It's one thirty in the morning. I just finished talking with Adam. I finally broke down and did the whole "what if" thing.
-What if we could somehow get pregnant?
-What if surgery changes me forever?
-What if there is another child for us?
It hurt my heart. I laid there in bed for about two hours with my heart racing. I finally woke adam up by saying, "honey, should we try to get pregnant."
He shot straight up in bed, the way I had always imagined he would wake up at the firestation when he heard the tones go off.
I have the sweetest, most patient and kind husband. He is so amazing. He listened, held me while I cried a little bit, soothed my aching little heart and helped me to get a hold of all my emotions and thoughts and nerves and just to CALM DOWN. It was really nice.
I guess I just had to actually know that I had given it a real, honest, clear and complete thought. And I did, we did. We talked about it a lot. For a long time. It was great because we talked so honestly about everything. We examined the situation for all the different things it could possibly be, Adam entertaining some of my "creative" anxiety driven worries. We asked ourselves some really hard questions.
What we came up with was a warm solution. It just fit. It was so strange and emotional and then so peaceful. I imagined the stories I had heard in church when I was little about when the spirit tells you something and if it is good you will feel it inside. If it is not, you won't.
We felt it, the peace of a sure answer. The armor of confidence, support, love, honesty and commitment.
We are doing the surgery.
I KNOW it will be okay, and that someday I will get the chance to be a mommy again.
I will be the best damn mommy in the world to Tristan... he will be blessed and happy and loved.
I will be good to myself, and love Adam and follow him as he leads our family. He is so amazing.
I will not look backwards, I will move forward. I will not have any regrets.
At least, this is what my heart tells me, and this is what I want.
love,
lynsie
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4 comments:
Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you. You are blessed to have such a wonderful family supporting you! Thank you for sharing your journey - I know that it isn't always easy to do.
God bless!
I don't know how I found your blog but I wanted to tell you I've been thinking about you and hope everything goes well with your surgery. I'm glad you have felt peace about your decision. I'll be praying for you!
"Those" conversations can be so hard, but so worth it in the end. I am so glad you came to your decision and feel at peace about it. Good luck with everything.
Lynsie, I agree with you. You WILL be a mom again and it sounds like you are doing the right thing.
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