right side up?

i believe i left you hanging... (hope your arms didn't get too tired)

saturday morning last week i got an email explaining that the buyers had backed out on our house. i was emotional and i felt really confused. it was one of those moments when i wondered what on earth was going to happen to us. all of my delicately placed walls were tumbling down around me. it's funny what you use as your cornerstone sometimes. i guess i had built this new future around a new house and had this unrealistic perspective that i couldn't really start living until that piece was in place. now i know what i SHOULD use as my cornerstone when building a future for my family (God, Love, Family, Christ...) and i didnt intentionally start building a "house upon the sand" but non-the-less i did. and the walls came tumbling down...

what would a wiseman do? i am pretty sure he wouldnt cry himself into an anxiety attack and decide that since one single thing has gone wrong now every single thing will go wrong. i bet he wouldnt hyperventilate over fears (warranted or not) that he made the wrong choice having a surgery that might leave him unbalanced and barren for the rest of his life. probably wouldnt let the fear of what life might be like, because he is one of only a handful of 26 year old women without their uterus, bring him to his knees in desperate prayer over and over again even after he has felt comforted. i must not be the wiseman...

i must be more like laman and lemuel... ;)

although i let the news shake me WAY harder than i should have, i can honestly say that i have recovered. who cares? we can stay here, we can sell, we can live off government cheese in a van down by the river as long as i choose to be happy and show love to my family. THAT is the reason i did the surgery, and THAT is the thing i have to remind myself every single day.

my husband, who is luckily a paramedic, told me later that this was one of my worst anxiety attacks ever. (i have severe panic disorder but i have been working on it with hypnosis and relaxation for about 4 years now. i used to take meds during the attacks because they can turn into seizures, but the meds have narcotics in them and when i quit the pain pills after my surgery i threw all my anti-anxiety pills away.) adam held me and coached me through it. he got me to slow down my breathing and then told me to imagine this:

imagine you are in the uinta mountains. you have on your favorite hiking boots and a backpack that is comfortably packed with anything you might need. you have a compass and a map and all the time in the world. you know you are safe. the weather is beautiful. you get to decide where you want to camp. you can hike ANYWHERE. there is NO wrong trail. no matter where you go, you will still be in the uintas, still be safe, still have your map and compass and everything you need to survive. sometimes you will feel scared for a minute and that is fine, just remember that you wanted to go hiking. look around you, see the amazing and beautiful things that God put here just for you. thank him. take time to pray. you are not lost. you are safe. you are growing and learning and traveling.

even just writing that again i started to cry.

he is my compass... i know i have said it before, but he honestly guides me back whenever i feel lost or scared. he is so sensitive and close to the Spirit. my guiding light...

i havent written because i didnt have anything to say. nothing has changed but my attitude. it seems a little embarrassing, rereading my blog posts, how often i am taught this lesson and dont seem to learn it. at least i can eventually be made to change my attitude. it could always be worse ;) its just humbling to see how often i talk about changing my attitude. wish i could incorporate that in the moment BEFORE i freak out and make a little girl outta myself.

we live and learn, right?

upside down? right side up? does it really matter as long as you know who you are, where you came from and where you are striving to return to? (now that sounds like a more stable cornerstone!) i'll build on that, and report back later.

love,
lynsie