It's me again. I'm not mad, or mean, or sad or any other negative descriptive word for that matter. Unlike my last post. I am actually quite happy since Adam let me fall asleep on the couch with my heating pad at 7:30 and did all of Tristans night time routine and put him to bed and then came down and told me to go upstairs to bed. I know, he is amazing, and yes I am keeping him!
Today was hard, I feel like I got ran over by a semi truck, and I stopped taking the good pills so now I really really feel all the pain.
Tomorrow I go to the doc to figure out what plan we will go with as far as treatment for endometriosis. I really don't want to do Lupron (the one that is like fake menopause) and I really don't want to do continuous birth control with no placebo pills (that one is like fake pregnancy). I kinda just want to do nothing and see what happens . Maybe things will be better now that I had the surgery.
I talked to Adam about the third option that the doctors and a few of my friends who have endo have recommended; getting pregnant again. This is truly the only "cure" for endo besides a full hysterectomy. When you have endo it is really hard to get pregnant. Right after the surgery is the most fertile time and most women have relief from their endo for several years after each pregnancy. Obviously I am not most women, and ALL of the docs have commented on how odd it is that my endo would flare up so soon after being pregnant. I think I could MAYBE get pregnant again in the fall. MAYBE. I kinda only want one child because I am afraid I won't be able to handle two, since I barely handle the one I have. Adam feels the same way times infinity. I don't really want Tristan to be an only child, but he has lots of cousins that live really close. Am I dreaming? Would it really be easier to have two kids so they can entertain eachother?
I am scared of taking Lupron because I don't want to feel like I am going through a midlife crisis at 25 and get hot flashes and all those other fun menopausal symptoms. I am scared of getting on birth control because I am a fire breathing dragon when I am on it. I am so serious, I wish I had a picture... I don't really want to get pregnant right now because my "nursing wound" is STILL NOT HEALED, and I am still taking crazy people medication for my lovely friend "post pardem depression". My poor husband. He probably just wants his wife back. I want her back too.
Did any of you ever feel the same again after your first child? Is this just a standard phase that ALL women go through or am I somehow alone on this road? I am going to ask Adam to give me a Priesthood Blessing before the doctors appointment and just HOPE and PRAY for the right answer and for a confirmation that we will make the right choice. I always think about a certain conference talk by Elder Neal A. Maxwell. The entire thing really gets me, but part of it that I wanted to share with those of you who don't click over and read the whole thing is this;
"Therefore, true enduring represents not merely the passage of time, but the passage of the soul—and not merely from A to B, but sometimes all the way from A to Z. To endure in faith and doeth God’s will. (See D&C 63:20; D&C 101:35) therefore involves much more than putting up with a circumstance. Rather than shoulder-shrugging, true enduring is soul-trembling. Jesus bled not at a few, but “at every pore.” (D&C 19:18.)"
I have so much to be grateful for, and I am truly working on not just enduring my trials, but "enduring them well". Right this very second I am eating a mint chocolate chip milkshake. I think I am pretty blessed. I think my life is pretty dang good. I know I still have a few tough decisions ahead of me and who knows what else I have in store for me in this life experience, but I am going to choose to be happy and positive about life. Sometimes you might have to remind me I said I was gonna do that though :)
Lynsie
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Lynsie, I don't really even know you but I love reading your blog because it is so personal, so REAL, so raw. To answer your question...No, I don't feel like the same person after having Ezra and I don't think I ever will. I went from being an independant working girl to working at home for a baby who is wholly dependant on me. I feel like I lost my past identity and am now another person. This is sad at times but I guess changing roles is a part of life. We go from baby, to child, to teenager, to college co-ed, to wife, to mother, to empty-nester, to grandmother, to dust. Each faze has it's ups and downs. And I'll the first to say that this first-time motherhood thing is awful hard and you are not alone in thinking that you may only be made of the stuff to handle one kid and have a husband who thinks the same times infinity.
My sister went on Lupron before she ended up having a hysterectomy. I am not sure how she felt while she was on it, but if you have any questions I am sure she would be happy to talk to you. It may help you to have some more insight in making your decisions.
Also, I am really happy that my blog helped you a little. The thought of having two kids is pretty scary to me still so if you end up making that decision just know that I think it is scary even if you think you are ready. :) When Cohen was 9, 10 even 11 months, the thought of getting pregnant again and having another baby was overwhelming and not at all appealing. Then just before his first birthday things clicked and we felt good about things and knowing it could take a while we decided to try for another. Our original plan was to wait longer, I am not sure what changed. Anyway, I am pretty overwhelmed with Cohen most days and feeling sick doesn't help. I think having another will probably be really hard for a good few months, but I hope once they get older they will have fun together and it will all work out. It is good to know yourself and know what you can and can't handle, but as far as parenting goes, sometimes you don't know what it will be like until you are in the throws of it. Good luck to the both of us with whatever the future holds! I hope you can know what decision to make and it will be the best for your family and you!
Post a Comment