06:00

not moving
not selling our house
not sure if i am right side up or upside down;

i learned in an avalanche safety class that i should spit right now in order to determine which way is up...

dang, i just got spit on my face.

sometimes sunday doesnt come soon enough. i cant wait to sit in sacrament meeting and quietly draw closer to the Lord with my family while pondering what we are gonna do. it will at least be a change of venue... my knees are gettin sore!!!

and, with that, i leave you hanging.

love,
lynsie

oh... by the way, THANK YOU so much for your comments and compliments!!! i would love to introduce any of you to abbie and i am sure she would work within your budget to help you feel beautiful too! xoxo

wowzers!

2009-08-19T03:46:00.000-06:00

if you dare...

go to abbiewarnock.com and see my photo shoot!!!

love,
lynsie

2009-08-16T07:32:00.001-06:00

Oh what a night! So much fun, so many moments of laughter and joy. So many moments of true friendship. Even after all these years; it was like putting on my favorite dress, you know the one that makes you feel amazing and beautiful despite your flaws and imperfections. THAT is what friends are for. I am such a lucky girl! Time has not touched the friendships we shared, and that is greatest suprise I have had in a long time!
Love,
Lynsie

happy thoughts

2009-08-12T21:35:00.005-06:00

adam left about half an hour ago to drive down to southern utah for his premium limited entry archery deer hunt. he might be gone for up to a week. but i am happy for him, while i miss him terribly.

he has been applying for this hunting permit for almost 10 years! of course it comes the year that life as we knew it changed abruptly. of course it comes the year i can't go with him. but when i really think about it, of course it came this year... adam really really needed something great to look forward to. there was a lot of this past 6 months that centered around me and a hospital bed, and the 15 months before that were almost completely centered around tristan and the pregnancy. he needed to have some personal time. i can still miss him terribly though...

at least i have an exciting weekend to look forward to. i can't wait to play with my best elementary school friends this weekend!!! it should be an evening to remember, we haven't spent real time together since about 8th grade. thank goodness for facebook and blogger; i don't know if we ever would have met back up!

until friday, i guess i'll just think happy thoughts, like this one:

up south fork, up the national forest access, up the walking path, past the meadow, up the side of the creek, a soft clearing of grass next to a little pond and the creek, i am laying with my feet touching the ice cold water and my fingers digging into the dark black dirt so i can almost taste the pungent smell of it, the sun is high in the sky above me, there is nothing for me to do but relax and listen to the soft sounds of the water.

what are your happy thoughts? i would love to hear them!

(a friend on facebook asked this today)

*think happy thoughts!*

love,
lynsie

(photos taken by adam, in junes garden. we are really gonna miss junes garden when we move!)

super volcanic

2009-08-11T23:33:00.001-06:00

I have had mini melt down after mega melt down after supermassive blackhole melt down over the past few weeks. I don’t know what it is for sure, there are too many things going on for me to pinpoint it. I just feel a little sensitive right now, that’s all.

Needless to say, it has been interesting. Lots of good writing material.

(Always a bright side)

I saw Julie and Julia today. “I hate it. I don’t understand it.” You might have to see the movie before that makes sense. ;) It gave me goosebumps. More than once! It was excellent!!!

I had a Vesuvius sized meltdown today. It was like watching Tristan throw a fit over wanting to feed himself the popsicle and throwing the popsicle in the dirt. I knew it was pathetic and wasteful, but I did it anyways. I cried and cried and cried. My emotions shifted like three bazillion times in thirty minutes. I was so tired, I bet I would have sucked on my blankey and self-soothed myself to sleep. (nyam nyam nyam nyam) ;)

I am so lucky I have adam. What on earth would I do without that man. He has got to be the worlds greatest husband, hands down. He pushed his hurt feelings aside and held me tight and listened to me ramble on. (kinda like you guys) it helped so much. He has this amazing ability to pull me into focus, like gravity or something.

Anyways, after the eruption, I went to the movie by myself.

The “movies by myself” thing gives me time to think.

While I was watching my movie today I was smiling so big. It was genuine. It was great. I was laughing and enjoying the movie. At some points I thought to myself, “Hey, I could do something great with my blog.” But then I remembered that I kinda suck at follow through… (cough, cough, purses) hmmm hmmm.

In other news; I went JOGGING today! For the first time in a really long time I actually jog/ran with Tristan and the dogs for almost two miles consistently. It was awesome. I was sweating like something from a peter Jackson film, but I felt the runners high and it was oh so sweet!!! I am absolutely 100% addicted to exercise.

It has been 7 weeks today since I had my hysterectomy. I am now allowed to start gradually working back up to my old fitness routines. In case some of you don’t remember, or are fooled by my bootylicious post baby body, I was training for an ironman when I found out I was pregnant with Tristan.

We had been trying to get pregnant for so long that I kinda thought it wasn’t gonna happen that month. I had just finished the Utah half ironman and lotoja and was gearing up for a late season ironman. I was in great shape! I felt so good. I was going to school full time and getting a 3.9 gpa average while completing all of my prerequisites for nursing school . I realized quickly that I was pregnant. I was so worried when I started getting sick and had to quit my 4 in the morning triathlon coaching gig. By the time I was 6 months prego I was working out again and I worked out up to the day before I delivered Tristan! Breastfeeding was a magic solution to the weight I gained and soon after T was born I was 7 pounds away from my pre-baby weight. Then… my aunt flo decided to come back. And, well, the rest is ancient history.

The important thing is that I have learned to accept myself. Somewhere along the line I had somehow stopped doing that. Not sure why. But I am slightly convinced that it has to do with lack of exercise. Lynsie+exercise=healthy inside and out. I am sure that the whole “not believing in myself” garbage is the main ingredient in my melt-down magma. I am so excited to start exercising again!

Oh ya, did I tell you the house has an offer under review? Yup, my house. My precious house. The precious house that I cant afford anymore and don’t really need because it is too big anyways. The precious house that has sucked 43,000 dollars out of us during the last 3 years and isn’t paying us back a dime. It’s been crazy trying to figure out what we are gonna do and where we are gonna live. I am wanting so badly to get back into a routine and feel like moving is gonna postpone that even longer. I want to be sewing every day again. I miss it, and I want to make all of the purses that I have on backorder, but I have SO MUCH going on right now. Hmmm… I think I need to prioritize again. Just as long as we end up somewhere safe, together, and less expensive. That’s really all I ask. Sound like a gamble to you? Hell, I lived in the back of a vw van for a year, I can do ANYTHING!

You think I might be a bit of a bad gambler? Hmmm… maybe third times a charm. Maybe it’s just been “a good run of bad luck”?

You never know what’s waiting around the bend till you get there!

Love,
Lynsie

go crazy!

2009-08-04T12:59:00.002-06:00

The other day someone actually said to me;

“wow… so when did you go crazy then???”

Completely honestly.

It was awesome.

I said something like, “ I dunnu, probably when I was 9 or 10… that’s when it really started, but honestly it is so great to be feeling good again, ya know… feeling ALIVE and at peace.”

I was about to continue by saying, in my best “completely honest” fashion; “ How are you doing with it? It must be hard to be so unhappy and judgy all the time. Just horrible! Well, I hope you go crazy soon… I mean, “get better”. ;)

But my snarky inner monologue silenced itself (amazingly).

I just politely changed the subject to something about the primary parade at the church parking lot across the street.

Hmmm… I wonder how many of you will really get my message here and how many are going, “wonder who it was, probably so and so…” ;)

Love,
Lynsie

pics!

2009-08-01T13:34:00.005-06:00

click on this pic to go to a whole bunch of pictures of the birthday boy and our july adventures!
love,
lynsie

must have home decor

2009-07-30T22:48:00.004-06:00

we are home from bryce canyon, utah. it was an awesome trip and the birthday boy did so good for his first time sleeping in the pack and play in a hotel room! he is so much fun. we jumped on the bed and took a jetted bubble bath and then he had his bottle and went to sleep like usual. he did so good in the car, and he is talking SO much now! we took a bunch of pictures, and i will post them when i unpack and find the stinkin cord to the computer... so in like 3 days, in case you wonder how i travel. ;)

one thing i learned on this trip; always save your money to buy home decor while on vacation.

why is this so crucial? because those gas stations are amazingly stocked with only the classiest of items and you do NOT want to have to follow your husband around the store going "honey! this is so perfect, remember how you wanted one of these that one time? please can we get it?" only to have him say right back to you, "no, lynsie, we are not buying a statue of a wolf howling or a hand painted sign that says something about God and George Strait."

i am afraid my sick obsession with gas station novelty items on I-15 started a long long time ago, back when we used to take the "trail of tears" (pardon my affectionate nickname) every other weekend in our hasty moves to and from st george. i guess the gas station items made me feel connected to something, somewhere. it was like i knew i had been somewhere and had evidence. funny little concept, but you know you have felt that way as a child... maybe it was something like being told you were taken to disney land when you were little but not remembering and there being no physical evidence. see... this is why i needed the evidence.

it's funny, because this morning adam was armed and ready with the camera. he wanted to make sure that hundreds of pictures of tristan were taken on his birthday during our road trip. it was so cute. he wanted to be sure that tristan had "proof".

love,
lynsie

my baby

2009-07-29T04:16:00.004-06:00

we are heading out of town today to go down south and look for mule deer for adams archery hunt. we are bringing tristan and plan on celebrating his first birthday with him down in some obscure town near hatch, utah.

I CANT BELIEVE HE IS ONE ALREADY!!!

yesterday adam looked at me as tristan picked up his own bottle and was drinking it walking around in little boy circles and said, "whoa, he is grown up!"

man, it seems like only yesterday that he wouldn't eat and i was so so desperate to breastfeed. it is crazy to look back at this last year with perfect hindsight. it's funny, and amazing to think about how completely and totally dependant tristan was on me.

my baby is turning one...

he repeats almost anything you say, even the girly things i say like "ta-da!". he has two voices he uses; monster and mom voice. (although i think, to be fair, that monster voice is really daddy voice.) he has a new haircut! he got a real salon haircut with me on monday. it is a fauxhawke. he loves to wave at people and things. his favorite things to do are; pretend things are his baba and carry them around the house in his mouth, flip the light switches off and on, talk to Jesus (seriously, he talks to my painting of the Savior), watch the dogs wrestle, play tickle monster, pull all the toilet paper off the rolls, play the piano, visit grandpa Nick, play in the dogs water dishes (you cant prevent this one... he is magnetically drawn to them I SWEAR.), and anything involving chocolate. he hates diaper changes and new teeth breaking through and, apparently, the hair salon. he can walk, almost run now. he absolutely wont eat unless you let him feed himself now. he sticks his bottom teeth out and pushes his bottom lip out and makes this monster face when he is coming to get you with a tickle. he calls me "mom-mom, la-la" and adam "dad-dad". he uses his high pitched "mom" voice whenever he is talking to the cats. :) he has three of his own drawers in the kitchen now, full of pots and pans and old race water bottles. he totally demolishes my house a few times a day, but then he wants to help clean up. his absolute favorite thing on the planet is to pull the baby wipes out one by one in a kind of panicked frenzy while doing darth vader breathing (because he is carrying something in his mouth like a doggy at the same time, of course!)

if you have never met my baby boy, i hope you got a glimpse of all the wonderful and hilarious stuff he does. if you know my little boy, then you already know all of this... that is the most beautiful thing about Tristan, he can communicate. he likes to tell you things.

i kinda like to think he is the best little boy in the world, but then i realize that most moms feel that way, but then i also realize that most moms don't have a miracle baby, and then i re-decide that he is the best little boy in the world.

oh yeah, and i am the luckiest mommy in the entire world.

we are so blessed!

happy birthday Tristan!!!

love,

lynsie

Dear Crest (a letter to an ex)

2009-07-27T06:48:00.003-06:00

Dear Crest,

i know what you must be thinking... and i can't really blame you. it has been almost a week since i came through the drive-up and ordered a 32oz half diet coke half diet dr pepper. i have a little bottle at home. (now i sound like an alcoholic) i am trying to only use the "juice" in moderation, and i must admit that it is hard. BUT... i got 9 hours of sleep last night. so pretty much, i think i am never drinking diet soda again. if i'm gonna have a pop it's gonna be unleaded and full of calories. hopefully that helps me slow down a really really old bad habit of mine. anyways, when's the last time i had a REAL coke? hmmmm, maybe i need to come visit you soon crest. yes, i have missed you too. i love your drive up. okay, gotta go.

love,
lynsie

i'm worried this might be catching...

2009-07-25T02:20:00.004-06:00

its 2 again... yup, in the morning. :) cant sleep. i have to admit that i thought long and hard about taking a narcotic pain pill to just help me sleep. i justified it every way i could to myself. the whole "feel better tomorrow after some good sleep" routine. but we all know you feel like crap the morning after any type of sleeping aid. so i guess less caffeine and more water tomorrow? i am working toward very little soda consumption. i guess i just want to feel better now that i feel better, if that makes any sense at all.

people are always politely asking me how i am doing since my surgery; my body and my health. i am typically casual and polite with them. sometimes i am in a talkative mood and i will entertain myself (and them usually) by bantering on and on about anything and everything. i figured some people might really want to know, in case they had been considering a similar surgery or something like that.

here is my synopsis:

be ready to feel like you just got hit by three semi trucks in a row for about 4 days after the surgery. you will need pain meds for 1-2 weeks MAX, less is even better. walk everyday after the surgery. if you are getting the surgery because you have pain or a disease, then get ready to feel the most amazing thing in your life: NO CRAMPS!!!!! you would not believe the difference. i honestly feel like a happier and calmer person now. my anxiety is getting better, as i get more relaxed and able to go out and do things. i can lift things and do moderate exercise now. i "sweat it out" for at least one hour every day. (part of my detox from 6 months straight of prescribed narcotics for my endo) this entails laying out, vigorous house cleaning, walking tristan and the dogs, spraying butchy with the hose, AND being scantily dressed after 5 wardrobe changes before noon due to embarrassing sweat patches. by about 4 pm each day i want to curl in a ball and die because i am tired and sore. it is like a detox sore, not a uterus sore. my incision sites do not hurt anymore. my iv site is still stiff and sore and bruised from all the phenegran. i have laughed more in the last 2 weeks than i ever have in my life. i have had more fun with adam in the last 2 weeks than i could have ever imagined with anyone anywhere. i am so glad i did the surgery, and so ready to get feeling better.

so hopefully that answers some questions for anyone who was seriously looking for an answer. i know i was looking for info before i made the choice, and it was a tough one to make. lots of prayers.

ANYWAYS

back to about three hours ago...

after tossing and turing in the bed for about an hour i finally explained to adam that i could not sleep and went downstairs. i went straight to the medicine cabinet. this is like the fifth day in a row of not falling asleep till 4 and waking at 7 so i guess i am feeling a little desperate to sleep. i actually had 2 tramadols in my mouth and spit them out. they are a non-narcotic pain reliever, but still... i spit them out. i really think it is the remnants of all the hormone treatments, anesthesia, narcotics and other stressful things that makes me hurt right now. i have read about detox and withdrawals and i know i had a really bad week right when i stopped, but i didn't think the symptoms would last this long. i have done a few things, like an infared sauna and herbal mixtures for detoxing, but i wonder if there is something more. i am not taking them anymore, now i just want them out!!! dang chemicals.

i always like to read the word of wisdom. it can be so refreshing and almost like an "eternal shopping list". it helps me reset my head on what things are good and the meaning of moderation. let's just face it; my 1/2 diet coke 1/2 diet dr pepper habit (not to mention the meds) were not good for my wallet or my body. water is so good, and i don't crash from it later. sometimes it's fun to have a soda on occasion. that would be my goal. i think about doing a diet or a cleanse and then i read those beautiful passages and i am reminded that the greatest instruction book on the planet is on the nightstand in my bedroom.

everywhere i have been for the last two days i have had a magnetic pull to be there, and met someone new and different that i say a few shy words to and then end up hugging and crying because we just shared some amazing moment together. for example, today i went to see my friend clint at the tattoo place and tristan saw a girl that looked like me. he did his usually "point and grunt" command to me. i hesitated for a second, i worried i should just leave her alone and not be a "chatty kathy" as adam so affectionately calls me. i was just about to turn when she smiled and tristan was overwhelmed with joy and she asked to hold him. i just stepped toward her and smiled. something made me ask her about her own kids, and then i just blurted out that i just got a hysterectomy and she said ME TOO!!! IN MARCH!!! she was younger than me, and had one child as well. it was amazing. we hugged and cried a little. wow, what if i had missed that? i cannot recount the many times this has happened to me recently.

so, i am awake... and writing. i am glad i spit the pills out :) maybe my lack of sleep is creating these mysterious meetings... i am worried this might be catching; there are an awful lot of you on facebook right now ;)

love,

lynsie

a new link for Abbie Warnock Photography (that works)

2009-07-22T13:26:00.002-06:00

sorry, that link i posted didn't work. here is my photographer friends website,

www.abbiewarnock.com

she lives in sandy and is actually really reasonable as far as pricing and scheduling goes.

you ALL should do it!

xoxo
lynsie

smile

2009-07-22T00:27:00.007-06:00

( me, today!)

i'm gonna go ahead and blame every "strange" thing i have done today on the solar eclipse.

everyone else is doing it

ANYWAYS... i don't think many of you realize what MJ meant to my little sister and i growing up. i wanted to be famous because of Michael Jackson. i wanted to do something AMAZING with my life. i wanted to dance like him! and dress like him! (haha) and luckily i already had jerry curls. (hahaha) but, seriously, i had a major time period of my life when his very existence changed me.

so, i assume you've heard him sing the song Smile by now, right? the words are amazing.

"Smile, though your heart is aching. Smile, even though it's breaking. When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by... If you smile with your fear and sorrow, smile and maybe tomorrow, you'll find that life is still worthwhile if you'll just... Light up your face with gladness, hide every trace of sadness, although a tear may be ever so near. That's the time you must keep on trying, smile, what's the use of crying? You'll find that life is still worthwhile, if you'll just... Smile..."
(Words Written by John Turner and Geoffrey Parsons. Music Composed by Charles Chaplin)

my big thing on this blog has always been HONESTY, but without a smile honesty can seem like complaining.

i just finished a 6 hour professional photo shoot with hair and makeup and costumes and different locations and everything! we rocked out to MJ the whole time. it was AMAZING, and MAN did i SMILE :):):):):):):):):):):)

it was a 1950's glamour shoot. abbie warnock is my friend/photographer and vivian williams is my other friend/genius amazing makeup artist. we had SO much fun. (yes, that was me at the fruit stand in a coral halter top dress and white heels with dramatic makeup and a hundred million men cat calling at me, and in that black beaded dress down at city hall under the streetlights.) i have only seen a few of abbie's photos of me, and she does a lot of artistic work with her photos. (check out her website) i will get them in about 3 weeks. i couldn't resist snapping a few shots of myself when i got home.

BUT, i will only share those with you if you see me in person and ask to see my phone!!! i am looking forward to the airbrushing effects of abbie ;) the only problem i have now is that my falsies (lashes) won't come off. oh well, i am sure adam won't mind.

to be completely honest i was shocked after vivian finished my makeup. i went into the other room alone and just stared in the mirror, wondering who that other person was. she was so beautiful! it was SHOCKING to see the few shots on abbies camera that she had taken. i was sure she must have accidentally pulled up a different shoot. that couldn't be me... right?

i feel like a woman. i wanted to do these photos for me and for my husband, but then it turned into something else during some of the shots. it was like i was doing these pics for all of us burned out moms who lost our knockout bodies once we had our miracle babies, never have time to doll up, feel frumpy and unattractive, and maybe even had their female organs removed.

THIS ONE'S FOR THE GIRLS!

Because owning what you've got, right when you got it, is what it takes to make a real smile!

love,
lynsie

see the silver lining in everything in your life... it's up to you!

2009-07-19T09:53:00.005-06:00

I absolutely can not believe what is going on at my house this morning. Tristan (my almost one year old little boy) is still asleep! It is about 9:30 am. I have been up since 7. Oh ya, I broke my foot yesterday. Yep. My laptop powercord got stuck on the corner of the oven while I was trying to carry all my stuff to go lay out in the backyard while T napped.

Fashion IS pain, now i know that.

I got a pretty sweet tan, after the bleeding and crying and puking and stuff. I puked from the pain, and the sight of it. I felt like such a wimp!

But, I have not taken pain pills for a while now and i am NOT about to start now! Not even with a swollen, black and blue, broken foot. So Na na na na na na Devil! You're not gonna get me with this one. (who else would play such a nasty trick on me???)

I thought I would show all of you a pic I just took of both my hair and my tattoo... since both change so often. (hmmm, sorta Tonks from harry potter-ish of me ;) Oh well, I had to cut my hair again and get rid of the Elvira front and Rod Stewart top. It was just not me! No hate to my guy readers that wear girl jeans and spend time doing their bangs and actually like that haircut. I would love to look as good them in their tight jeans. Anyways, hope you enjoy the pictures and the roller coaster that is my life as of late.

Love,
Lynsie

on an even more personal note...

2009-07-16T22:01:00.001-06:00

ya, i know, my handwriting... oh well

"goodbye, that's all she wrote..."

2009-07-15T10:23:00.002-06:00

Famous words from the jonny cash song "Jackson". Now, I know they didn't mean jackson hole, but I like to think of it that way. jackson has always held this "even better than vegas" place in my heart. It is the ultimate get-a way. two days ago adam loaded me in the car with nothing but my stuff for the day and we drove till jackson and stayed in a reasonable hotel and ate at a reasonable restaurant and drove up to yellowstone falls and out west jellystone. it was so romantic! ;)

so, my head is still a little in the clouds from that. All i know, is that bella and edward got NOTHIN on me and Adam. NOTHING! And eternity with Adam is going to be so amazing.

it's nice to be just Lynsie for a few days; not mommy, not sissy, not sister webb, not coach, not student, not secretary, NOT SICK, just LYNSIE. did i mention I was naughty and wore a really amazing dress to dinner that made one of the waiters whisper to his friend, "dinner and a show... now we're talking." made me feel pretty again.

not many of you know of my goal to make post-hysterectomy the new megan fox. If you don't know who megan fox is, it's okay, I promise your husband does. ;) If you read my friend kristina's blog you will see that she is a nudity advocate. She inspired me. Now I am a, "let's show those pre baby body, rich, airbrushed, probably never held a welder and flipped down her own visor then welded on a track arm to the suspension of her jeep, FAKE GIRLS what a REAL woman is like.", kinda girl. that's right, and I ain't ashamed.

i am dizzy and tired, but i feel so good besides that. we just showed the house. DAMN, she looked really really interested.

what will I do if I sell???

"look out jackson town!"

love,
lynsie

my virtual tour

2009-07-11T01:26:00.004-06:00

So, my mom has this agent in her office that acts as her right hand woman (ever since I left) and is AMAZING. Her name is Barb. She had a hysterectomy before having any children for health issues. She has been able to live life without taking any artificial hormones since. She and her hubby Peter are listing my house for free. I really don't want to sell it, because I love it and want to stay here and just need a magical money tree or something ;), but we'll see what happens.

Maybe I'll be "goin back to cali"... hmmm, that might work.

ANYWAYS... hmm hmm (sorry, it's late and I am easily distracted)

Here is a link to a tour of my home.

I LOVE IT! (Aside from the waiting room music, but I have heard worse.)

Barb and Peter are so awesome, if you need any RE help I fully recommend them.

Love,
Lynsie

drumroll please.................

2009-07-09T23:01:00.005-06:00

I am excited to announce, but at the same time warning you of partial nudity as well as a pretty bad example/role model moment...

-stay if you dare!

(it might be helpful to read my last three or four post as well as this one if you are a new reader.)

So... I have this skin problem... let's just call it mystery skin. It has all these wonderful qualities, like beauty marks and rarely ever burns just turns deep golden tan and pretty lucky on the acne, I also got really lucky on the stretch mark... that's right, I said MARK. I only got one. :) BUT... I also scar in a different way than most people. My wounds do not like to heal easily, and they tend to stay separated instead of healing shut (like my nursing wound, which is STILL open, BTW) Once they finally heal I am left with those nasty big scars that you put on for Halloween, except mine never go away. I have some serious "battle wounds" from things in my life, and most of those things were fun or adventurous occasions when I just got hurt being wild. Now, I have 5 new scars. They are already puffy and hard and one wont stay closed. They hurt, and they are on my tummy. (from the hysterectomy/laproscopic surgery/appendectomy)

Now, I don't want to complain or anything, but I am a little upset about these new scars. I never had a "model" body before, but I wore a bikini sometimes. I worked my abs so they would look great on race day in my tri tanks. Now I have all these stinkin scars. And I decided to take things into my own hands.

Here is were it gets a little out there... brace yourselves...

I decided that God and I will have a few serious conversations someday. I will ask him why I had to experience certain things and he will ask me why I chose to do certain things. During these conversations I am sure we will be able to work out the details... because I am making it to the Celestial Kingdom with Adam and Tristan baby and YOU BETTA BELIEVE IT!!!

BUT...
I got a tattoo...

Of a shooting "nautical" star with a swallow, flying upwards.

It's on my shoulder/back. My garmies cover it completely. ;)

I am in no way endorsing or encouraging this behavior. ANY OF IT... IF YOU GET A TATTOO, ODDS ARE YOU WILL REGRET IT AT SOME POINT IN TIME.

But I just LOVE mine! It is so feminine and beautiful. It is new so it still needs to heal and get touched up. It hurt so good. It was a day when I was not taking any percocets last week. The entire experience was awesome. I told the artist my story, start to finish, explained to him my meaning for the tattoo, and he hugged me and cried. I even bore my testimony to him. ;) It took about an hour and it hurt. But Adam and Tristan held my hand and made me smile. To be honest, it was nice to REALLY FEEL SOMETHING again. I think that might be "dark and twisty" Lynsie talking. (I miss greys anatomy; Meredith is "dark and twisty" sometimes.) I dunno, coming off of 6 months of pain pills has been challenging, but feeling SOBER AND CLEAR HEADED is just so refreshing... especially after all the post pardem stuff. Feeling that raw peircing pain and knowing I chose it and I wanted it made me feel like the score was settled. Like I could be at peace with it all now.

I guess this is my little proclamation or statement of achievement and acceptance. Kinda like a symbol of my commitment to returning safely back home with my family, no matter what life throws at us, even if it seems impossible. So, here are the pics; let me know what you think. ;)

Love,
Lynsie

p.s. It started out really small, just a shooting star, and I did that one memorial day, because I was able to find peace in my heavy heavy heart over what my dad did, and why. Because I finally had been through enough to really understand what could drive a person to the point were ending it was actually a thought. I am SO GRATEFUL that I have a strong testimony, and a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, my savior. He is so understanding and brings me so much peace. It's funny, because I sometimes complain about all that has happened in the last year, but to be honest... it has been the best year of my life so far.

I know it's BEYOND cheesy, but I love Miley Cyrus and she got one thing dang straight...

IT'S THE CLIMB!!!!

number two: Swallows

2009-07-09T00:07:00.002-06:00

I am sad... I dont have time to give this post my full attention, but I really want to post it and keep this little thing going so I can announce my BIG thing by friday.

-forgive me in my haste???

Sparrows

A symbol of hope for the return home, of loyalty to one's family and home, of freedom. The swallow is a bird that chooses a mate for life. Therefore a swallow is also a symbol for love and loyalty to the family.
Other symbolic meanings in the same line:
• The return home after a struggle
• A hardship survived
• A victory gained.

The swallow, as well as bluebirds and sparrows, has always had a symbolic meaning for sailors because, before modern navigation technology, these birds were usually the first sign that land was near. A swallow tattoo for a sailor reflected his hope of coming home safely. Every 5000 nautical miles a sailor would typically get a swallow tattoo, marking his experiences. Speaking nautically; sailors relied on these birds and THE STARS, particularly THE NORTH STAR. Kinda neat... ;)

Another fact is that swallows return home every year, no matter where they are.

Swallows have always made me think about the hope of returning safely home with our families. Home, of course, is ETERNITY. I can't imagine what that will be like. But I really want to make it back there, safely, and with my family.

My grandma, the one who pretends she is white but is clearly not, lives in Benjamin. It is a small town, and if you know were it is then you probably knew all about the words I used in my last post. ;) She calls her house "Benjistrano" because of the swallows and how they all come back every single year to her breezeway. It's funny... like Capistrano... she's so wonderful. I absolutely love her. She is such a mystery to me. I wonder why she is so private. People ALWAYS tell me I should be more private. But, once I heard that Nie Nie was not going to be private because she didn't FEAR, she had FAITH... I was inspired. And, let's just face it, I'm pretty much shameless. ;)

So, just to answer your burning question NO; I am NOT joining the Navy. That is NOT my mystery news, so keep imagining what it could be. (Unless you think you know, and even if you are positive that you know... YOU DON'T! No one but Adam does!)

Okay, bedtime.
Love,
Lynsie

Ummm hold the posts!

2009-07-08T03:59:00.002-06:00

So, now my house is for sale.

yup.

you can look at pics here

my stories will continue, I am just in a slight coma from all the financial paperwork.

next item we will talk about is the swallow. I love all birds, and of course love owls above all, but the swallow has a pretty interesting symbolism. check it out if you have time, then i will hope fully write when adam gets off shift on friday.

love,
lynsie

I don't think your ready for this jelly...

2009-07-06T22:48:00.004-06:00

That's right... "bootylicious" quoted in my Title, I am rolling with class this evening.

So, I am starting a new "thing" hopefully it turns out well. There is a lot to read, and I know I can ramble on sometimes, but it should turn out to be pretty good stuff.

"I don't think you can handle this"

We'll see...

I am writing a series of stories/summaries of articles based on a few different things. Each day will be a new thing. You will learn about my history with, and other historical symbolism's of a new object in each post.

At the end, I will announce the BLOW YOUR SOCKS OFF reason for all this madness.

P.S. don’t tell if you already know please ;)

(It’s fun, just go with it!)

Number one: Shooting Stars

I like shooting stars because they are amazing. When you look up into the heavens and see a shooting star it is mesmerizing. I always find myself pondering the galaxies and universes that exist all over, and how big or small we are in comparison… trying so hard to wrap my mind around the concept and finally, giving up! Shooting stars have this power over me. They make me PONDER, like I have never pondered before. That was the beginning of shooting stars for me.

Let’s just say that when I was a little girl my mom taught me to believe that if you wished on a shooting star it would come true… always, even if it seemed impossible. I even wished once, and immediately told my mom. I fell asleep that night so absolutely sure that the shooting star would grant my wish. I woke up, smiling already, and ran downstairs. I was not sure how exactly this shooting star “fairy” would deliver the glitter makeup kit I had wished for, I just KNEW it would be there. I saw my mom as I came down the stairs, her smile was enormous. She led me to the front door and opened it and I saw the front porch all decorated with crepe paper and glitter and hand made confetti and a brown paper lunch sack with craft paint of a shooting star on the outside front and MY SPARKLE MAKEUP INSIDE!!!

Wow!

Wishes and dreams could come true!

This was a very precious moment for me, I was about 5 years old. I remember it crystal clear. From that day on I believed in the impossible.

When I grew older, it became really apparent to me that I did not have a dad, anywhere. That was a strange time for me, it seemed hard to keep believing in the impossible. But I eventually did, and I was rewarded tenfold. I gained a strong testimony of Jesus Christ, and his gospel, I learned to embrace my LDS heritage, rather than rebel against it. My anger was soothed. I believed that families could be together FOREVER. I knew that I would meet my Dad someday, and that we would be together, if we wanted to. I believed in the impossible again.

Whenever I saw a shooting star after that I counted it as a wink from my dad in heaven. Sometimes I would lie on my back on the lawn and look at the stars and wait to see one, other times I would be in the most random places and see them. It always seemed random to me, but later proved to be a very important moment, almost like talking to him, or him talking to me.

When Adam and I had our first date, we borrowed some long boards and went up Provo Canyon at night on a full moon. We wanted to bomb the canyon trail in the dark. It turned out to be safe (miraculously!) and when we came back up to pick up the drop off car at Vivian Park we sat out on the benches and played on the kids slides. We talked, and flirted, and talked, and teased, and sat on the bench, and he leaned over to kiss me and we both looked up…

The BIGGEST shooting star we had ever seen!

We kissed; a good, hard, like you mean it kiss. It was very dramatic. I think I even had a skirt on that was billowing softly in the wind. Parting from Adam that night was truly sweet sorrow. ;)

Then I moved away from Orem. Really, I moved away from Adam, from my Mom, from EVERYONE. I wanted to be on my own again, but just not on my own “in a VW at a Rainbow Gathering”. (No hate to my VW friends, I loved my van!) I just needed to discover who I really was, without the same old influences.

I went to stay with my cousin in Sacramento. I had an amazing experience sharing their family life with them. It was so neat to see a real family, with a mom and dad and kids and prayers at night and early morning seminary across town and family dinner every night, the power and presence of the Priesthood. It was admirable. They were living the so called "impossible". Don't get me wrong, they were not perfect, no one is, but they had a great impact on me. My uncle challenged me to bare my testimony of the LDS church to Adam.

Adam and I were talking and writing letters (he saved them!) back and forth from cali to utah non-stop. It was a little bit nauseating, I'll admit it. ;) I ended up only lasting about two months before I thought I might DIE if I didn’t see Adam again, and SOON. What can I say… we are soul mates. He flew out and we drove home together. Near the salt flats at about 1 AM it started to storm. The sky was golden and deep deep blue with lighting and fog, and SHOOTING STARS. It was a meteor shower that night. I had written my testimony down in a letter to Adam and planned to give it to him sometime on the ride home. It was tucked under the passenger seat. I suddenly felt like it was the right time. I asked him if I could drive. He looked at me, kinda annoyed, and agreed. After a few awkward minutes of me trying to set the stage I finally just said, “I wrote something down that I want you to read.” He reached under the seat and got it out. He started reading. I started a mild, but usually pretty easy to hide, anxiety attack. It was silent for a really long time. I was getting really anxious about it. I thought I might break the ice, and looked over to see a tear on Adams cheek. Getting Adam to feel his own testimony was impossible... so I had once thought. I never thought we could be together, forever, because I never thought he would accept the gospel. It's a really good thing that I believe in the impossible, hu?

That night we drove home with excitement buzzing around us. We both knew that we had found our destiny. We knew it was going to be like this, us sitting next to each other in a car somewhere driving across some desert or canyon, listening to music and holding hands. That night we decided we would get married in the LDS Timpanogos Temple. It took a lot of time to become prepared, but we made it. MOST people who knew us growing up would say that it would be impossible for ME to have straightened up and got married in the temple. But, you know how I feel about impossible...

There was a great big shooting star one night on our honeymoon at the cabin in Scofield.

I had found my soul mate. It was clear. I knew he was it. It was like his spirit and mine instantly bound together and have never parted since. Adam has this amazing quality about him that somehow re-sets my internal compass whenever I am feeling out of tune. He is such a guide to me, a beacon of light, even a lighthouse, or maybe… just maybe, a STAR. Like the North Star. Like a star that would give me light when I was lost and alone in the darkness.

After years of my chronic pelvis pain, extreme blood loss due to near constant menstrual issues, anemia, ovarian cysts, fainting, fatigue, fibroids, endometriosis, and just plain being worn out; getting pregnant was not exactly easy for us! We were married 7 years, and then we got our Tristan. Our beautiful baby boy, our miracle… another time believing in the impossible has proven to be so much more than worth it.

Fast forward, here I am about two weeks post hysterectomy. I reached my goal of quitting the narcotics. I am taking the herbal/natural hormones and feeling better and better every single day! I don't need to tell you, but I will just so it sinks in... I BELIEVE IN THE IMPOSSIBLE.

I have the man of my dreams, my soul mate
We have been blessed with this amazing baby boy
We can be together as a family forever!

When I think about shooting stars, I think about believing the impossible, and the North Star, and the Compass. I think of , “a guide to get me and my family back home safely.” I believe in the impossible. It happens every single day!

Love,
Lynsie

Do you remember?

2009-07-05T06:17:00.002-06:00

When we fell in love? We were young and innocent then...

That's right folks, I am gonna go ahead and start off my first blog in nearly two weeks by quoting the late great king of pop.

I have been feeling better, it is starting to hurt less.

Sometimes I still cry, when I remember all the good times we had together... ya know, through the tv and radio. I hope he got my letters (which you would know about if you read my post on 25 random things about me.)

OF COURSE I AM TALKING ABOUT MICHAEL JACKSON!

Pssssshhhaaa! Like my hysterectomy even matters anymore! (Damn you MJ for stealing my thunder, I may never fully forgive you!)

On a more serious note, my goal to be off all narcotic pain relievers is two weeks, so that is next Tuesday. I know i can do it, with help. (prayers are appreciated, especially if you include MJ and his family in the prayer... that would be particularly appreciated.)

It's 5 AM, I can't sleep. My all black cat Frodo Baggins that I have had for 6 years is purring loudly across my arms making it almost impossible to type, but being so relaxing and loving that I won't move him. :)

I had a CRAZY experience at the hospital. I didn't even fully wake up for 2-3 days after the surgery. It was very odd, and made me have SO MUCH ANXIETY!!! But, after my short term memory came back (this is apparently a normal thing, and happens all the time...) anyways, after I stopped acting like some soap opera character waking up in the hospital bed and asking, "Is the surgery over? How did everything go? Did he leave my ovaries? How is Tristan?" about 40 times repeated in an hour for two solid days. Did I mention that I love my husband? Because I do, A LOT. He stayed with me and protected what little dignity I had left. Finally I came around and actually had a few pretty bad panic attacks when I realized three days had passed. I was OBSESSED with wanting to know every detail of those three days. Finally, my hubby had to ask me to shut the hell up. Poor guy, he really did go through a lot for me!!!

Now I just have lovely incisions. I already met with a plastics guy... about 4500 for a partial tummy tuck that would hide the surgery scars. Oh well, they are my battle wounds and I shall wear them proudly. (or somehow get rich and get a tummy tuck. either one really.)

Adam is going back to work 48 hours on and 96 hours off. He got a bid at a station in Magna. This is a really really good thing. You have to have seniority on the department to get a bid. I am excited, and I think I want to move.

DON'T GET MAD AT ME...

I just think moving would be reasonable. There is a house with our exact floor plan and lot size, on a corner even, and it was built in 1993 and is a for closure for $155,000. That would like half our mortgage payment. I am aware that we would have to move immediately before T starts school... he should at least have a chance at a life without the words "crick" "lane" "fixin" "mowntans", etc-. If you don't get those words, you probably didn't get raised in spanish fork or payson, or my hometown of benjamin. It's okay, you can watch an episode of the simpsons with the trailer trash family, THAT is what I am talkin about.

You can take the girl outta payson, but you can NEVER take the payson outta the girl!

So, it's late, but actually early. My old self would be out working out by now.

Someday my size 8 jeans will fit again.

That is all I ask, size 8 for cryin out loud!

Also, I have made a bunch of yur bags, I did it in a rush right before my surgery and apparently FORGOT. I found them the other day. I will get a hold of all of you on Monday.

Most important message of my entire post... Michael Jackson was a good guy, he was messed up, but some of that was not his fault. I have to forgive child molesters... it is something I must do in order to function, so maybe that is why I still love MJ, but in all reality, ALL OF US should forgive each other. Who the hell cares if he was nuts. He had a tough life, and a whole lotta talent. He shined brighter than most of us can ever dream of, so of course he faded... but he was a good man, and for that I truly admire, and respectfully feel honored to have experienced his ups and downs with him via the media. Privacy is a VERY lucrative thing!

imagine if every single thing you did was under the public eye for scrutiny...

So far so good!!!

2009-06-23T13:01:00.002-06:00

I'm out of surgery and in my room! I feel like ten times better than I expected to! Those prayers you all have been sending my way ate working!
THANK YOU!
I'm still not up for visitors but tommorow I should be. I'm at Utah valley hosp.
Love,
Lynsie

the update

2009-06-22T17:15:00.002-06:00

Surgery is 5:30 am tommorow!!! I'm currently being kidnapped by my little sister for an evening of fun. Tristan has been doing so good and I am so happy about that! I have so many wonderful friends and family that are supporting me right now. Thank you all so much! I am not sure when I'll be ready for visitors, but I will post updates and send texts when I am ready. Thoughts and prayers are appreciated!
So, LETS DO THIS Already!!!!!
Love,
Lynsie

Another Story...

2009-06-18T21:57:00.002-06:00

Mood: just for fun
Listening to: an OLD mix comprised of; 311, the soundtrack to the newer romeo and juliet movie, the spice girls and sublime.
Enjoying: a large mug of water through a straw. (I'm trying to get myself in "hospital mode". ;)
Side Note: don't you love it how music can literally bring you back to a certain time and place and make you truly relive memories?
Story:
When I was about 13 I met this boy, we can call him Mex, who introduced me to his friends. He was a Native American, he got the nickname from someone who was trying to be rude, but he kept it and wore it with pride. He was a semi pro/pro rollerblader. (think X games, ramps, rails, etc-... not that guy in short-shorts that rollerskates up provo canyon looking like Kip from Napoleon Dynamite.) He and his friends really liked this band 311. We used to drive around together and find parks and buildings and stadiums and office complexes and schools and stop and video them while they skated. They edited the home videos and added all this 311 music to the background. We all thought we were SO COOL. ;) We had so much good clean fun; no drugs, no sex, no illegal behavior (unless you count the random acts of nudity... and for the record I am pleading the fifth on that one, if you were there you would too!) I guess, the only exception was if we had seen it in reality bites then we reserved the right to try it. Pretty close to innocent though. ;)

I remember a time when this group of friends and I went up to SLC to a skate competition at Salty Peaks (?). There was plenty of 311 played at the comp. One of the cute girls that came with us had her hair parted in a FAR to the side swoop bang. (This was WAY before the swoop was popular... yes, we were THAT stylish... and don't even get me started on Sublime...) By the end of the day up in SLC we all had gotten some serious sun! I usually just continue to change races. (ie: my skin is olive and I have no clue why so I claim ALL races, and I rarely ever sunburn.) The Rads are bro and sis and they have white-blond hair, blue eyes and, you guessed it, FAIR skin. They were essentially bright red. Mex was a super dark tan. Most of the other skate boys had red and white farmer-tans, their sweat soaked shirts were thrown off hours ago. I looked over at my cute shy friend with the swoop bangs and started to laugh. I asked her if I could look at her forehead and see if she got a tan line from her bangs! OH MY HECK! SHE DID!

It was classical teenage joy over nonsensical things. This memory came back to me crystal clear during one of the songs I just listened to. We had so much fun together. Suddenly, all of these fun memories of this old group of friends just kinda flooded me.

I remembered that we also used to make home movies during the evenings as a group of friends, usually listening to 311, drinking gas station cappicinos with loads of sugar and creamer and snackwells cookies driving around in Vince (the volkswagen) who always had SEVERAL vanillaroma trees hanging from the rear view mirror.

We would arrive on our different movie shooting sites and film horror movies. I always got to be the girl who is being chased by the murderer. It was so fun. One time Josh (one of the skater boys) was filming and he zoomed in and out on this humongous zit on my nose. (I had just picked at for at least an hour before I came over so I poured a pound of cover up on it and pretended it wasn't there.) I had no clue he was filming that way, he didn't even laugh! He was stealthy when it came to practical jokes. The little tease filmed the entire movie using his zooming skills. When we got together at the end of the night to watch our new "film" it was ROLL ON THE GROUND funny to watch! I think my lemon even peed her pants while laughing during this one. (see, sometimes people pee their pants...)

What a great group of kids. I had so much fun with them. Recently, thanks entirely to blogger and facebook, I have been in contact with this group of friends again. Just in time too... It is so crazy... three of us have chronic illnesses and deal with pain on a daily basis

My Lemon: lymes disease, a rare bacterial infection/parasite, tonsilitis, appendicitus, endometiosis, AND a new baby guy

Mex: graves disease, radioactive treatment, removal of thyroid, medications, muscle weakness, extreme weight loss, major fatigue,

And me: well, you all know my chart :).

It is crazy how comforting it has been to be able to talk to these guys. Some how our history together makes their advice to me truly priceless. I am so honored to have them in my life again, and feel like they are angels who have so much to teach me! I am so glad to have their experiences to learn from.

There are, of course, some people from the old "crew" that are no longer around for one reason or another. Unfortunately, some of those reasons include losing them for a while... while they wait for us on the other side. (Love you Joshy.) Josh's viewing had a small tv playing our homemade skate videos and a little boom box playing 311 and spice girls. It melted my heart. I am so glad I have the comfort of my faith in times like that.

Some of the other reasons we grew apart as friends include normal things like being married, having kids, going away to school or for a job, etc-. One guy owns his own business designing, making and selling baby shoes and accessories and is willing to give me some tips and help to start up my bags business!

Another girl had a baby with really severe reflux and when he was about 3 months old she got in a really bad accident and had to wear a FULL BODY CAST for some horrible amount of time. She was unable to hold her baby while he screamed and screamed from reflux. She talked to me about postpardem, really honestly. It was so refreshing. I listened to all of her stories about the time when she was in the cast, and felt like it was helping me to cope with the idea of not picking tristan up for 6 weeks after my surgery next tuesday. Her stories made me have faith that I will be okay, and that SO MANY WONDERFUL PEOPLE will be here to help me. :) The cute girl who got the sun burn bangs is my friend on facebook, she has little ones and shares tips on being a mommy.

The mom of one of the girls lives in my ward right now and she had something like 10 kids, and 8 of them had really severe colic. All of her boys have experienced serious health complications and, to top it all off, all of the boys have a rare bleeding disorder. This woman is such a saint. She gives me comfort and advice and has so much experience.

It is neat to look into the eyes of a mother who has grown children and see the way that being a mother has shaped her. Some women turn out to be strange works of art, a little twisted here or there and perhaps even a little abstract at times, but always beautiful for their complexities and strength. Other women turn out to be stunning beacons of selflessness. And selflessness is quite possibly the most attractive feature that any person could ever have. I like to think I am shaping into a good mixture of the twisted and the beautiful. What's life without a little character anyways?

It is wonderful to have so many kind women, of all ages and backgrounds, talking to me and sharing their insights and advices and comforts. I am honored. :)

So, long story even longer, I am having a good day. I felt so much love and support and kindness today from all of you! Thank you! Turns out my seizures are most likely caused by severe anxiety. (In 2006 I had a series of severe anxiety attacks and when I talked to the doc about these recent ones he reminded me that they were very similar to what happened these last few days.) I am getting anxious, but I am still VERY VERY hopeful.

love,
lynsie

p.s. Go kiss your babys, all of you mommies and daddies! xoxo

Think of Niagra Falls, a fast moving river, a faucet running...

2009-06-17T21:05:00.003-06:00

If you are not already aware, I ALWAYS end up saying too much, embarrassing myself (and sometimes you!) and talking about things that are normally NOT TALKED ABOUT.

so, consider yourself warned*************

Last night:

I was really really nauseous all day long, and finally had Adam give me an IV of phenegran and fluids. As soon as he got it all set up I started puking EVERYWHERE.

It was so weird! I was throwing up completely instinctual. There was no part of my mind that was controlling the movement of my body. (As far as I could tell.)

Suddenly, in what felt like about two hours of falling backwards through the kitchen floor while shaking violently, I looked up to see Adam and Tristan standing above me, but I could not figure out what had just happened, how I got to the floor.

I started crying, although nothing hurt, amazingly. It was just shocking. I caught my breath and asked Adam if I has just passed out. He said yes. I then started to grab the chair and pull myself up.

***warning... graphic content*** ;)

While trying to stand up I noticed the floor was all wet... same with my pants, my undies...

Oooooooooooooh crap!

I peed my pants?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

WTF
(by the way, that stands for What The Frodo... don't know what you were thinking ;)

As soon as Adam noticed the puddle, he got a scared look on his face. Now, when your firefighter/paramedic husband gets a worried look on his face in a situation like this YOU KNOW you should be worried.

Apparently, I had a small seizure. This is kinda like what happened a few weeks ago, but we thought it was the hormone pills. I have not been taking them at all. I barely even take an ibuprofen these days!

After the seizure I had a really hard time opening my left eye. There was no other movement impairment on the left side, and Adam checked my pupil and stuff to see if it was a stroke. We decided to drug me up and put me to bed.

I woke up this morning to the most EMPTY house! Adam was gone, just me and T. I think I have grown too attached to having Adam home everyday!!! I was a little nervous that I might seizure again, so i decided not to drive anywhere. By about 10:00 AM I was having a really hard time using my left eye again and then I puked and puked and fell on the floor in the bathroom downstairs. My phone was upstairs. i felt the shaking, the falling backwards sensation, the warmth of me peeing myself, then a few moments of nothing, then I saw the upside down view of Tristan screaming crying at the child gate at the bathroom door.

What in the world is going on? Have you ever heard of someone passing out when they vomit? I wonder if I just have so much anxiety about surgery and stuff and then I caught this little flu bug and now when I puke it just sets off a seizure type thing.

wow

I think i am gonna fake like i have tourrets now, just to seal the deal. ;)

Love,
Lynsie

p.s. please please tell me someone out there has peed themselves as an adult! That was some really embarassing honesty I just put out there!

p.p.s. my loving sister leslee is taking the entire day off work tommorow to be with me and drive me to crest and help me with tristan. I LOVE YOU MESSIE! xoxoxo

I just... ATE a bug!

2009-06-13T16:55:00.002-06:00

No, but really I just broke my toe.

Oooooooooooooooooooooouch!

Maybe I'll watch Overboard tonight while I ice it. I LOVE that movie.

Love,
Lynsie

summerfest

2009-06-12T22:58:00.002-06:00

i dont think i can fully remember my first summerfest. that was a long long long time ago. but i remember quite a few of them since then.

summerfest is the annual Orem City festival, fully loaded with carnies, local "talent", shops, carnie food, rides, a parade, fireworks and really amazing short shorts and bad bad haircuts. (my own haircut being one of the WORST of the night, and that is truly saying something!)

we brought the dogs and T in the jogging stroller and went to pick up the little girls at adams parents house. it was fun and interesting to go to summerfest today.

there was sweet corn and churros and soft serve ice cream and kettle corn and scones and the smell of the exhaust from the classic cars as they all pulled out one by one as the rain began.

So many different people. so many different stories. and there i was, in the crowd, just another "story".

People stopped us almost constantly to pet the dogs. "are they friendly?", "do they bite?", "are they police dogs?", "are they twins?"... we started to feel like our own little parade.

it was fulfilling and wonderful to watch a fearful child approach the dogs filled with apprehension, wanting so badly to touch the dogs, but scared to death of them because of their "image", or you may even say "prejudice". if you have ever owned a german shepherd, or pitbull, or rotty, you know what i am talking about. it almost hurts the first time you hear the neighbor kids saying; "my mom said that the webbs dogs will kill you if you touch them", "i heard that the black one ALWAYS bites". and so on. you think to yourself, "i have worked my butt off to train this highly intelligent dog and it is quite possibly smarter than your mom...grumble grumble...".

summerfest 2001 was when i saw adam on 8th north and he backed up his car at the stoplight just to say hi to me. i was really really impressed. we hung out every single day for a year after that night. summerfest has a special little place in my heart.

it was fun to watch the people, and to remember the different stages of childhood, preteen, teenager, know-it-all 18 year old, newly married, brand new parents... all of the things i had been once before at this very same place. i laughed as i saw the cute girl with dreadlocks and a patchwork halter top dress by the ferris wheel. i remember that phase of my life... it was actually pretty fun. :) that's when i really learned how to sew! it was my only job. then there was the black and blue under the eyes friend i saw with her brand new baby. so tired. i wanted to force her to sleep right then! i don't think i will ever forget those early days with tristan. it was SO hard! (but so worth it too). then i saw the newlyweds, the couple on their first date, the group of super pretty and bratty teenage girls with the preppy/skater boys at their beckon call, the nerdy fourth or fifth grader that was following us around, in love with our dogs, and talking about wanting to be a vet someday... these were just a few of the people i saw myself in. then i started to see parts of myself in people i wouldn't usually think i had anything in common with. the look of joy in a mothers eyes as her kids performed on the stage, the dad at the ATM who walked away with a crumpled up receipt and told his three little girls they would "get special ice cream, as soon as we get home", the older woman who was fanning herself with vigor from her obvious heat flashes, the large Polynesian man with his pit bull, the down syndrome little boy with the brown hair and brown eyes who started doing sign language to me when he saw me, the old man that made my soft serve. it was beautiful. i was finally seeing it.

zion

i had heard it said a million times, but never quite knew what it felt like to truly be one with others. there i was, walking around summerfest and seeing myself in all of the other people around me. i was peaceful and felt a love and compassion for each of those people. they are, after all, my brothers and sisters. i know i have believed this for a long time, but i dont think i ever really saw it for myself this clearly. it was really beautiful.

within a few moments my thoughts drifted, as they usually do, to humor. i noticed that adam was super uncomfortable because of the three boys that were singing the jackson five remix in their costumes on the stage. i knew that this situation called for humor, STAT! we engaged in humorous banter as we passed the crowds and eventually made our way to the car.

i noticed something different about myself when i sat in the car... i was really really happy!

how long had it been? i mean, i know i was really really happy when tristan was born but... had it really been that long? how sad!!! i think i am finally starting to feel settled, emotionally. i am not gonna lie, it has been a really hard 10 months. i guess part of me thought that i would never feel the way i did before all of this ... stress and surgeries. i am so glad i stuck it out! it feels so good to have hope and faith. i am so excited to have my surgery. it is the light at the end of my tunnel. (but don't worry, not THAT light...) ;)

now, if only i could remember this happy feeling always. hmmm, i guess thats what this blog is for!

love,
lynsie

It happened.

2009-06-09T01:19:00.002-06:00

It's one thirty in the morning. I just finished talking with Adam. I finally broke down and did the whole "what if" thing.

-What if we could somehow get pregnant?
-What if surgery changes me forever?
-What if there is another child for us?

It hurt my heart. I laid there in bed for about two hours with my heart racing. I finally woke adam up by saying, "honey, should we try to get pregnant."

He shot straight up in bed, the way I had always imagined he would wake up at the firestation when he heard the tones go off.

I have the sweetest, most patient and kind husband. He is so amazing. He listened, held me while I cried a little bit, soothed my aching little heart and helped me to get a hold of all my emotions and thoughts and nerves and just to CALM DOWN. It was really nice.

I guess I just had to actually know that I had given it a real, honest, clear and complete thought. And I did, we did. We talked about it a lot. For a long time. It was great because we talked so honestly about everything. We examined the situation for all the different things it could possibly be, Adam entertaining some of my "creative" anxiety driven worries. We asked ourselves some really hard questions.

What we came up with was a warm solution. It just fit. It was so strange and emotional and then so peaceful. I imagined the stories I had heard in church when I was little about when the spirit tells you something and if it is good you will feel it inside. If it is not, you won't.

We felt it, the peace of a sure answer. The armor of confidence, support, love, honesty and commitment.

We are doing the surgery.

I KNOW it will be okay, and that someday I will get the chance to be a mommy again.

I will be the best damn mommy in the world to Tristan... he will be blessed and happy and loved.

I will be good to myself, and love Adam and follow him as he leads our family. He is so amazing.

I will not look backwards, I will move forward. I will not have any regrets.

At least, this is what my heart tells me, and this is what I want.

love,
lynsie

So much to do

2009-06-08T12:24:00.002-06:00

today my brain feels like it wants to jump out of my eye socket. Is my body really that bad of a place to live that all of my organs are trying to jump ship?

in other news...

adam may have been offered a job working for guardian air in Alaska as a paramedic.

Hmmm hmmm... yes, I did really just write that. It has still not soaked into my brain, and looks really funny in writing, but it is a real possibility that we are talking about in the five minutes before we fall asleep when he holds me with his "cast" arm and I have my heating pad on my tummy and we finally get a few minutes to ourselves to talk. Not very much time for thinking about things that are so serious, but then again, it is almost dream time, so I like to think that we both dream about it sufficiently and thus if it is meant to be it will happen. Today I think I will look at the weather forecast and search for houses to rent. did i mention that he would make almost three times per month what he makes here??? And that he can put his job and retirement and benefits and everything here on "hold" for up to three years???

ALASKA!!! FREAKING ALASKA!!!!

Okay, next story...

I am sewing up a storm, and just finished the cutest bag I have ever made. i think i might get a little bit too attached to each of my sewing projects. i sit down there in my sewing room, finally able to relax and think, and i create these artful purses. I LOVE IT. it is so peaceful and fulfilling to me. Lara is the lucky girl who will get this one. (I will post a pic on my purse site later today) I think I will make this bag bigger and put bottle holders and a large diaper zipper on the backside. It is the PERFECT diaper bag!!!

My love adam is so tired today. he is asleep behind me right now in our bed. We have so much to do today. i am in charge of the volunteers and sponsors for the provo triathlon (three days before my surgery) and I was offered a really neat opportunity to sell my diaper bags to some nationwide boutiques. (THANKS KICKER!!!!) so I have been feeling pretty productive, but still have that haunting feeling that i haven't done enough... hate that feeling! sheesh!

we need to get adam a full cast today and fill out a boat load of workers comp papers and sick leave papers for his work. Did i mention that i am so grateful to have him home??? I need to get the insurance on his motorcycle finalized today and get them a picture of the bike. We need a new insurance co but i am afraid of switching right now since I filed BK, and I don't know if they will check our credit when we change and give us a really crappy policy. know any good insurance co's? We have our house and two cars and a motorcycle to insure. Anywho... I am rambling on now, maybe I will use this post as my to do list later today. that might just work. see, i am a multi-tasker now! We desperately need to help adams dad finish his bathroom project and i have a list a mile long of things that both he and i need to sell on KSL, just need to post them. ;)

NICK IF YOU ARE READING THIS THEN GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND FIX YOUR FRONT DOOR KNOB ASAP... I WILL GIVE YOU HELL WHEN I SEE YOU NEXT ;)
(Nick is Adams dad... he loves the heck outta me, even though i harass the heck outta him. i guess he is really MY DAD... wow that is a funny thing for me to say. My Dad... i like the sound of that! :)

What else, what else... hmm pay the mortgage, make sure the subaru payment was made, get groceries, check on my bike at sbr, dream about being skinny again and working out, cancel my 24 hr fitness membership before they start auto drafting my bank account in july, drink water, dream about being skinny again, show love to Adam and Tristan, see if anyone needs a hand or a shoulder or a hug today, check on my sick friends, call my brother and sis in law in NY, tell my little sister I love her, call my grandparents with dementia (again) and remind them that i love them a lot, i only missed grandpas birthday because i had surgery that day, i had a baby in july, i love them, i am missing the family reunion because of another surgery, i love them, i am not mad at them, i didn't want to miss grandpas birthday I HAD TO...(dementia is a hard one...) tell my mom i am proud of her, call jedd and brook and make plans to play with puppies, call brady and allison and keep brady positive even though he wrecked craigs jeep, make plans with my long lost emily and milo, and finally...

clean my house??? maybe not today.

thank you for indulging me ;)

love,
lynsie

really???? are you joking???

2009-06-04T19:11:00.002-06:00

i just came home from the grocery store to my house on fire.

did i jinx myself, or what?

i'm trying to remember if i broke a mirror recently or something.

here's the story;

i was boiling bottle parts downstairs (we have two kitchens) and my little sister came over. i visited with her and transferred the boiled clean bottle parts from the hot pan onto the drying racks and reloaded the pan with the remainder of tristans special bottles. (they have a million parts) i put i on the stove and asked adam to watch it for me. i even made a pretty big deal out of him keeping an eye on it. then i went upstairs and talked and laughed and joked with my little sister while tristan was being a cute little monster. adam somehow went upstairs and fell asleep on our bed. i didn't notice. then adams little sister came over. she had just had a frustrating event at his parents house (a few blocks away) and went storming out the front door in what was intented to be a dramatic exit only to find that there was no car outside for her to leave in. she started walking to our house. when she got here i offered to take her to the grocery store for a short break. we loaded up tristan and headed out. we took our sweet time at the store, laughing and joking, we even posed with tristan for a picture with the radio station and got free sodas! i filled a prescription for adam, we saw adams other sister there with her little girl. we talked to them for a while. i then took caty home and headed back to our house. when i was pulling in the driveway i could hear the smoke alarms going off. i knew exactly what had happened!!!! OH SHIT! (sorry) that was what i said as i ran inside screaming adams name carrying tristan in my arms. there was smoke and moisture so thick in the air it was hard to breath. i yelled out for adam again... he was not answering. OH SHIT!!! i threw the child gate out of the way, ran downstairs (still carrying tristan) saw that there were no flames, yet, just smoke and tons and tons of water damage. i "shera'd" the pot off the stove and out the back door on to the lawn. (maybe i really am a superhero?) then came in and turned the stove off and ran upstairs to find adam. i was sure he was passed out from CO poisoning. he woke up right as the smoke detectors turned off. i had every door and widow in the house open. (once again, super hero).

so maybe the house didn't really light on fire, but it was really really close. and i had to scrub the entire ceiling/walls/cupboards downsairs because they were covered in dark yellow watermarks and blisters of paint and water and smoke. after i was done cleaning i joined the family and animals on the lawn. so greatful that my little family was safe.

really brings perspective to me... right when i need it.

i am so glad that everything is okay. it could have been so much worse. i guess that is my lesson right now. everything IS okay, and it could be so much worse. i just need to weather this storm and show gratitude to all those who love and support us SO MUCH.

thank you, really truly, thank you. i love you all so much. i don't know how i would even make it another day without you and your kind words of encouragement and support. it really means the world to me.

so maybe i'll make the radio and the news today! ;)

love,
lynsie

you have got to be kidding me

2009-06-04T15:45:00.002-06:00

today adam found out that his thumb is broken, on his right hand. this means so many things... since he is a firefighter/paramedic he will now be forced to take time off until it is healed. since it happened at work and he filed a report he will be able to get 2/3rds of his pay covered for his time gone (appx 4-6 weeks) but has to use sick time for the 1/3rd remainder. he has NO sick time, we have dipped into vacation and holiday time already this year with all my surgeries and bad days. wow. you have got to be kidding me.

oh well, i guess it can be seen as a strange blessing in disguise. now i don't have to call him home from work with my crying and pain. he will already be here with me, in his own pain and torture. to adam this is torture. he is so concerned about money. i guess i can't blame him, considering all that we have been through this last year. i tried to calm him down and tell him that somehow this will all work out, but sometimes people just want to be upset, and need someone to be upset with them. so instead we drove around and made fun of people around byu then went to brick oven and spent money. we know, we are brilliant. ;)

tristan is being a complete monster today, but in a cute way. his personality is changing. he is trying really hard to communicate with us and babbles in his falsetto voice at unimaginably loud decibles. what a freaking cutie. three people this week have called him a girl. SERIOUSLY... could he look/act any more like a boy? always in brown and blue and growling and biting. i guess maybe the falsetto voice is catching people off gaurd... that and his faux hawk... oh well, they are the weirdos that work at brick oven, flirt with their 45 year old married manager and dress like a 45 year old polygamist. did i really just write that? maybe i should repent... sometimes being this close to byu makes me do bad things.

so on with our day, and on we must go. there is no stopping to cry or feel bad about our situation. we are now officially both Joe from joe vs the volcano. "that hat is wearing you, Felix." I am a little soul sick, he is a little depressed. we are both here for eachother and not going anywere. we got tristan, our little miracle, and he might be a little monster but he is MY little monster and i love them both.

just watch for us in the news, the headline will read something like "rare lighting strike hits one single home in Orem."

:)
love,
lynsie

what a day

2009-06-03T22:16:00.002-06:00

first of all, let me just apologize for the missing capitol letters again. yes i am that anal. it is really really bugging me and making writing not as enjoyable. i need to fix it asap.

on with the post;

let me start by saying that i thought about starting an anonymous blog for about thislong today. i dont really know why... i just felt like maybe i could be more honest that way without fearing that people would worry about me... or even worse, judge me. lets be honest here, we all think about that. i know i have judged people before without even thinking twice. i dont know why i do it, must just be human nature. i wish i didn't judge people. today when i was driving to crest with tristan in the jeep we listened to reggae music pretty loud. i had my camo pajamas and a cabelas hat on. my jeep is not little. in fact, it SCREAMS redneck. and i actually helped build it. ruined three sets of nails puttin the lift on :) anyways... driving to crest i was smiling really big, and i saw a man on his bike on the sidewalk and i smiled. i didn't notice anything at all about him but that he was a man, on a bicycle. the shocked and shy look on the mans face quickly pulled me from my happy place. i shook my head a little and realized that this man was not used to people smiling at him. how sad. then i thought of possible reasons. he had darker skin than i did, and that is saying something! but i don't care about skin color. why would anyone really care about skin color??? i can't believe people do that still! maybe he thought i was gonna kidnap him and take him out to my redneck ranch. maybe I am the scary looking one. you see... i seem to REALLY CARE about judging people, and them judging me. call me crazy. (you know i'll answer!)

ANYWAYS, i decided against the anonymous blog and am now bravely going were no lynsie has ever gone before; the gosh darn honest truth. can you handle the truth? can you handle the lowercase sentences???? ;) here goes nothin.

We went to the doc today. The long awaited ob/gyn visit to determine if I would have the partial hysterectomy at 26; the answer, yes. Wow. Now what?

I guess I’ll just go downstairs and sew. It is the only thing that helps anymore. I am able to get carried away and not listen to my aching, prematurely aging, and nearing closer and closer to a hysterectomy body and all the pain signals it is sending. Constantly. It feels like my body is at civil war with me right now.

It’s like some cruel science experiment: First postpardem depression, then horrendous nursing wounds, then countless hours of pumping, then no dairy diet, then eat nothing but rice and chicken, then fail at nursing and have major nursing guilt, then insanity from reglan withdrawals (the meds i took to try and get my milk back in), then insanity from sleep deprivation, colic, reflux, 20 extra pounds, repossession on both cars, filing bankruptcy, a three part root canal, return of the evil period… make that period from hell. Followed by no money, lots and lots of stress, no adam, another extra twenty pounds, hormone pills, no daytime activities for anyone but Tristan, everything I do scheduled around his feedings and naps, staying up too late every single night even though he is finally sleeping through the night and ending up putting him to nap a little bit earlier each day because I am so ready for my own nap. Like grown ups need naps anyways. What do I think I am?

Apparently I am a superhero, especially since I am down here in my bat cave sewing, listening to my mother in law as she searches my house for me in her sincere, but awkward, way of showing me that she cares and is worried about me. I really love her. Who wouldn’t be worried about me!!! For hells sake I have been in and out of the hospital and doctors offices nearly constantly since January, and it is JUNE for cryin out loud! Appendix out, endometriosis laproscopic surgery, constantly having a catheter, Percocet… my goodness so many percocets. And Prozac. And Demerol. And more phenagren than any human should EVER ingest. And a whole lotta Metamucil. And a colonoscopy. Ewwwww. That one was gross. At least my innerds are quote/unquote “beautiful”. So glad I don’t have to wear them in a bag on my hip for the rest of my life.

Oh well, looks like the hormones didn’t work, and the pills… well the pills are evil. Even more evil than the period. So I am sewing in my basement, I refuse to take my pain pills, and I just scheduled my hysterectomy.

Adam is so frustrated at me for not taking the pills. Good Lord, none of my friends are buried up in that damn cemetery from sewing, and I can promise you that. But the track those doctors had me on was paved in percocets straight to the cemetery. I finally understand why dad did it. Why he … uhmm uhmm… killed himself. It was the pills. They screw with your head. And the pain doesn’t help either.

I guess sewing gets to my head too. I think SO MUCH when i sew. I just let my mind wander and i finally relax. This is just how I am coping with a very very very difficult situation, not to mention day.

I am a mom, and a wife now. I love my family. At least once i get the surgery and recovery over I can smile and interact with them instead of grimace and puke and hold myself in the fetal position on the floor in the kitchen crying every night, and calling adam home from work every other shift.

I know i will have to take pain pills after the surgery for a little while but i REFUSE to plan the rest of my life around hormone shots and pain pill scripts!!! i know that people might think i am crazy for getting this surgery so young, but really... what is my quality of life right now??? were is this current path going to take me??? is that what i want with my life? is that the memories I want adam and Tristan to have of our past?

NO...

and I GET TO MAKE THE CHOICES NOW, I am a big girl and I am in charge of my life, NOT ENDOMETRIOSIS, NOT DEPRESSION, NOT PILLS, NOT DOCTORS....

just me.

~will i ever write like this again? I'm not sure. it felt good. i don't know if it will be received in the 'tone' i have imagined for it. like most of my text messages and cards and letters, it will probably be misunderstood or taken not quite as i planned. but i don't care. it reads just right to me, and i don't have time to write an anonymous blog and keep writing this blog. i NEED my blog!!! It soothes my soul!

I am no longer going to be a stranger in my own blog world. i am now proclaiming this blog as my personal journal and inviting you to read it, or choose not to. be offended, or feel accepted and understood. you choose. i'm just coping. best way i know how ;) and a hell of a lot healthier than the ways i used to cope!

Imagine… a full access pass into the mind of lynsie webb. I would read about pretty much anyone if I knew they were gonna tell me the entire, unedited truth. do you dare?

love,
lynsie

tristan; the super model!

2009-05-31T14:09:00.005-06:00

this is my precious little guy modeling his new shoes and belt from me in mind.

(i am now missing my caps lock key too... pretty soon i won't have a computer anymore!)

love,
lynsie

FINALLY... shoes that actually fit Tristan and stay on!!!

2009-05-28T13:04:00.003-06:00

today Tristan and i went on an adventure. we kidnapped my mom from work and drove out to pleasant grove in search of the mythical shoes that would fit his bear paws. i didn't tell my mom where we were headed, i made it a surprise. when we pulled into this warehouse my mom was really confused. i opened the door and yelled, "it's me!"... this confused even more people.

we went to Me in Mind footwear. (Well, their warehouse anyways.)

my friends own this AMAZING place.

they showed me so many neat things... things i had been scouring stores for since i found out i was pregnant. Kicker (the owner) has three kids, two of them being twins. He and his brother Tanner run the store. They have all these genius ideas like little pieces of silicone on the liner the top of the socks to help them 'stick' to the skin and not fall off, SHOES THAT FIT AND DON'T COME OFF FOR ANY AGE BABY OR KID, belts, flip flops, hats,

and what's even cooler was all the designs and logos and sayings and adorable things like little markings on the bottom of the soft soled shoes that say things like "if you can read this, turn me over please" or 'how's my crawling? call 555-minm.

IT WAS HEAVEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want each one of you to take a second and click over to see their website. Next time you are thinking about buying any of these items, check out Me in Mind. You will NOT be disappointed!

love,
lynsie

p.s.
if you are wondering what's up with all my sentences starting with a lower case letter, well, my shift button is missing and i have a laptop so it is really hard to fix... so it is lowercase or UPPERCASE... i figured you would prefer lowercase :)

losing my "keys'

2009-05-26T21:37:00.002-06:00

So far this week I have lost 3 keys...

Not that kind!

-think #3, #4 and the shift "keys"

(I lost #6 a long time ago)

It is significantly harder to type with these keys missing.

This made me think about "keys" in general.

Most of the times things are harder when "keys" are missing.

I'm so grateful for the keys we have!!!

-think Priesthood now

Once in my psychology class at UVSC the teacher started going OFF about the LDS church and how unfair and "sexists" our beliefs are. I straight interrupted her (which was a big deal because she was really scary!) and I said really loud, "I hold the Priesthood every night! He kisses me before I go to sleep too."

Shut her right up ;)

Love,
Lynsie

Purses update

2009-05-22T12:49:00.000-06:00

Hi everyone,

First of all I wanted to thank you all SO much for your support! I am happily sewing away over here, every chance I get. It is so fun, and I am getting so attached to each bag before I "send it to its new home"!

Those of you who already have your purses, I hope you LOVE them! Those of you who have placed an order and are still waiting, thank you so much for your patience! Those of you who want to order, but can't afford it right now; ORDER ANYWAYS... as long as you can pay eventually. You don't have to pay for your stuff until it is finished and delivered. If you want to enter the drawing, and order a purse now, but can't pay right away, then just order anyways but leave me a note as to when you will be able to pay/when you want the purse finished by.

I was lucky enough to have a TON of cute fabric donated to me! When you send your order, if you are general about the fabric colors I will email you a pic of all the fabrics I have that match your descriptions and you can choose! If we can't find something perfect I am ALWAYS happy to go to the fabric store ;).

Don't worry if you can't order now, or if you don't win the drawing... I will have another one as soon as I can find another sweetheart like my mom to donate the prize!I am working on a super duper diaperbag with all the "bells and whistles" including a cloth and ribbon covered wipee case. I want to practice it a few times and work out the kinks, but I will post a pic of it soon. It will probably be $45.

Thanks again for your love and support!

Sincerely,
Lynsie

How are you doing?

2009-05-21T19:31:00.002-06:00

I am doing good.

I am enjoying sewing these purses SO much. It's bad because I want to keep each one, and I am such a perfectionist that they take like 4 hours each bag, BUT I LOVE IT!!! It is very theraputic for me.

I asked how are you doing because I feel like recently so many people have asked me this, and cared for me, and listened, and brought me comfort.

I feel like returning the gift.

Email me, call me, comment here, facebook me, text me, come over and chat.

How are you? Is there anything I can help you with? Do you need someone to listen? Someone to bounce ideas off? Are you willing to watch Tristan while I listen to you and sew at the same time??? ;)

Love,
Lynsie

GIVEAWAY ON MY PURSE BLOGSITE!!!

2009-05-18T23:36:00.003-06:00

So, this is my 100th post.... YIPPEE!!! What great timing too! I am having a raffle on my purse blogsite. For each purse you order between now and Friday May 22nd you will recieve an entrance into the giveaway for a $50 gift card to Bath and Body works. Winner will be announced on Saturday morning! Keep looking at the purse blogsite because I am adding a bunch of pre-made purses that you can order, in addition to the option to customize a bag.
Thank you all for your support!
Love,
Lynsie

"...somedays I sit and wish I was a kid again..."

2009-05-16T20:25:00.002-06:00

I had to post these pictures and somehow Tristan is already in bed for the night so what better time? (Sorry it has been SO LONG since I posted a pic!)

Today a few friends of mine from WAY back in elementary school came over to my house and shared lunch, laughter, stories, encouraging words, more laughter, cookies and kids. It was so much fun! I haven't laughed like that in so long. Ahhhhhh... I really needed that. Thank goodness for facebook or I'm afraid we would have NEVER done that.

It was so good to think of all the funny things we did, like me rushing to the store to buy a pregnancy test after I kissed a boy, or us putting random fruits and veggies in condoms and sticking them on peoples doorsteps in the middle of the night. (might I add that we were no older than 5th grade doing this!) I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE hanging out with them! For just a moment it made me wish I was a kid again so I could relive some of those moments. For just a moment it actually made me wish I would have made different decisions, treated people differently, recognized TRUE friendship and kept it instead of coldly tossing it aside when blinded by boys/popularity/drugs/my CRAZY mom moving me everywhere... But then I remembered that it is never too late! And, hindsight is always 20/20.

There I was sitting with 3 of my dearest friends, two of us mommies, all of us all grown up. When I was in the 6th grade I would have sworn to you that those three girls would be my friends for my whole life. I am so lucky, and happy, that we could mend the past and come together again. It made me feel young again! I know I am only 26, but this last year of my life has AGED me! I already had a pretty full book of life stories before all of this new stuff. Hanging out with them was like sitting down from my crazy, full time life of hiking up all these hills and mountains and taking a minute to enjoy the amazing view. After all, we EARNED this view! Right!?!

It has been 1 week and 1 day since I found out that I will be having a hysterectomy in June. It is still soaking in. I am sad, but I am hopeful. I just want to be able to feel good again! Not just for me, but for Adam and Tristan too. I have been so sick and in so much pain and I am STILL bleeding after 8 days. I am taking the YAZ continuous, with no placebo pills, just to prevent me from having a period! I have tried so many hormones and this was the lowest dose available. (I am way too sensitive to the higher doses.) We have literally tried every different brand/blend of hormones. I know that having the hysterectomy will not solve every problem, in fact it will bring new and complicated problems of its own.The doc did tell me that he thought I would be able to keep my ovaries. This is what made me feel like I could actually go through with this. If I keep my ovaries they will produce hormones for me for several years, and then I can use homeopathic and herbal things as they loose blood flow over the years instead of artificial hormones. I am nervous and a little unsettled. But, I am open for whatever is going to happen. I guess I just wait and see?

Now, how many times have you repeated that song in my title in your head so far? HAHAHA!

Love,
Lynsie

Purses By Lynsie

2009-05-14T01:00:00.002-06:00

Please take a look at my new blogsite: pursesbylynsie.blogspot.com

This is my little attempt to pay off my VERY BIG medical bills. Tell your friends :)

THANK YOU!

Love,
Lynsie

EXIT ONLY part 2

2009-05-13T15:14:00.002-06:00

I am alive
I am tired
I am so hungry from 1 1/2 days of nothing but clear liquids and a hardcore laxative
The procedure went well
I TOTALLY wrote Exit Only on my bum cheek, with the help of my nurse
I have pictures, but I am feeling too shy and/or tired to get them right now
So, I have a beautiful colon, ladies and gentlemen. This is a relief!
Now I will eat as much as I can before passing out for the rest of the day.
Ahhhhhhhhh cupcakes!
-Love,
Lynsie

7 years of Wedded Bliss

2009-05-07T22:12:00.003-06:00

Tomorrow is our 7 year anniversary. CRAZY HU! I feel SO old. In honor of our anniversary I will keep my laptop off all day long. We are going to the Star Trek Movie, as a matinee, then getting sushi at Shoga in Orem. I AM SO EXCITED! I remember when we decided to get married. My mom was consumed with her own life and new marriage. My dad was deceased. Adams mom was quiet and I didn't know how she felt, but Adams dad made it clear that he thought we were too young and that Adam should serve a mission first. Needless to say, our wedding invitations said, "Adam and Lynsie are excited to announce..." We just left the parents out of it. Here we are, 7 years later. I know it is cheesy but it is SO Shania Twain, "Looks like we made it, we beat the odds now baby... they said, I bet, they'll never make it but just look at us holding on, were still together still goin strong..." Adam is DEFINITELY Still the ONE. I love him so much that words will never be enough to describe. I am so blessed and so lucky to have my soul mate!!! For eternity!!!

For our anniversary I figured I would post this thing I wrote a long time ago about being a firefighters wife. I was inspired by several other firewifes, and unfortunately can not remember their names. Sorry... hope that counts as credit enough. Anyway, here goes:

You know you are married to a firefighter/paramedic when…..

You pull your nice jeans and favorite tops out of the dryer and they smell mysteriously like smoke, then you notice your husbands’ work shirt took a ride in the wash. You smile and immediately sniff the clothes hard and then text your husband and tell him you love him

You and your husband have “I bet I slept less than you last night” contests

For two days all you think about is how much you miss him, then for four days (or until he goes to the part time job) all you think about is that he will be gone again too soon

You think of ANY excuse to visit the fire station when he is on shift (And of course you make sure you look HOT!)

You always ask how work was, but you know when to ask for details and when to stop, learned that one the hard way

You look EVERYTIME you see a fire engine or ambulance….. no matter what city you are in

You know the difference between a fire engine and a fire truck (fyi: trucks have ladders)

You have learned how to do just about anything while carrying an infant

You have moved across the state for a VOLUNTEER fire job, just to get experience (hey it worked!)

You love that your husband has his dream job

You’re not offended anymore when he tells you that you’re the best little EMT in town, and you KNOW that medics are better than nurses (sorry amy)

You have played, “let’s see who can put on my turnouts with air the fastest”

You have actually driven a fire engine (eat your heart out!!!)

You are sure that you are single-handedly keeping Gillette in business

You know how to read military time

Your husband takes more showers than any human should possibly take

You wonder how on earth he wakes up for those damn tones at the station every time but can’t seem to hear the baby

You know how to read heart rhythms

You sometimes don’t tell your husband about little cuts, bruises, falls and such… because not everything is “lights and sirens” okay!

Your husband is a better cook than you, and you’re proud of that!

You love the way he looks in his uniform!!!!! (Edward schmedward…… there is NOTHING like a man in uniform!)

You rely heavily on faith

You still fear

If four hours go by and he hasn’t texted or called, you typically freak out and watch the news with shaking hands and a pounding heart until you are sure that there is not a fire somewhere, then you call the station just in case.

Every time you look into your child's eyes you see a piece of your husband and thank God that he blessed you with the opportunity for an eternal family.

You are so proud

I LOVE YOU ADAM WEBB!!!!!! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

A Story

2009-05-05T20:12:00.004-06:00

I read Cjane, like most of you probably do. She did a fun thing last week on her blog. She told three true stories from her past and made up one fake one and let people vote which one was the fake. I have a draft file FULL of stories from my past. They are all random stories that I wrote down for my children/grandchildren to read and laugh at me someday. I think I will post some of them, but I don't have the time or energy to make up a fake story. Sorry ;) I am still REALLY nauseous, and having hormonal migraines. Last night was tough! I puked a bunch. I am praying that I can find an answer, or feel better. I have the colonoscopy next week, then I think I will make some serious plans about medications and surgeries. Wish me luck!

So, here is a random story for anyone interested:

Did I ever tell you the trailer story? For some reason I was thinking about this last night while I was trying to fall asleep. Once, a long long time ago, Adam and I lived in a little house on Carterville road. It was a house that was for sale and my mom was the listing agent. The house was a disaster and had a bunch of garbage in the backyard and needed some serious TLC. Adam and I had been married about 6 months and were looking for somewhere new to live (since we are gypsies). I had ALWAYS wanted to live on Carterville road so I jumped at the opportunity without thinking about it too much. Man that was a COLD COLD winter. The house was not very well insulated and the furnace was ancient and the water heater might as well have not existed. Anyways, we borrowed Adams dads trailer to haul all of the garbage from in and around the house off to the dump.

One day Adam was home while I was at work and some lady knocked on the door. She had been driving by and noticed the trailer full of crap and saw a little white picket fence inside of the trailer and wondered if she could buy it. Adam said, “You can take whatever you want, you don’t have to buy any of it. It is all going to the dump anyway.” She said she would come back. He went on with his day, and didn’t even mention it to me. When I got home, THE ENTIRE TRAILER WAS GONE! I freaked out. Adam started to explain what had happened earlier. When we got to the front door there was a note with a 50 dollar bill inside it that said nothing but “thank you”. I was so mad. Was that lady really that dense??? We called Adams dad up and explained what we figured had happened.

Someone, I really can’t remember who (Helena or Leslee maybe?) just happened to be driving around the river bottoms a few weeks later and remembered the story and saw the trailer….. or at least what looked like the trailer but with a new paint job. They called me up and said something like, “I found the trailer, she tried to paint it to disguise it but I know it’s yours. We caught her!” It was thrilling! We drove over there and I knocked on the door. My heart was pounding, what was I going to say? She answered and I said something about there being a misunderstanding about our trailer and told her were we lived.

From here the story gets AMAZING…

She called the cops. They tried to arrest me (pretty much) and didn’t believe me that it was our trailer. They took her side the entire time until Nick got there and finally talked some sense into everyone. I was seeing red. It was hilarious now that I look back at it. Nick actually paid the lady to get HIS trailer back.

And that, my friends, is the trailer story. Now you know.

(picture of a tree in the front yard at the carterville house)

Love,
Lynsie

Fireproof

2009-05-03T23:34:00.002-06:00

I went to church today, which was hard.
Reasons why going to church was hard today?
-Adam left for work at 5 AM.
-Tristan is teething and was up all night
-I was up all night, and up after Adam left
-Tristan woke up at 7:00 and napped at 10:00 after 25 minutes straight of crying
-I napped too. He slept a LONG time, and I had to wake him to go to church.
-NOTHING FITS ME RIGHT NOW so I honestly had to put little cuts into the elastic waistband of one of my skirts in order to wear it without having small children ask me for free muffin tops.
-I have a ROOSTER... a freaking ROOSTER... and he likes to crow
-The diaper bag is a mess and I didn't feel like organizing it

So, anyways, I "pulled up my big girl pannies" as Terresa would say, and headed off to church. Of course I forgot it was fast Sunday. Oh well. As I sat in the back, pulling the back of my shirt down to hide my cut up skirt and butt-crack and the front of my shirt up to hide the cleavage that goes all the way to my neckline, I noticed I was sweating. Oh joy, another wonderful birth control moment for me. But wait, this was different. "Oh... now I see." I said to myself. I then turned to the lady sitting next to me, gave her a brief look up and down, determined she was safe and asked her if she would hold Tristan for me for a few minutes. She was VERY eager to help. I then stood up, pulling my skirt part way down with my high heel, acted like I meant to do that, and walked to the podium to bare my testimony of Jesus Christ.

It may surprise you to hear that I am shy, even awkward when I speak in public. Let's just say it is definitely NOT my forte. I shared my humble testimony and returned to my seat. I listened as others shared. I felt a warm spirit, as if I was smiling from within. I only made it about thirty minutes longer before Tristan decided to cry inconsolably and tug my shirt in his best efforts to reveal my lovely lady lumps... such a boy...

Later in the day while Tristan took a second nap I rented an on demand movie that I had been wanting to see but Adam made fun of. There are several of these movies, but they make the 48 hours while Adam is gone a little bit easier. (Tomorrow; Mamma Mia!!!) The movie was called, Fireproof

Adam makes fun of every single fire movie or TV show. You can't even watch them in the same room as him. So I start this movie and about 5 minutes in I turned it off. It was SO CHEESY and SUCH BAD ACTING! I was starting to think Adam might be right. I scanned all the channels and found myself watching reality crap... not feeling that warm feeling inside that I felt earlier anymore. I then decided to watch the cheesy movie.

It was severely cheesy, and definitely not going to win anyone an Oscar. BUT... I cried my eyes out. It is a Christian movie. I had no idea. It is about marriages, not firefighters. Well, the main guy is a firefighter but that's not really the point of the movie. I LOVED IT. If you have not seen this movie and you are married you need to watch it, with your spouse if possible. I know the first 5 minutes will be torture while your hubby makes fun of the fake accents and the horrible filming and cheesy actors, but if you can make it to half way through the movie your hubby should be able to find something to relate to, and so did I.

My marriage is the most important thing in my life. I have been married almost 7 years. I have not been a perfect wife, and I have a forgiving and loving husband. We do not get everything right, we fight sometimes, we hurt each others feelings, we let each other down sometimes... but we ALWAYS forgive each other. I have so many friends right now who are struggling in their marriages. This breaks my heart. These are the people that I want to watch this movie. Here is a quote from one of the scenes that really got to me:
____________________________________________________________

(This takes place between a father and son in a meadow near a Christian summer camp by a wooden cross. The dad is encouraging the son to try to make his marriage work.)

John Holt: Has she thanked you for anything you've done the last 20 days?

Caleb Holt: No! And you'd think after I washed the car, I've changed the oil, do the dishes, cleaned the house, that she would try to show me a little bit of gratitude. But she doesn't! In fact, when I come home, she makes me like I'm - like I'm an enemy! I'm not even welcome in my own home, Dad. That is what really ticks me off! Dad, for the last three weeks, I have bent over backwards for her. I have tried to demonstrate that I still care about this relationship. I bought her flowers, which she threw away. I have taken her insults and her sarcasm, but last night was it. I made dinner for her. I did everything I could to demonstrate that I care about her, to show value for her, and she spat in my face! She does not deserve this, Dad. I'm not doing it anymore! How am I supposed to show love to somebody over and over and over who constantly rejects me?

John Holt: [touches, then leans against cross] That's a good question.
_____________________________________________________________

A blog friend of mine reminded me to speak more often of Christ. Another blog friend compared motherhood to being Christlike here. I have several family members and friends who do not share my faith, or who are not active. For some reason I feel like I am pushy if I talk about my testimony too much. But recently I have found that as I share my feelings, even my testimony, I am able to relate to people who I NEVER THOUGHT would listen. If there is even a small chance that I can inspire ONE PERSON to come to Christ, then it is worth it.

I have a testimony of the Savior, Jesus Christ. I know he lived, and died for us. He has experienced EVERYTHING, and can comfort you like no other. I believe in my Temple Covenants, and look forward to spending eternity with my family. I am so grateful for the Atonement, and I am on my knees every single night asking forgiveness. Jesus Christ always listens, he hears and answers prayers. Let us be like Alma and plant a seed in our hearts and see if it will grow. This is my testimony, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Love,
Lynsie

Cock-a-doodle doo!

2009-05-01T11:42:00.001-06:00

I rescued a chicken, a rooster as a matter of fact.

He has feathered feet, and is black/grey.

He must only be a few months old.

He "cock-a-doodle-doo'd" all morning with the sweetest little practice voice.

You can tell he really wants to be a big boy, but just doesn't have the voice yet. It is REALLY CUTE.

Now I don't know what to do with him.

Have you ever raised chickens?

Pajamas, Poland and Pills

2009-04-30T11:25:00.002-06:00

Where do I start...

Last night I could not sleep. It was a combination of three things. Pajamas, Poland and Pills.

We'll start with the Pills:
When I saw my doc last week and told him about the vertigo he suggested that I change the time of day that I was taking my Yaz. I did, but instead of missing a dosage I took a second pill in the morning after I had taken one at night. THIS is what we all believe caused my serious side effects. I talked to the doc yesterday and we all agreed that it is not worth it for me to go extreme and get the full hysterectomy yet, and that we should keep trying the pill for a little longer and just switch back to taking it at night. When I was taking it at night I had 2 hours of vertigo between 6-8 PM. I will take those two hours over what I have been dealing with since I started taking the pill in the morning ANY DAY! But this time I have to miss a dosage, which means my body will start to have a period today. Today I am bracing myself. But, I think it will be worth it.

Now Poland:
My oldest brother served a mission for our church when he was 19 years old. He was called as one of the first missionaries to the Poland, Warsaw mission. He diligently prepared and I remember clearly thinking, "He won't really go." It's sad, because I was not in a spiritual place back then. I was almost 14 and had been smoking/drinking/using recreational drugs for almost 2 years. I thought I was ALL GROWN UP, but really I was a scared and hurt little girl struggling desperately to keep my head above the dark waters of depression. I was afraid of my brother leaving, I was afraid he would be gone forever. (Just like my dad?) I turned this fear into anger and like a little badger I was determined to NEVER allow anyone to know my true feelings and showed aggression and anger about things that hurt me.

I never wrote my brother, not even once on his two year mission.

He sent me letters, and a package on my birthday with a whole bunch of pre-stamped envelopes and blank stationary. I found them when I was 19 and moving my stuff to my brand new apartment with my love Adam, after we had been married in the temple. I had the missionaries in my town visit me when I was 18, and they changed my life forever. The power and testimony of these young 19 year old boys changed my life FOREVER. I will never forget how grateful I was that they made that decision to become missionaries, that they made that sacrifice. I love them.

There I was, unpacking my little things when I found my brothers packages. I cried so hard. I called him. (We had become close since, but I had never talked about his mission.) I asked him everything about Poland. Then I sent him a letter with the envelope and stationary. I had to get different postage, but I wanted to use the letters. I became very intrigued with Poland and the history there.

My brother married a girl from France, and they talk often about visiting Europe together. I have expressed my strong desire to go along with them, and my desire to see something near Poland. My brother understands why I want to see this place, but my husband never understood.

The place is Auschwitz.

And, finally, Pajamas:

A few days ago I made a comment to a friend on face book about my silly german shepherd July and how I thought she was deaf or hated me when we first adopted her because she wouldn't listen to me. The breeder told me she probably just responded to commands in her native language. Which one? I asked. It turns out that my dog understands German and Spanish. My friend on facebook called my dog a Nazi dog and told me she was probably looking for gold. I shrugged it off. Most people have a prejudice against german shepherds, either they are afraid of them or they have decided that the dogs somehow chose to be members of Hitlers army. I love my dogs, and they make me feel safe while my husband is gone, so often.

Regardless, I think my friend struck a chord inside me, and I started looking for movies about Poland, Auschwitz, and the Holocaust. It started with the TV version of V for Vendetta. (I don't watch rated R movies, sometimes I won't even watch pg-13 movies. I am too sensitive, as you will soon find out.) V for Vendetta left me scared. I wondered how many people, and dogs, had a true heart and felt like what they where doing was right because they where not fully informed of what there were doing? I worried that someday I might be so naive and easily mislead. How sad. Then, I saw the film The Boy in the Striped Pajamas last night. I was up all night crying about it. It is a poignant story that really demonstrates the impact of people who did not fully understand what Hitler and his army were doing, and that suffered consequences because of it.

I laid awake with tears streaming down my face until the sun rose this morning. My husband found me downstairs and was immediately worried that my pain had begun from not taking the pill. I softly explained myself. He kissed me and left me downstairs to sleep while he cared for Tristan. I woke up at 11 and came upstairs. I am not crying anymore, but I guess I never thought about these things this seriously.

I have SO MUCH. I am SO BLESSED.

I am not sure if I still need to see that horrible place someday, but if I do it will be out of respect, and not curiosity.

I think the last word of my post will be another "P" word.

PERSPECTIVE

Love,
Lynsie

Exit Only

2009-04-28T14:09:00.002-06:00

I just scheduled my colonoscopy.

Two weeks.

Oh joy.

I am considering writing "EXIT ONLY!" across my bum cheeks in black marker right before the procedure.

Just for kicks and giggles.

;-D

Okay, NEW POST

2009-04-27T20:56:00.002-06:00

That last post reads out A LOT more depressing than intended...

My dear friend went to the dollar store with me and we "shopped" and talked for an hour while our kids fussed in the carts. We laughed and cried and hugged and supported each other, all while being frugal. (You are welcome husbands)

My mother in law came over and helped me round out the night by feeding Tristan his oatmeal while I was too dizzy and listening to me pour my heart out. She really gets me. It is SO important to have someone in your life that really gets you, ya know?

I know what I have to do, and now I just need to do it. I have to HONESTLY pray and be willing to listen to the response in store for me. I need to pray with FAITH, and HOPE. I love the word HOPE. It means so much to me.

I have HOPE, and I am going to make it through this! But, I know I couldn't do it without all of the love and support I receive from my "angels" here on earth.

Thank you!

Love,
Lynsie

Vertigo

2009-04-27T12:49:00.002-06:00

I wish I never knew what vertigo meant...

it is evil...

I promise I am still alive, and being happy and positive over here.

but right now, I have vertigo, migraines, and seizures...

seizures...

My options are running thin.

I don't want a full hysterectomy at 26.

I don't want to play roulette with different birth control pills for years and years.

I feel so ALL OVER THE PLACE emotionally.

Plus, we already met our out of pocket maximum for the insurance year (which ends in July, so NO RUSH OR ANYTHING)

I love Adam so much, he held me in his arms last night and reassured me that he wants me NO MATTER WHAT, even if I am broken, even if I am crazy, even if I am mean, even if I am BARREN, even if I am menopausal.

This helps. Because, I must admit that I have thought maybe he would be better off without all of my messes...

He pretty much shook me until I understood that life without me here would NOT be acceptable, and he is willing to be here with me NO MATTER WHAT, through thick and thin, for TIME AND ALL ETERNITY.

I love him so much.

So, I have made my mind up, I am definitely NOT going anywhere!!!

But, I still don't know what to do with my endo...

Back to the knees? Sounds like a plan. I love prayer, you can NEVER mess up a prayer.

Love,
Lynsie

Where'd you go?

2009-04-22T21:04:00.002-06:00

Dear loyal readers, friends, family, occasional readers, blog stalkers, and random drop by's;

I am sure by now you are feeling like I am a "fair weather friend", except the opposite. I mean, I am sure you think, "Well, when she wasn't feeling good she blogged and commented but NOW...." Or something like that. Well, here's the thing... I DO feel better, and that is such a great blessing!!!

I am also helping my dear friends market their race, the Provo Triathlon, and it is kinda consuming my computer time and leaving me walking away before even linking to blogger.

Now, in the middle of the night, I find myself WIDE AWAKE ooozing with posts I want to share and missing my blogger friends and their stories. Tristan is also teething. Top front two. Oh, and he has declared that he will only nap ONE TIME per day now as well. These things don't combine well and leave me groggy and even a little grumpy some days.

I am working on finding my balance, my medium. I am kinda "stuck on ~~stupid~~ LARGE" I do large or small, usually not medium. As I get older I am finding that medium is really a nice place to be. I WANT medium. I need medium. I am working on medium.

Also, as these sunshiny days have inspired me to spend time outside I've found myself looking in the mirror really truly pondering something... Had I lied every time I checked the box for White/Caucasian??? With each passing day I grow increasingly darker and darker. I like it, mostly because I feel green in the winter, but it really makes me question things, like the fact that my grandma NEVER told ANYONE that she had endometriosis (THE SAME THING I JUST WENT THROUGH HELL AND BACK TRYING TO FIGURE OUT IF I HAD, hmmm hmmm) and that she had to get a full hysterectomy at 28. That may have been helpful information. (I am really not mad at her, I love her so much.) People keep telling me it's a "generation" thing. That my grandma didn't talk about that because it would be inappropriate according to her generation. Okay, fine, whatever. But, we have ALL let the fact that grandma was the DARKEST skinned child in her family slip for WAY TO LONG. She once told me she was the darkest skinned person in her whole high school, and that she always wore long sleeves and light makeup. Come on already! I would like to know what I am. I get asked every other day. I would like to tell Tristan what he is too. I guess I can tell him he is 1/4 Greek. (Adams dad is from Athens, Greece) But, again, the "generation" thing prevents this important information from passing down. I have attempted to research it. A lot of family members have. No one ever finds anything. I guess I haven't ever REALLY REALLY tried. I don't want to offend her. I love her! Even though she looks like a Native American and tells me she is Danish. I guess part of me wants to know more about my past; who I came from, what they did and looked like and lived like. I don't think it will change anything, but it will satisfy my hunger to find out things about who I am. Some people will understand this hunger better than others. I never knew my dad, that is what I think makes me feel this way.

Anyways, I am off my soapbox for now. I will work on medium and try to be here more often. Not really for you, but for me. I love to write. It makes me feel better. It is my release. So, take it or leave it. Read it or skip it. These are my posts as of late.

With love,
Lynsie

Oh my goodness...

2009-04-21T09:22:00.002-06:00

I just had to LOG IN to blogger. Do you know what that means??? That means it has been WAY TOO LONG since I was here. I am a busy woman. I got my hair cut. I am feeling better and taking NO PAIN MEDS! I am liking YAZ. Tristan is still OBSESSED with the toilet. I swear... it is KILLING me. (yucky!) So, I have no great excuse except I have been busy and happy! I have not read ANYONES posts since last week. I will get right on that. But honestly, Tristan is headed to the toilet again. BOYS!!!!! Maybe tonight.

Love,
Lynsie

My new "quote"

2009-04-19T15:56:00.002-06:00

I don't know if it is famous, if I heard it somewhere, if I made it up or where it came from, but here it is:
"It is never to late to heal the past, never to early to plan for the future, but most important of all is to BE PRESENT in the present."

Today the little 8 year old that talked at church spoke to me deeper and clearer than any adult I have ever listened to or respected. THAT'S the power of the GOSPEL.
Love,
Lynsie

It's that time again

2009-04-17T08:54:00.002-06:00

Today we plan for the triathlons we will put on this year, the Utah Half Ironman and the Provo Triathlon. I am assistant race director and NEED HELP since I have been sick, etc-. We need volunteers, we need donations and most of all WE NEED RACERS! You could do a relay (just swim, bike, or run) with a group of friends. There is a kids race at the Provo tri. I will post a link later today after our meeting with more info.

I LOVE TRIATHLON SEASON!!!

Just thinking about all the paths my little feet have trodden...

2009-04-16T11:08:00.004-06:00

I was in 8th grade? I think. My friend Stacey and I were walking from breton woods to a little place on north state street that was hosting a local concert. I was barefoot, with brown polyester pants and a hideous grandma button up shirt from savers, a large leather purse, giant sunglasses (at night), curly long hair and about a gallon of vanilla perfume. We got almost to the concert when a guy (johns brother) picked us up and gave us a ride the rest of the way. We showed up late. The first band was just finishing up. There was a lot of "hippie wiggling" going on. The first band was called something like Revival of the Sun?, some guy named Cameron and another guy named chris... there was this really tall girl with long dreadlocks who was really loud but cute. There was a small skinny girl with long blond hair with the tall girl. I watched them with interest. The first band ended and the second one took their place. I am pretty sure the band was called Infernal Racket. (SO SIMPSONS) Nico was in the band, he was also in my foods class. I liked to make up wild stories and tell them to Nico during foods, things like I was a fairy with magic powers, or I was really a vampire, or that I was the first person on earth to ever hear the band sublime. He seemed to enjoy my musings. I noticed a band member shared my affection for bare feet. hmmm..... interesting. ( you know that was a Mr Burns reference!)

Crossroads #1 I chose to hang out with band #2, and eventually grew to really like barefoot bandmember, and actually started to really get annoyed with Nico... for reasons I still cannot remember, but I think they were good... I grew bored of the normal-ness of band #2. Amazingly, because they are not at all boring. I guess I wanted to find a different scene.

Crossroads #2 Two boys walk in to Fresh Food Junkies Cafe. I have worked here for a while, I am a vegan, I refuse to wear shoes still, even at work. Cameron and John are the boys. They played in Band #1 way back when. We hit it off and soon became fast friends. I soon met that tall girl with long dreads and my dearest little diane and my life became a never ending cheech and chong movie. I made good memories and dear friends and many mistakes, but I grew to LOVE so many people in this group, and still do. There were many many nights that I was hanging out with this boy named Adam, but I never really noticed him. He never really tried to notice me. I, of course, took things to the extreme with partying and... eventually wanted out of it all together.

Crossroads #3 I am driving down 8th north listening to Christian rock music on my way to go swimming in provo river by myself. (still no shoes on) I have been sober for about 3 months. I stop at a light and a car in the lane next to me REVERSES and pulls up next to me. Two boys roll the windows down with fly rods hanging out. Adam and Mike. They ask where I am going, "to the river", "us too", maybe i'll see you there...

Crossroads #4 I still cannot remember how, but somehow I found nico and aaron and derek (band #2) and went to dereks house and drank matte and talked and laughed and shared stories for hours. When I left that night I completely intended to hang out with them again, and more frequently. (Again, I still never knew quite why I stopped hanging out with them...) It was Orem city summerfest time. I think I made plans with Aaron, Nico and Derek... but I called Adam. Out of the blue. I looked his number up in the phone book. I hung out with Adam that day, And every single day after that for as long as I can remember. I took Adam to see Band#2's new band up in Salt Lake. It wasn't our scene. I took Adam to play with friends from Band#1, not quite our scene either. Apparently, our scene was just hanging out with each other. We hung out every single day for a year, then he asked me to marry him, and I said yes.

Why the story??? I don't know for sure. It is one in the morning and I am sitting here thinking about all of the friends I have made and all of the things I have seen and done and how each individual thing has made me who I am today, and how I would not change that. I am also thinking about how truly, down to the core of my heart, I know that Adam and I were meant to be together. I think there are so many paths that one can take in life, and many will lead to a good place. Sometimes we get lucky (or is it blessed?) and our destiny falls at our feet. (Mine bare of course) I first met Adam in 7th grade; he was on the track team with me. I ignored him for 5 years. He is my one and only. He was made for me and I for him. Who woulda thought... We married in the Mt Timpanogos Temple on May 8th, 2002. Our reception was at his grandparents lovely backyard. It rained, but it was perfect. A mixture of friends from all genres came. We danced to Bob Marley, Dave Matthews and Enya. I looked around at the vast array of different people who came. It made me smile. I still smile about that.

Here comes the sun!!!!!

2009-04-15T11:43:00.002-06:00

Today is day two of the YAZ. Day two of no percocets. I hurt like crazy, BUT, I am not gonna take any more percocet. NO MORE. I will take tylenol and ibuprofen. Tomorrow I have an apt with my Doc and I will ask for tramadol. (A non-narcotic pain reliever) Even with the pain, I FEEL BETTER. If you want to you can read about my reasoning behind no more narcotics here. But, you have to have a facebook account to see it. Today is the first day of Adams 48 hour shift in SLC. I am happy. I am excited. I feel energy coming back. I feel excited about the world, my life, my baby guy, my friends, my family, EVERYTHING. I can't believe it but... I THINK I AM FEELING BETTER!!!!!! I want to hang out with people, and the moms club is in full force. Please link to this for updates. (also requires a facebook account, but really everyone should have one anyways!)
Have a beautiful wet spring day today, and remember the sun WILL come out eventually.
Love,
Lynsie

WIDE AWAKE

2009-04-14T06:54:00.003-06:00

Today I am awake at 5 AM for no reason. I came downstairs and turned on conference thinking, "that'll put me to sleep". WRONG. Apparently I missed this amazing talk by Dallin H Oaks on bearing and rearing children. AMAZING.

Also, when I signed in to my email I saw the side bar ad of the girl dancing the "booty dance" and then she turns around and looks at the camera and holds her hand up to her mouth in a completely fake "oops!, I had no idea I was being recorded" fashion. I decided that after about 5 years of that same ad, I am done with it. It needs to go away. Who is with me here???

And yet another comment about my health: I have chosen to take YAZ birth control. The pain pills leave me still in pain and I am sick of them. I really hope birth control works out for me.

Oh ya, several family members and friends asked me over this weekend why I write such personal things on my blog. I was a little shocked. I didn't think it bothered anyone, besides if it did they could just stop reading, right? I guess I took it wrong. Apparently they were trying to say "I love your honesty and it helps me work out frustrations that I am afraid to talk about." Well, at least one person said that. If one single person on this planet gets comfort from my honesty, and some times craziness, then I am happy. Even if NO ONE BUT ME enjoys it, I am happy. That's just the way I am. Anyways, I am going to listen to that talk again. I think "someone" is trying to send me a message. I hope that everyone reading this that actually takes comfort in my "sometimes awkward honesty" knows that I love them, that I love to talk, and that I like car rides to crest and then up the canyon. You can pour your heart out to me. I will NEVER judge you harshly. I mostly listen, and when I can I relate.
Love,
Lynsie

My little ray of sunshine

2009-04-12T00:56:00.000-06:00

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost always makes me high
If I had a day that I could give you
Id give to you a day just like today
If I had a song that I could sing for you
Id sing a song to make you feel this way
If I had a tale that I could tell you
Id tell a tale sure to make you smile
If I had a wish that I could wish for you
Id make a wish for sunshine all the while
John Denver

My mom never really talked about my dad. The first time I saw a picture of him I was 6 years old. He died when I was about 18 months old. My grandma (his mom) said my dad would sit me on his lap between him and his guitar and sing me this song over and over and over.

I loved this picture of Tristan and the way the sun shines on his shoulders.
Easter, Resurrection, eternal life. The plan of salvation. The Good News!

Follow this link to my pics of Tristan for this month. Sorry, it is so much easier for me to upload them to facebook all at once than to post them one by one on here.
Enjoy!
Happy Easter

It's gonna be okay

2009-04-09T22:38:00.002-06:00

I ended my day by singing at the top of my lungs with Tristan, in my jetted tub with bubbles overflowing on to the ground. He found the sound of my voice so entertaining. He would lay his sweet little head against my chest and smile and breath loud and wait for me to sing, then squirm and giggle and laugh and smile. It was heaven. It was perfect. I don't care if I can't have it all. I have EXACTLY what I need. I am happy. It's gonna be okay.

the little engine that could...

2009-04-09T12:47:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I started having contractions. Full on, 9 hours in to labor, contractions. Well, at least that's what it felt like. I was blindsided by the cramps. They came whenever they felt like it and lasted as long as they wanted to. The first one took my by so much suprise that I fell to the ground and starting crying so hard that no noise was coming out. Best part, I was home alone and my cell phone was downstairs. Since this was the first one I didn't know for sure what it was, how long it would last, or if I was going to die right then and there. I also took a short moment to notice that my kitchen floors need mopping SO bad. While curled in a ball I prayed. Right then the garage opened and Adam came home half hour early that I expected him. He held me tight and helped me to calm down. About 10 minutes later it happened again. I am already taking pain pills, and this is breakthrough pain. I can't imagine what it would be without the meds. Three more cramps and a whole bunch of tears later my step brother Jed and his wife Brook came over and Adam and Jed gave me a Priesthood Blessing. It was amazing. I still had the cramps after the blessing, but that is not the point. The point is: 1. I wan't a blessing and believe it will help. 2. My husband is worthy to give one. 3. My step brother is worthy to give one, and willing to rush over and help. These are good things. I am getting worried about my plan. You know, the one where I wait for two cycles and then decide if or what medications or surgeries I will do to treat the endo. The dr told me the first cycle back will be the easiest, and they will progressively get worse and worse until I do surgery or medication or get pregnant. I want to just get pregnant. But, I can't. Not yet. I am on too many medications, and you can't get pregnant when you are on them. Also, I am so tired and overwhelmed and scared of morning sickness, pregnancy narcolepsy (thats real I promise :))and those things. I want to be clear of all medications and to have been working out again at least 3 times a week before I get pregnant again. I am scared. If these are my pre period cramps then there is no way I can stop taking the pain pills. It feels like a vicious cycle. But, I got a blessing, and I do have faith. I have seen miracles. I know all about them. Maybe it's my turn for a miracle. I may not post much this week. I don't feel well, but I know everything will be okay. (I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can) Tristan drank his whole bottle for me today!!!!! That must be a good sign.
Love,
Lynsie

Basket Case (Warning contains baby tristan nudity)

2009-04-07T11:20:00.000-06:00

Tristan has this HUGE rash. It started the other day and got worse and worse throughout the day. He has been sick for almost a week. Then, all the sudden, within an hour the rash goes out of control. I freaked out. Adam was at work. I took a pic and sent it to him. He coached me out of an anxiety attack. I had the chicken pox 7 times growing up. Strange, hu! And I have never been vaccinated for it. This rash was starting to look like the chicken pox. I called the afterhours ped office and they told me to bring him on in. Tested for strep, negative. Apparently infants get rashes with colds sometimes. I swear I have never heard of that but, whatever. My favorite part about him being sick is that he has been so tired. Ya, he's crying his head off and won't eat a thing all day long, but when naptime comes he cuddles. He cuddles hard. Like he means it. Like he needs his mommy. I like that a lot. :) Conference was amazing. Jeffrey Holland had a talk on feeling alone. I SWEAR he was talking straight to me. It made me cry. I love conference. I had a dream the other night. There was another baby in our house. Wonder what that means. It's funny because everything around me, my family, my health, my baby guy, my in-laws; they are having so many trials right now. But Adam and I are closer than we have ever been. Words can not express what that means to me. I have so much emotional trust in him. I don't feel vulnerable anymore, even now right smack dab in the middle of some of the hardest things I have ever gone through. I have trust in him, faith in him, love from him. 7 years of marriage this May. I got the right one. I KNOW I got the right one for me. That feels really good. Even if I am a basket case. Oh ya, PICTURES!!! (And, it's my birthday :))

Oh the places you will go...

2009-04-06T15:02:00.003-06:00

Instead of a post today, I did this. Make sure you click on each picture/note and read my comments. Consider it a tour of my childhood. Enjoy! :)

Tristans Turn:

2009-04-04T13:13:00.002-06:00

I usually blog while Tristan is napping, or during the 15-20 minutes after he eats when he has to stay upright (for reflux) in his bouncer. There have been times when he refuses to bounce, refuses to be upright, unless I let him play with my laptop. So, ladys and gentlemen, I present

TRISTANS FIRST BLOG ENTRY:

W2efftrtttftqarrrrrrrffffffc nnnn4r hhk;p. dd
Fft[gtttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttyytttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttggggggtty b y.,’llllllllllllledreau ccccccccccccccc m8 m m fffffffffffffrrff v uVlsssssvlsssss1]S]SXZ/S4E45%$%Rrr
“o1]EEqrwQqw.-frcdftttfrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrtrt5_/sdlrllrfcccccccccx
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

7tygtyynznnnnnnnfFQF.-p;qwaaawwq.}nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn~w2 ccc nWn jX54 vzZzZzssswwawaqzaazzzzzzzzzzzvv44ddd vddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddkkk8.hggt//////////////////////.--.//////////gfhnhnnnnz’’’’’’’’’’’’’::///////////.RFFFFFFFEEA K ZUXXXXXXXXXXXRJJ JJJ JJJJJC

Bravo, I must say. He is a natural.

Also, just a random thing thathas been buggin me lately, what happened to the farr side? You know the calendars and cards and comic books with hillarious animals and stuff. I NEED the farr side right now. I used to give out farr side cards to people on special occasions, like baby showers or baptisms. The card would have absolutely nothing to do with the occasion. Some of you reading this have been honored by this before. I went to the grocery store this morning. (For ant bait, my basement has ANTS everywhere. I FREAKED OUT!!!) and I strolled down the card isle, searching and searching. No farr side. Maybe I should start making my own?

I know I promised, but...

2009-04-03T12:32:00.002-06:00

Today, and yesterday, I have been brought to my knees in prayer so often. I know that some of you who read this will know why, and it is for you that I am posting today. I found a quote on a blog friends website. I really liked it. It seemed appropriate for today. I love you family. All of you. Forever.

"When we honestly ask which persons in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not-knowing, not-curing, not-healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness ... makes it clear that whatever happens in the external world, being present to each other is what really matters." ~Henri Nouwen

Promise more pics next post

2009-04-02T00:17:00.002-06:00

So, hey whats going on out there in blog world? Am I boring you or depressing you? Or, are you simply so busy voting for Danny Gokey that you forget to leave me a precious comment? I have decided it is because I haven't been posting pictures. So, I will post more pics soon! But someone is a loyal commenter, and if you don't read her yet, YOU NEED TO. Trust me. For real, I am being silly, and I just want to say that I love ALL of your comments, and they make me really happy. So thank you :) I am watching Idol on DVR right now, so don't spill the beans. Adam has worked for Orem Fire Dept the last two days from 7 to 7 and somehow I am surviving pretty well. Must be all the prayers and angels. Adam told me I looked skinnier today. They fill you up like a balloon full of gas when they do the endo surgery, both in your abdominal cavity AND in your uterus. I wonder what that looked like. All I know is I have felt like one of those gross animals in shrek that they blow up into balloons since the surgery. Today I feel a lot less balloon-ish. I had to take Tristan to the doc. He's sick, not sleeping well, crying a lot, getting in top front teeth. I took ten minutes to get ready and gathered my little sick boy with blankeys and diaper bag. I had to walk across the parking lot, which felt like a marathon to me since I was carrying Tristan, blankeys, and diaper bag. When I got back in the docs room the nurse said, "I like your makeup, it is so natural and pretty. You look good." YES!!!!!!!!!!! I was so happy. So today I am skinnier and have pretty make up! I really like today.

The List

2009-03-30T23:26:00.008-06:00

( I just couldn't resist re-posting this older pic of tristan in the tub with me.)

Today I started to make a list in my head. It wasn't a good list. It wasn't a productive list. It was more like a "throw myself a pity party" list. I decided after a good long soak in the tub that I would make a different list. Instead of listing all the bad/hard/horrible/unfair/painful things I have experienced I have decided to make a list of all the wonderful/amazing/miracle/beautiful/funny/simple/perfect/easy to miss things.
Things I have experienced. The only problem with the good list vs the bad list is that it would be a lot easier to list all of the bad things, where with the good list it would be impossible for me to list them all. There have been so many good things. I recommend this to all of you. You don't have to post it or anything, but sometimes writing down the good things can really help. Keep the list somewhere, read it when you need it.

1. I am alive, on earth, and have faith and a testimony of the Gospel.

2. I have Adam, forever (this has SO many additional good things that I can not possibly list them all)

3. I have Tristan, forever (same as above)

4. I have people who love me, care about me, pray for me, fast for me and forgive me.

5. I have animals that adore me and are very well trained.

6. I have really straight teeth (post braces)

7. I have witnessed true miracles, seen things that few people have seen, and have a close relationship with Heavenly Father.

8. I survived west nile virus once

9. I overcame my fear of water, with LOTS of help.

10. I broke my nose during the swim portion of a half ironman and still finished the race.

11. My family in law is amazing.

12. I am smarter and more experienced because of the trials I have been through.

13. I can laugh.

14. I have a home and food and clothing and shelter and medicine and a jetted tub.

15. I escaped the world of drugs and alcohol before I became an addict, thanks mainly to the missionaries.

16. My brothers and Sister are all still alive. (Most of the miracles I have seen relate to this)

17. I have endometriosis and yet I was able to have a child.

18. My worst bad dream I have had in years was that everyone went deer hunting without me. When I told that to my husband he hugged and kissed me and promised he would never leave me.

19. I have diligently paid my tithing since my return to church and have witnessed MIRACLES because of it.

20. My husband LOVES his job and is home a lot.

21. My sister and my sister-in-law are my best friends (besides Adam) and I cherish every moment I have ever spent with them.

22. I love to read, and write.

23. There is so much.... I can't possibly sum it up. Maybe another Joe vs the Volcano reference will do: there Joe is, stuck in the middle of the ocean on his makeshift raft for weeks after the sailboat capsized. He is dehydrated, he is starving, he is going crazy, he feels lost and alone. And then suddenly he looks up at the moon. It is huge. He staggers to stand and throws his arms up in the air and musters out a few words, "It's so big, I never knew. Thank you. Thank you."

I think I will write the rest in my journal, they are very special to me.

Writing this list, while it is a bit silly and very obvious, actually helped me out today. Some of you are amazing and have it all put together and never need to have personal pow wows with yourself to overcome a hard day, or year, whatever. But my guess is that some of you are being a little too hard on yourself, like I tend to do, and I really think it helps to think about the good things.

Lynsie

My NEMESIS

2009-03-30T10:26:00.002-06:00

It's true, I have a nemesis. He/she is named Frito and is a black and white collie mix. Frito lives next door, but really Frito lives at my back fence line running back and forth, barking, digging holes and scratching my fence. Sometimes I wonder what this little dog has in mind once it actually makes it into my back yard where my two german shepherds wait hungrily, one of them schutzhund level III trained. This dog entered my life when I was pregnant, and therefore had narcolepsy and NEEDED constant naps. It would run the back fence and get every dog in the neighborhood barking and my tired pregnant hormonal body would call animal control at least 4 times a week. They finally gave me the animal control guys cell phone number. Apparently, Frito is animal control Officer Skinners' nemesis as well. He says he has spent the last 4 years trying to catch Frito. After Tristan was born we all know that he cried 38 hours a day and whenever he actually fell asleep I would fall asleep immediately, on the stairs or in the hallway or sometimes if I was lucky I would make to my bed or a couch. Right about then, Frito would come over and make a visit. My baby would wake up screaming from the dogs barking. We bought shock collars for our dogs, I went to Fritos owners house crying and begging them to keep it on a leash, explaining my situation. But, lo and behold, every day the dog would come again. My nemesis. I have been to court, sworn before a judge, and gave a testimony about this dog. The dogs owner has been issued a total of almost $1,500.00 in fines (not just from me) and yet, today, right now, the damn dog is running my back fence and every dog in the neighborhood is barking. I begged Adam to go outside and take a picture, but somehow since there is a tornado today (what's that all about anyways) he declined. What, oh what, shall I do with my nemesis? I am a true animal lover, but I must admit that I have tried to shoot this dog with my red rider bb gun. PLEASE, don't judge me. My brothers used to shoot me with their red riders all the time, it only hurts a little, mostly it just scares you. Anyways, it's funny, you are allowed to laugh at this post, I am laughing. Two days ago the neighbors put a for sale sign up. Maybe we could all pray that they sell their house quick? Is that bad? I think the icing on the cake of this story is that Saturday it was sunny and beautiful outside. I wanted to take Tristan and the dogs on a walk. (Which is a miracle since I have lived inside in my brown robe since January curled in a ball of pain crying.) I got dressed (BIG DEAL), loaded up Tristan in the jogger, let the dogs into the front yard, put their pokey metal choke chain collars on and was cleaning the lenses of my sunglasses while cringing like gollum from LOTR because it had been so long since I had seen the sun, and about to dig their leashes out of the back of the jogger when Butchy ran across the street about 100 yards in front of an oncoming vehicle. The white minivan pulled over, the windows rolled down, and a FIRE BREATHING DRAGON yelled to me, "DON'T YOU KNOW IT IS ILLEGAL TO HAVE YOUR DOGS OFF THE LEASH!!!" Butch is the most friendly dog on the planet and he galloped to her open window and jumped up and licked her face. I am sure she pooped her pants in fear. He left a scratch on her car. I laughed for about an hour. I am still laughing.

The Plan

2009-03-27T15:01:00.004-06:00

So, I am now officially on the "no plan" plan. I like the "no plan" plan, and I refuse to admit that it is actually a plan. Kinda like when I let my hair grow into dreadlocks and wore the same stinky dirty halter top patchwork dress and let my armpits and leg hair grow out for four years while I found magical ways to get $50.00 every single day for, well, lets just say if you know what costs $50 a day then you get my point. I did ALL of this while INSISTING I had no plan, when in actuality I was on the "no plan" plan. Do you get what I am saying here? My NEW "no plan" plan involves a lot more shaving and showering and wearing clean clothes. I am just going to wait and see what my next two cycles feel like before I decide to take any hormones or have any more surgeries or get pregnant again. I talked to my doc about it and he was really awesome and supportive. I still feel like I got ran over by a semi truck, but I am laughing a lot more now than a few days ago, that's gotta be good right? I do feel slightly guilty because I cried and asked Adam to call in sick for his two day shift in salt lake tomorrow. I just don't feel ready yet. Maybe I am being a baby. I just really want his help until I heal a little more. I can barely stand up or sit down without cringing and sometimes even crying. He is amazing. Did I mention yet that today he made me a cupcake size angel food cake with strawberry filling, fresh strawberries and a bunch of whipped topping, ALL BY HIMSELF WITHOUT ME EVEN ASKING FOR IT. These are good things ladies, but they also make me worry that he might be worried about me. I need to just quit worrying, really it is wasting my time. The doc asked me yesterday if I have been getting out much, and Adam answered for me, "NO, NEVER". The doc recommended some sunshine, which I interpreted into me going tanning today. While in the tanning booth I must admit I cried. This sounds funny, but bear with me... the song from the movie Ghost was playing, since I could only get KOZY 106.5 to play on the radio in there. The movie Ghost was one of my moms favs when we where little, but she would cry, a lot, and I never understood why. I think I was 7 when I realized that my dad died when I was little, and that that didn't happen to everyone else too. So, I know this is corny but I have been watching American Idol and I LOVE Danny Gokey (the guy that was recently widowed) and there I was sitting in the tanning bed crying over the song from the movie Ghost because I am finally old enough to understand why my mom cried when we watched it when we were little AND I have finally gone through enough in my life that I don't hate my dad for what he did. I understand. It wasn't right, but I understand how a person could be driven to that point and I thank the Lord every single day that I have the gift of the holy ghost to comfort me. Wow, I really got carried away there, what I was trying to say was I think Danny Gokey should sing the song from Ghost. And there you have it folks, the "almost so personal that you are embarrassed for me but also so personal that you feel like you can relate to me" post of the day. Man, I think I like this blogging stuff.

Hi, it's me, nice happy Lynsie...

2009-03-25T21:07:00.003-06:00

It's me again. I'm not mad, or mean, or sad or any other negative descriptive word for that matter. Unlike my last post. I am actually quite happy since Adam let me fall asleep on the couch with my heating pad at 7:30 and did all of Tristans night time routine and put him to bed and then came down and told me to go upstairs to bed. I know, he is amazing, and yes I am keeping him!

Today was hard, I feel like I got ran over by a semi truck, and I stopped taking the good pills so now I really really feel all the pain.

Tomorrow I go to the doc to figure out what plan we will go with as far as treatment for endometriosis. I really don't want to do Lupron (the one that is like fake menopause) and I really don't want to do continuous birth control with no placebo pills (that one is like fake pregnancy). I kinda just want to do nothing and see what happens . Maybe things will be better now that I had the surgery.

I talked to Adam about the third option that the doctors and a few of my friends who have endo have recommended; getting pregnant again. This is truly the only "cure" for endo besides a full hysterectomy. When you have endo it is really hard to get pregnant. Right after the surgery is the most fertile time and most women have relief from their endo for several years after each pregnancy. Obviously I am not most women, and ALL of the docs have commented on how odd it is that my endo would flare up so soon after being pregnant. I think I could MAYBE get pregnant again in the fall. MAYBE. I kinda only want one child because I am afraid I won't be able to handle two, since I barely handle the one I have. Adam feels the same way times infinity. I don't really want Tristan to be an only child, but he has lots of cousins that live really close. Am I dreaming? Would it really be easier to have two kids so they can entertain eachother?

I am scared of taking Lupron because I don't want to feel like I am going through a midlife crisis at 25 and get hot flashes and all those other fun menopausal symptoms. I am scared of getting on birth control because I am a fire breathing dragon when I am on it. I am so serious, I wish I had a picture... I don't really want to get pregnant right now because my "nursing wound" is STILL NOT HEALED, and I am still taking crazy people medication for my lovely friend "post pardem depression". My poor husband. He probably just wants his wife back. I want her back too.

Did any of you ever feel the same again after your first child? Is this just a standard phase that ALL women go through or am I somehow alone on this road? I am going to ask Adam to give me a Priesthood Blessing before the doctors appointment and just HOPE and PRAY for the right answer and for a confirmation that we will make the right choice. I always think about a certain conference talk by Elder Neal A. Maxwell. The entire thing really gets me, but part of it that I wanted to share with those of you who don't click over and read the whole thing is this;

"Therefore, true enduring represents not merely the passage of time, but the passage of the soul—and not merely from A to B, but sometimes all the way from A to Z. To endure in faith and doeth God’s will. (See D&C 63:20; D&C 101:35) therefore involves much more than putting up with a circumstance. Rather than shoulder-shrugging, true enduring is soul-trembling. Jesus bled not at a few, but “at every pore.” (D&C 19:18.)"

I have so much to be grateful for, and I am truly working on not just enduring my trials, but "enduring them well". Right this very second I am eating a mint chocolate chip milkshake. I think I am pretty blessed. I think my life is pretty dang good. I know I still have a few tough decisions ahead of me and who knows what else I have in store for me in this life experience, but I am going to choose to be happy and positive about life. Sometimes you might have to remind me I said I was gonna do that though :)
Lynsie

nothin

2009-03-24T10:45:00.005-06:00

I don't have anything that I feel like posting today. I hurt, I am coming off a two month long daily partaking of percocet for pain because they had to delay my surgery for so long. Every single bone in my body hurts, I feel nauseous and hot and cold. I still have pain in my pelvic area, and especially at my incision sites. Adam got home from work today, THANK THE LORD. The last two days where SO HARD. I cried in the bathroom a lot while my mother in law played with Tristan downstairs. I still have to catheter myself every time I pee. I bet you could have gone all day without thinking about that, sorry. I am just tired and I hurt and I don't want to go through withdrawals from a medicine that the lazy doc prescribed me just so he could go on vacation and postpone my surgery for a month. Now today I call the Dr office and ask, "how long am I supposed to be in pain from these surgerys?" The nurse answers, "up to 6 months". I ask, "can you prescribe me something for the pain?" She immediately treats me like I am a drug addict and tells me how addictive percocet is. First of all, I didn't ask for percocet, second of all I wouldn't be in this position if their doctor wouldn't have given me percocets since January and scheduled my surgery for march 17th, and last of all OF COURSE I KNOW THEY ARE ADDICTIVE..... I have been to so many damn funerals, including my own fathers, from deaths related to addiction. I don't want another bottle of percocet so I can get high. I want a pain reliever so I can hold my 7 month old, do the laundry, stand up and sit down without crying and have relief from the pain of having my appendix out, endometriosis burned off the inside of my body, a D&C and fibroid removal. Last time I checked those where legitimate things to hurt from. I am so damn sick of being treated like a drug addict. Maybe 5 years ago when 17 of my classmates died from overdose from heroin or oxycontin nurses and doctors should have been a little more careful who and what they where prescribing but COME ON, I just had major surgery. I just want pain relief. I am sick of being treated like a drug seeker. See, it would have been better if I would have posted nothing at all today. Sorry for the doom and gloom attitude. I promise I will be happy today. I promise.

so many classic picture opportunities.... so sad I didn't have the camera.

2009-03-19T11:01:00.003-06:00

Ok folks, I've asked you to use your imaginations before and now I must call upon you again to use those beautiful imaginations one more time:

1. Me walking around Harmons last night in scrunched up to my knees sweat pants, with a lovely catheter hanging at my side, mumbling to Adam and Tristan like " wow, that is an amazing product, we better get it" about things like mini automatic wisks and neo-to-go, etc-.

2. The millions of times I have forgotten that I have a catheter in and have it hooked to a non moving object as I get up and move really fast only to be reminded, in the most painful and humiliating ways, that I still must carry my urine around on my leg.

3. The dinner of redvines, mini snickers, swedish fish and peanut butter m-n-m's tossed together in one of the largest bowls we have in our house, that I ate while watching a TLC show about women who didn't know they where pregnant until they had the baby. Man, Adam said I was really upset about the show, and he had to turn it off and pry my candy away from me like I was a kid.

4. Tristan can crawl EVERYWHERE now. He even goes up stairs. He pulls himself into standing positions whenever possible, especially when he sees mommies special bag with the yellow stuff in it.

5. Tristan found a red peanut butter m-n-m this morning on the floor and we didn't notice until it was too late. New thing I learned from this: if they are being too quiet, they are doing something you don't want them to be doing. But, he looked SO DAMN CUTE covered in all the red from the candy. Ahhhhhhhh I love that boy!

6. Sam, our cat, has decided that he will now be an outside cat. Adam is allowing it. I will NOT let my cat (Frodo) go outside un-attended. When Sam gets done with whatever he was doing outside he honestly scratches on the front door, asking to be let back in.

7. Apparently, I woke in the night and went around the house looking for Sam, Adam was following me around, absolutely worried that I had gone nuts. I found Sam curled up on a blanket near the front door. I then told Adam to go to bed and I would take care of Sam for him. Then I stayed up until 3:45 AM holding the cat. That has got to be one of the weirdest things I have ever done!

Okay, now that you have imagined so many lovely pictures that coulda, woulda, shoulda I will give you an update on how we are all doing, post surgery:

I found out yesterday that the GYN did not do anything inside me that would prevent me from having another child, but that chances are we will not be able to due to anatomical things. I have to go to the Urologist tomorrow and remove my catheter. (I'm kinda sad about that, I absolutely love peeing wherever and whenever I please.) He will see if he can fix my bladder/urethra issues. I still have a lot of things to do post surgery to prevent the Endo from coming back. The doc said there were some parts that he just could not remove. Lupron is our best bet, then be on the pill continuously, no sugar pills. (that means NO periods) If those things don't work for me, then I will have a total hysterectomy.

Believe it or not, I am pretty happy today. I got to feed Tristan, carry him on my shoulders, sleep in, my cars A/C is getting fixed for free and I have an excuse to wear hideous and comfortable clothes for a few more days. I honestly feel better than before the surgery, besides the swelling and the incision sites. Happy Happy Joy Joy
xoxo
Lynsie

Out of surgery and HOME SWEET HOME!

2009-03-17T18:55:00.004-06:00

Tristan likes to blog too

How freakin cute is his little tushy?

I gave him a red licorice and let him go wild. It was fun!

This is me after the surgery

This is me before the surgery ( and yes, I did cut and color my hair, and it is really cute when I am not at the hospital, I promise!

I had an appendectomy done laproscopically, I had a D&C and fibroid removal done laproscopically. Surgery was like 6 hours. When I woke up I was in intense pain because I could not urinate. It took 8 nurses and a Dr to get me a catheter. They say that in addition to the significant endo that they found they discovered an anatomical defect of my urethra (please feel free to insert a king of the hill comment here.) So I was sent home with a folley cath and have an apt with the OB/GYN at 11:40 tomorrow. I will then be referred to a urologist. YAY, CAN'T WAIT. One thing that is confusing to me is the paperwork they sent me home with. It says he ended up doing an ablation inside of my uterus. This would mean that I can never have another child. I am okay with that, but that is not what we talked about so I am looking forward to figuring that out. My throat hurts like crazy from being intubated.

My family and ward have already brought hugs, yummy food, love, help, and one very special song that I would like to share with you now: The artist is Rachelle Call and the song is "Something Wonderful"

Something wonderful is waiting
To embrace you, I know
When you're tired and feel like fading
And there's nowhere left to go
When tears are falling down
And your heart is on the floor
Keep on walking my friend
Cause something wonderful
Is right outside your door

Something wonderful awaits you
To take you where dreams have never gone
And though you're still in this moment
Holding on...just holding on
And no one knows what you've been through
Or gone a mile in your shoes
Keep on walking my friend
Cause something wonderful is waiting for you

When the walls come down around you
And you want to throw the fight
And the mighty wind surrounds you
On an unforgiving night
Keep looking up to heaven
And you will see the light
And all the reasons why
Something wonderful is waiting to embrace you
And although your heart is on the floor
Keep on walking my friend
Cause something wonderful is right outside your door
Something wonderful is right outside your door

xoxo,

Lynsie

what's the buzz, tell me whats a-happening

2009-03-09T20:04:00.003-06:00

Strange, but true, one of my fav movies is J.C. Superstar. I find the title of the movie difficult to say out loud, let alone write in my blog. (I guess it feels sacrilegious or something.) But, none-the-less, I love that movie, play, soundtrack, etc-. One of the main songs repeats over and over "what's the buzz, tell me whats a-happening". So, this song is stuck in my head and I know I need to update my blog and I actually have a few moments while Tristan is napping and Adam is playing Call of Duty 4 online. First of all, THANK YOU for all of you care and concern and prayers. We really do appreciate them and need and love each one of you. I found out yesterday that my surgery will be on Tuesday morning at 5:30 AM. First surgery of the day, that's gotta be good, right? And I will be having my appendix removed, all of the endometrial tissues that are in the wrong places cut off and cauterized, my right ovary separated from my bladder (the endo scar tissue has made it stick together like glue. I will also have a myoectomy, which is just a fancy way of saying he will cut out the fibroid in my uterus. Then I get a lovely D&C, if you don't know what that is just be grateful you don't have to. I will wake up and be in pain, but everything is planned to be done laproscopically so I shouldn't have any big scars. After the surgery we will discuss how bad the endo was, and the likelihood of a reoccurring surgery, etc- as well as have the fibroid sent in to confirm it is not cancerous. If things look pretty "normal" as far as Endo goes then I just have to start taking Lupron injections and a progesterone pill. If I don't react well to those then we have a few options (I've tried every birth control on the planet and I honestly turn into the wicked witch of the west on them, seriously I feel like it should be illegal to have me on them. You might think I am joking, but I honestly threw a rotting apple that I found on the floor in my car out the window and at the windshield of a lady that cut me off on state street last time I was on the pill. HONESTLY.) Anyways, if I don't react well to the hormones then we will try to get pregnant again. Pregnancy is actually one of the best treatments for Endo, it is just really hard to get pregnant when you have it. If we successfully have another baby, then I will have a full hysterectomy afterwards. That's the plan. I feel like I can live with that plan.
Now, back to J.C. Superstar: when Adam and I were first dating I brought him to my friend George's house to watch a movie. George had dreadlocks down to his butt, he and his friends sat around rolling cigarettes and drinking 40's and singing along to every single song in the movie. Adam was astounded, to say the least. I had a lot of fun. When we left that night Adam asked me if I would be hurt terribly if he asked me never to hang out with them again. I agreed, but they did come to our wedding reception! Secondly, have you ever seen Along Came Polly? Right now I am so moody and emotional and in pain and taking narcotics and just very very dramatic. The other night Adam asked me if I would please quit trying to play Jesus and Judas (in other words, stop being the star of the show). I died laughing. Maybe even sharted a little. (Just kidding, that is so gross but if you have seen along came polly then please please tell me you laughed and you got that joke)
XOXO
Lynsie

waiting is, well, really hard for me

2009-03-06T09:01:00.004-07:00

I have to wait until monday now to find out when my surgery will be. I am getting more nervous and upset with each waiting moment. At least Adam is home today. I am really sick of pain medicine. I miss the clarity and raw, unclouded thoughts of sobriety. I am really really sick of waiting. Hmmmm, maybe this is one of those millions of times that God has tried to teach me patience. Maybe if I actually learn it right this time he will leave me alone, at least leave the patience lessons alone. HA, who am I kidding, right? I am going to have a good day. I AM GOING TO HAVE A GOOD DAY. I AM GOING TO HAVE A GOOD DAY! There, now I will go have a good day. You should too. :)

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

2009-03-03T10:21:00.004-07:00

(Just FYI, this is a total journal entry, don't feel obligated to read it if it bores you.)

Yesterday I had a visit with Dr Holmes. My first visit back to him since I abruptly left his care during my pregnancy. I had planned a beautiful hypno-birthing and I felt like he was not being as supportive as the pages in my instruction manual said my doula or midwife or, heaven forbid, doctor should be to a prospective hypno mom. Anyways, with delusions of grandeur I went out and found a doctor that was willing to humor me about my birth plan. Of course, I ended up with lesser care, an office staff full of useless teenage girls with attitude problems and a really really nice and competent doctor, but not Dr Holmes. We all know I had 38 hours of labor, 9 natural and then I had to get pictocen and begged for an epidural. Tristans little heart rate kept on dropping, he was also face forward. When I finally delivered him I ended up looking like something from the side of the highway. My doctor fixed me up nicely and unfortunately I kept seeing her for Tristan and had the worst nursing advice a brand new mother could ever get every time I would call. (which was admittedly a few times each day for the first two weeks or so.) Anyways, once I finally got Tristan to a pediatrician, we got him diagnosed with GERD and our life became livable again. I thought about Dr Holmes a lot. I wondered how things would have gone if I would have just stayed with him. I know, hindsight is 20/20. I felt embarrassed that I had such high expectations of what being a mom, and delivering a baby would be like. Wow, was I wrong. After the shock wore off and the dust settled I finally started to feel like I could accept everything that had happened and move on. Then I got sick. Not so much "cough due to cold" sick, more like "I feel like I am in labor again" sick. My pelvic area started really hurting. After my "aunt flo" returned from the wonderful vacation of pregnancy and breastfeeding I knew something was wrong. I also knew that meant I would need Dr Holmes again. (He was my Dr for 12 years before I had Tristan, and he has helped with all my weird girl stuff problems.) But, I was scared to call him. Stupid, I know. So I went to a slew of Drs that had no idea. Really long story short..... yesterday I was giving my Dr Holmes a huge hug and bawling on his shoulder while I begged forgiveness for leaving and he laughed and smiled and said he knew I would be back and he was just happy that I was okay and that nothing can replace experience and some people like to learn the hard way (ME). I am so happy to be back with the Dr that knows and understands me and my silly neurotic ways. We don't know for sure if I will need a hysterectomy, but it is definitely one of our best options if the endometriosis is bad. I can't believe I am 25 and facing these decisions. I am scared, but at the same time I feel happy, even brave. I have support, and understanding, and best of all I have Tristan. Most women with endo don't ever get pregnant. So, anyways, I have been thinking about this a lot lately.

Tristan Can Crawl!!!

2009-03-02T11:23:00.005-07:00

Wow, look how cool Tristan looks! He must know how to crawl now or something!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you Tristans Crawling Debut!

(Yes, of course he is crawling to the most dangerous object in our house.)

Look closely

2009-02-28T09:52:00.005-07:00

Tristan has this new thing he has been doing. At first it freaked me out. I thought he was blind, or having a hard time seeing things. He keeps holding objects right up next to his eyes, like pressed against his nose. He especially likes doing this with bright flashy things or mirrors. It is kinda strange but 100% adorable. Adam got home from work today and saw it for the first time. He laughed.....mainly at me for thinking he was blind. Adam says Tristan is just looking closely.

Oh yeah, yesterday Tristan fell off our bed. It was a tragedy. I was heartbroken. I felt like the most horrible person on the planet. He was of course just fine but that didn't stop him from crying like he was in agony. I cried. Hard. I called Adam at work to tell him and see what I should check on Tristan. Adam gave me the paramedic run down but there was something weird about the way he did it......it seemed like he was MAD at ME. He spoke in one word sentences and very cold and distant. I was horrified. I hung up and cried even harder than Tristan. I got him and I both calmed down and said a little prayer. It did feel like it was my fault, I mean of course it was my fault, but why would Adam be mad at me about it. I was so confused. I stewed about it for hours. Eventually I ended up mad. MAD at HIM. I sent a three page text message. It felt horrible and rotten even though I wasn't mean in what I wrote, just really raunchy. He immediately called me back. I didn't answer. I waited an hour before I even checked the voicemail. WOW. He was apologizing and so sincere. He explained that the chief of the entire Fire Department was there and he was trying to keep it together because he was so worried about Tristan and I and trying to get home as fast as he could to fix us and help us. He was so sincere, and I had spent half of my day mad at him. It was a real eye opener for me. I guess sometimes when you feel guilty about something you actually punish yourself much more than anyone else does. I am so lucky to have Adam. Next time, I just need to look a little closer. ;)

Teefers and doctors

2009-02-26T10:44:00.003-07:00

Tristan got two teefers! (thats teeth, incase you didn't know) His bottom two broke through yesterday. They are so dang cute! I have tried and tried to snap a picture of them but so far all I have done is get applesauce and rice cereal all over the camera. Shucks. Anyhoo, my surgery has been postponed until next week sometime. I chose to postpone it. I was having a lot of second thoughts about the Dr and his staff. I was referred there by the ER but I just didn't feel right about it. Come to find out that my instincts where right on. They were going to have the guy who delivered me 25 years ago do my surgery, AND HE WAS NOT GOING TO DO IT LAPROSCOPICALLY! Seriously. He was gonna chop a big giant hole in me and do it the old fashioned way. In the old days didn't they make women sit on haystacks and call them witches when they had their periods? Come on, it is 2009 now! We have tiny surgical instruments that can be inserted into the belly button leaving behind virtually no scarring. Anyways, I am now seeing a different doctor and I feel a lot more comfortable here. They still think it is endometriosis and they still want to do the surgery to diagnose and treat it. I will know more on Monday. For now I am just keeping the Tampax company in business during this hard time in the economy. How nice of me, hu?

whats been ailin me?

2009-02-23T20:24:00.002-07:00

Apparently, endometriosis. Seriously. I am having surgery on Wed or Thursday this week. crazy

I want to start a Moms Club Orem/Provo Chapter

2009-02-21T21:30:00.004-07:00

A friend of mine used to be a member of a salt lake chapter of the moms club. She always had such great things to say about it. She moved down here and wants to start a new chapter and asked if I knew any cool moms. Here is her description of what the club is like:

"Moms Club is ran by a board of volunteers, moms. We do a newsletter each month and plan weekly activities. We plan play groups a couple times a week, a moms night out once a month, a book club, a cooking club and anything else we want to do. I loved having other moms to get advice from or to give advice to. All of a sudden, you realize you aren’t the only one struggling with certain issues! I loved it because although my hubby is a great listener and is so supportive, some things husbands just don’t get so I loved having other moms that I could relate to."

Look at the website. It’s the International Moms Club website, http://momsclub.com/ I think it would be a great idea and would absolutely LOVE to have an excuse to see each of you more often. I imagine that we could structure it however we wanted, do more or less activities, etc-. I really want to teach an exercise class once a week at my house. I would love to start a book club, and I know there are more than a few of you that could teach me how to cook better! Send me a quick email back to let me know if you are interested or not. If you are interested, I will do more work and put together some sign up sheets and get back to you. If not, don't worry I won't be offended :)

We are going to try to have a planning meeting/meet and greet next saturday. (very tentative) Let me know if you are interested and I can keep you updated!

Just a side note: some of the info on the main website for MOMS club tends to assume that everyone is a stay at home mom. I know from personal experience that you can be an AMAZING mom and still work. Sometimes working mothers need support groups even more! So don't let any of that make you feel excluded. We don't discriminate! :)

XOXO
Lynsie

Reno 911

2009-02-18T11:18:00.002-07:00

Yesterday I had a fire engine outside my house, and went to the emergency room.

"Whaaaaaaaaat?"

Let me start over. Yesterday I was planning a wonderful lunch with Cecile and her kids at Costa Vida. T and I got ourselves all ready to go (about a 45 minute ordeal) an loaded up in the Subaru. I even went so far as to re-load the stroller (which we forgot to put back in after I threw it out in a panic when Butchy hurt his foot and I had to take him to the Vet last week, and which we dearly missed on Presidents day when we found ourselves at the mall with a 25 pound Tristan and car seat combination) Anyways, after loading the stroller I jumped in and turned the key only to hear the "click click click" of a dead battery. Great..... So, me being the true mechanic that I am, I called Cecile and asked her to come over so I could get a jump start. I then put the sub in neutral and started rolling it out of the garage. (We do have a 2 car garage, but we have SO MUCH CRAP in there that only one car fits) I got about halfway out the garage when I met the deadly combination of my high heels and the lovely garage tile. (our garage was once someones homemade family room, long story) So I stopped, now wet and frustrated, and decided to change my shoes. Bad idea.... from then on my car would not go back into neutral no matter what I did. It was stuck, half in the garage half out. Cecile showed up shortly after this and we decided to try to squeeze her car in next to mine and hope and pray that the cables reached. Ha! It was brilliant! Cecile should drive for nascar, she was amazing behind the wheel. She and her kids where stuck in the car, sandwiched between my car and the garage wall and tristan was starting to cry. I correctly positioned the cables and told cecile to rev it up and... nothing. Try again, redo cables, rev engine... nothing. Babies crying all over the place, naptimes getting dreadfully closer and closer, pants ruined, hands blackened, swearwords said... and then I gave up and sent them on their way. Fed T and put him to nap. Called Adam and related what happened. Two seconds later... RENO 911. Orem city Fire Dept is outside my house. My face is as red as that stupid engine. Of course I know how to jump start a car! I can change a U joint on the side of a dusty high way with nothing but a flat head screw driver for heavens sake! But, none of this matters as Adam and the rest of his station stand around my car and mutter things like, "I think it could be this... we should try that... it is obviously this..." in "guy voices". Neighbors are peeking out their windows, I am totally embarrassed. They jump start my car in two seconds flat. I kiss that handsome man in uniform, making HIM blush a little!, and watch the engine drive away. It was sort of romantic now that I look back at it. :) Later that evening, my pelvic pain hit maximum capacity and, worried that it may be my appendix, I had my bro drive me to the ER. Cat scan and puke bucket later they say it is not my appendix. It must be the uterine fibroid. I make it home around 11. No sleep. Worried about uterus. Really want at least one more baby..... :( Now I am on pain pills and waiting for an appt with a specialist. Lucky you! Now you get really fun, long and interesting stories ala percocet! Lots of drama, no commercials. Even better than Reno 911.

xoxo

Lynsie

wash hair, shave armpits

2009-02-16T13:37:00.003-07:00

Adam is home today. FOR AN ENTIRE 24 HOURS! You know what that means? That means I can do whatever I want (within reason, of course). So, he asks me what I want to do today and I answer, "wash hair, shave armpits".

WOW

These are my goals and aspirations? These are my dreams? These are the things I have been waiting for 3 long days to do? What has happened to me?
I remember a time when I used to answer with something amazing like, "ride my bike to park city" or "swim 3 miles" or "go running for a couple of hours". I was always training for some race, always working on some goal. Where exactly does "wash hair, shave armpits" fit in? I might need to work on that. Although, some of you may recall a time when washing my hair and shaving would have made my mother cry with joy, probably my boyfriend too. Hehehehe. But, here I sit with wet hair and I must admit; damn it feels good!

Have you ever met someone that seems to fall for every gimmick and scheme? I have long prided myself for not being one of them, and I have long teased Adam for his gullable ways. I must admit that I fell victim to the greatest scheme of all... Kmart advertising. I went there to buy some twin xtra long bedding (for the fire station) and found myself putting just about everything under 5$ from every single end display into my shopping cart. What on earth was I thinking? About halfway through my shopping spree of idiotic items like mini mouthwashes and fancy lint brushes I ended up stashing most of the items back on the shelf (the wrong shelf I might add, sorry Kmart). But I did end up with one impulse item in my cart. I purchased a body wash that read, "energizing mint explosion". Who wouldn't buy that? Come on! I must admit that I put so much faith into that bottle of soap that todays shower was a great big let down. I looked at the bottle with disgust as I realized that I was just as tired and worn out as before, only now slightly dryer and filmier (cheap soap). I looked around my shower and noticed pink spots everywhere (remains of the semi permanent hair color fading away) and little false eyelashes (remains of the other idiotic impulse item I fell for last week) and suddenly thought of larry the cable guy jokes and found myself giggling and laughing at myself. (side note: hair color is amazing and I can't believe I have come this far in my life without knowing that. I love semi permanent hair color!)

It seems like everyone wants what they don't have. Sam always wants to go outside and butch always wants to come inside. But the second I give them what they so desperately want they are begging for the comfort of their routine. I can relate. The other day I was away from tristan for almost 8 hours. That is a first. And I had an anxiety attack. I was seeing and hearing babies everywhere. I had to come home early just to smell his sweet little sleeping head full of hair.

Today I think I needed to have a minute to just be Lynsie, not mommy, not wifers, not sisser, just Lynsie. So maybe "wash hair, shave armpits" was enough.

Next week, IRONMAN!

under the weather

2009-02-13T08:37:00.002-07:00

tired, nauseous, headache, body aches, itchy eyes, stuffy nose, sore throat..... did I mention tired??? Tristan is well, Adam is well, all the animals are well.... it's just me. I must have a "brain cloud".

Has anybody seen naptime?

2009-02-02T16:12:00.012-07:00

We decided it was time to change Tristans bed situation since he is moving around so much these days. I didn't feel right about having him pretty much strapped down for 11 hours each night. What if he wanted to roll to one side? I do that a million times a night and I know I would be upset if I was strapped in. So, anyways, Adam took the matress off the angle and changed the sheet and we are back to a normal crib. There is only one problem, now the crib is Tristans FAVORITE play area. Looks like he really did want to move around in there! He won't nap and he has to be extremely tired at night so he "forgets" that he is not strapped in and falls asleep. This makes for a really tired mommy. I am so tempted to get the wedge and sling sheet back out. Geeesh...... if he wasn't so dang cute.......well, you take a look, tell me if you could possibly be mad at this little guy:

Tristan has had an ear infection, is teething, and got his shots. Butchy cut his foot really bad and we had to go to the vet and get all bandaged up. He is also on antibiotics. I feel kinda like a nurse/pharmacist.

I have been to the Doc a few times myself..... still not sure whats going on. I am having hot flashes. Yes, hot flashes. We are checking my hormone levels and I had a sweet ultrasound today. They found fibroids on my uterus. Wow, menopause at 25??? Really???? I hope not....
Also, today I called the furnace guys because I thought it smelled like gas, turns out we have had a gas leak for a few weeks. It was small, but could definitely be one of the reasons I have been feeling sick.

I love the rain. I wish it was rainy all the time, but warm rain... like in St George. Sometimes I wish we lived there still. It will always be my "escape" place. Adam and I will vacation there later this month. Someday I want a tin roof. A green tin roof, to be exact. It would make for lovely acoustics in a rain storm.

Maybe I could experiment with getting Tristan babysat this month. I have to take pain pills for a few days, maybe I would be relaxed enough to actually let someone else help me! Intereviews will begin today at noon! :)

Last but not least, here is a progress report on Tristans crawling: HE ROCKS! GO BABY GO!

Gone to the dogs

2009-02-02T08:35:00.003-07:00

As most of you know I have two german shepherds. The problem is that they are both EXTREMELY well behaved. Why is this a problem? Well, I really want the dog whisperer to come over. I don’t know what it is…. Maybe it is his accent, maybe it is his dog “daddy” that he brings with him all the time, maybe it is the chance to be on tv, maybe it’s his homemade rollerblades…. I just know I want Cesar Milan to come over. I saw an episode of the the Dog Whisperer where Cesar went to a ladys house because her dog was named Cesar. Hmmmmm, I could rename Butch. Adam might not like it, but imagine Butchy when he is rollerblading with Cesar down 600 North. It would be worth it……. It could happen……. July does have some bad habits. She smells pretty bad. Sometimes you have to tell her to come or sit in Spanish or german (she is trilingual, and OLD and sometimes forgets English). That is definitely bad enough for a tv show, right? If only it was the Cat Whisperer…. Sam and Frodo are both bad bad bad cats. Just ask Cecile. Sam has “attacked” her and her kids more than once. (actually he just really likes Cecile and always tries to jump up on her shoulders and it kinda scares her, but he really does have it out for Talan, poor kid!) He is definitely in the “red zone”. And Frodo is lacking a pack leader. I have tried and tried but he just doesn’t submit. He is sure that he is the pack leader, and he has both the shepherds convinced too. The cats could both benefit from a few weeks of boot camp at the dog psychology center in LA. Cesar, if you are out there, please come to my house. I make really good cookies.

(Oh yes I did put a link to a video that plays the song "who let the dogs out")

The Labrynth Worm

2009-01-27T21:19:00.007-07:00

So, as I mentioned before I love the movie Labrynth. The other morning I happened to wake up to quite the suprise. Tristan had the most adorable messed up hair that reminded me of something but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.... I thought and thought and then it hit me! He looked like the worm from the labrynth! I took pictures with my phone, so they are not the highest quality and you will have to click on a link to see them but here they are....

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=30283186&l=a5178&id=1048167065

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=30283185&l=5c742&id=1048167065

And just to refresh your memory on the labrynth worm, go to
http://youtube.com/watch?v=f2xVZiGOw-o&search=labyrinth)

We have decided that tristan MUST be this worm for halloween next year. This made my day! I LOVE YOU TRISTAN!

(sorry for the rerun for all my facebook friends, but I know you will laugh again when you see these anyways!)

because really... all you need is love!

feels like spring

Moms surgery day/ my b day

good boy, bood goy!

efforts at domestication

"okay, okay"

work through the pain

the wardrobe refashion pledge

settled in

welcome home!

the zen of coping

leave me alone, i'm lonely ;)

bulldog for hire

right side up?

upside down

wowzers!

happy thoughts

super volcanic

go crazy!

pics!

must have home decor

my baby

Dear Crest (a letter to an ex)

i'm worried this might be catching...

a new link for Abbie Warnock Photography (that works)

smile

see the silver lining in everything in your life... it's up to you!

on an even more personal note...

"goodbye, that's all she wrote..."

my virtual tour

drumroll please.................

number two: Swallows

Ummm hold the posts!

I don't think your ready for this jelly...

Do you remember?

So far so good!!!

the update

Another Story...

Think of Niagra Falls, a fast moving river, a faucet running...

I just... ATE a bug!

summerfest

It happened.

So much to do

really???? are you joking???

you have got to be kidding me

what a day

tristan; the super model!

FINALLY... shoes that actually fit Tristan and stay on!!!

losing my "keys'

Purses update

How are you doing?

GIVEAWAY ON MY PURSE BLOGSITE!!!

"...somedays I sit and wish I was a kid again..."

Purses By Lynsie

EXIT ONLY part 2

7 years of Wedded Bliss

A Story

Fireproof

Cock-a-doodle doo!

Pajamas, Poland and Pills

Exit Only

Okay, NEW POST

Vertigo

Where'd you go?

Oh my goodness...

My new "quote"

It's that time again

Just thinking about all the paths my little feet have trodden...

Here comes the sun!!!!!

WIDE AWAKE

My little ray of sunshine

It's gonna be okay

the little engine that could...

Basket Case *(Warning contains baby tristan nudity)*

Oh the places you will go...

Tristans Turn:

I know I promised, but...

Promise more pics next post

The List

My NEMESIS

Basket Case (Warning contains baby tristan nudity)